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Thursday, November 3, 2016

Benkachu (get it? Ben caught you...)

Only one of my friends ever gets this stuff.
This was fan made inspired by an interview answer.
All over it this morning, shower at 4:30 a.m., coffee now while I'm online getting my life in order- prescription refills, money syncing, stuffs. Flu shot today, then assess back into physical therapy after that.

~caution for triggers~

My head is way better now. I can't even blame those Halloween meltdowns on candy since I avoid carbs because diabetic. I love everyone again now. Seriously, probably another one of those repressed memories about Halloween. It's funny how my repressed memories are never about sexual abuse. Kinda makes you wonder what other horrors musta happened. I mean, besides seeing a dog nearly beaten to death, killing and eating my pets, watching puppies brains being smashed out, learning to properly kill cats, and pretty much handling 800-1200 pound animals regularly, including difficult births filled with all kinds of death and sometimes screaming animals. I was always the stoic one, now I'm the one falling apart. Like my mom did when I was a little girl. The survivalist lifestyle might look glam, but it's pretty tough on the soul. I actually jumped into an argument on FB about animal murder vs vegan and took it upon myself to explain that the exsanguination process actually isn't the torture nonexperienced people think it is, and then I caught myself because I've been experienced since I was 8 years old and I live with PTSD triggers now, and you really don't know who went vegan over something psychologically very disturbing to them. It's really not my job to get out there and educate people freaking out about death.

Pasting this over from facebook so it doesn't get lost.

I am both Irish and a dx'd narcissist. I stand for freckled soulless egocentric survivalists worldwide. Mock all you want, I can't hear you over all this me in my head.

(for some clarity, I'm also German and several other things from all over the world, so... standing up for all y'alls.)



My psychologist views my narcissism as being part of the cushion between my severe autism spectrum depression and mood swings and self harm, self medicating, and suicide, but I am one of the lucky ones. "When viewed from a certain perspective, narcissism can actually be seen as a positive thing."- from Why Narcissism Is a Profoundly Misunderstood Psychological Disorder

I scored a 17 on that narcissism test that was linked in that article. I was being a little conservative, but I don't have a hardcore top of the line dx, either. But celebrity level? Yep, hahahahaha.

Whew! I'm not a psychopath. But just barely http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/psychopathy.htm

Big ol' 40 on the autism test, not a surprise. http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/autism.htm

That was a big fat yes, kinda laughing. I am the A++ of anxiety. http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/anxiety.htm

Yes, yes, we already know I'm manic. We just didn't know it was THAT manic... #rollseyes http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/maniaquiz.htm

I'm actually still dealing with a headache, so I really don't know how skewed my results are. I've had a very long headache day and I'm having trouble pulling my brain outa here. I do have this song on my mind though.  photo pink-heart-teensy.png


All you guys out there casting stones, both real and virtual- one of the most obvious signs of internal problems is displacing onto others, like a brain-trained puppet and a really more messed up person than those of us stepping out being targets. Whatever fear you have of things not running 'right' or being 'supposed to be', I went through that too. There is so much freedom letting go of hating people and being judgmental over others being different and having problems.

Join us. Loving is easier than hating. Hating takes way more energy and causes stuff like metaphorical fire damage and social viral entropic cascade. The entire human race is broken. We are all suffering. It's ok to admit you are flawed. I don't think God made a whole big thing just to throw most of it away. That's super inefficient and very anti-forgiveness protocol.

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