-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Friday, November 4, 2016

organization is the key

I heard that phrase I don't know how many times from a boss on one of my jobs. "Organization is the key." I love organizing. My house doesn't know it, but I really do.

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My lists flew out the window through October. I feel woefully unorganized, despite October being a very successful #allthethings month. I'm coming into November with most of the running out my door behind me for awhile, thank goodness, so maybe I can get my head back on lists and showing my house that I love organizing.

Had a fantastically perfect day yesterday. Everything fell into place like magic the entire day.  Was thinking driving in that I need to check and see if anyone cancelled with my psychologist, bing, my phone rang about a cancellation and I could get in that day after my other appointments around town. *Perfect*. My brain was jello but everything fell into place without me missing anything- post office, Walgreens, library, Good Will drop off, bank. Got my flu shot, doesn't even hurt. Some years I get a little fever and my arm hurts like crap, this year, nada. Assessed back into physical therapy after that, scheduling once a week up through the end of the year magically fell on the same day and time every single week. Stayed on track with my lunchbox and noon meds, started reading my library book. Psychologist, thank goodness. I feel soooooooooooooo much better now. I'll be touching base again in 2 weeks, then in 3 weeks, so I'm covered through holidays. I've been alienating people again since another big breakthrough last week, and I can't talk about it with anyone except psychologist, Scott, and Kai (Kai saved me that day, super thank goodness on that). So my next objective is to look at me alienating people again and figure out how I'm going to handle holidays being a Sith Lord.

To people dealing with other people having meltdowns through holidays- I am sincerely sorry I suck. Please hear that coming from other people who've not yet reached the point where they can say that. I know a lot of people put up with me, I know I make things difficult and awkward, and I know I utterly fail sometimes when other people need my support. I know you know I'm a mess and I wish I wasn't and I feel really bad that it gets in the way, because I really do love people. Please hear this from the people you love when they can't say it through this holiday season. What comes after meltdown that a lot of people don't see is a deep self loathing and #epicfail feels, and then the awkwardness, and that is why we don't know how to talk to people sometimes about real stuff. You know, like we see on TV.

Anyway, making huge headway with my emotional processing again, and yes, it will upset people, so I'm working on how to write it without upsetting people. I'm writing to heal, not to be mean.

In the meantime, today is all about pot roast in the crockpot, constructing apple pie, organizing a work list for little writing projects through holidays, organizing another work list for my house, reading my library book, and minecraft. My head is still weird from unremmitting sensation overload and continued aspie shutdown mode, so just staying busy and distracted is top priority, keep emotions low key, do the usual stuff taking care of myself with good nutrition and hydration, quality rest and a little exercise, and staying focused on being in the moment. I'm doing great, it just doesn't feel like it. It's hard to tell in a wonky nervous system that everything is on point.

Ug, already tired of myself. Let's look for something fun.

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