So I'm juggling all this stuff last couple weeks, like 8 days out from surgery was actually babysitting a 4 year old all by myself, so you know I'm pulling a pretty good fake with this. We've had this crazy holiday week supporting her mama pulling extra shifts as a sitter in ER, which is really what it's all about in lots of families having problems coping, and on top of everything out of the blue last night Scott asked when I'm going to get that Mantrid post done, because it's been two years.
😑 Right.
Tomorrow will be 13 days since surgery, and I am crazy bizzy. Bunny says that when she twirls, she gets bizzy. Granted, today was my first big ohHELLno guts waking up and realizing something is really amiss, and it was a fun watch me sprint day (and a really fun race fail), and those of you who've had gallbladder surgery probably know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm finally able to eat again, but for about 3 hours everything was all-stop and red alert low grade pulled me over and asked me if I knew how fast I was going, and I said Hold my apple juice and watch *this*. Dishes done, laundry done, executive decisions made about remodeling my player shop, Walking Dead watched. #Crushinit. I'm just thrilled my stomach is allowing a handful of mozzarella cheese shred before I go to bed.
I wish we'd had the term sapiosexual about 20 years ago. I've tried to put a finger on why Scott and I work so well, and basically it's exactly that. Funny this got a reject on it 5 years ago and now it's everywhere. Clicks to source.
Six Signs That Prove You're Secretly A Sapiosexual That article is seriously one-sided but spot on. Scott wanted a 'college girl', well, he got one that won't shut up and he's still here. Early on I was intrigued how differently he uses his own brain, actually kind of brilliant about a few things once I got past the dyslexia (I'm merciless, but dang it, he's so cute saying and spelling stuff wrong).
And thanks to Ken Jeong retweeting during the live tweet, that one really took off.
~wild subject change~
Lemme 'splain. My dad was born in the wrong century and refuses to keep up with anything remotely techy, so he's kind of like a cross between an alchemist and a scientist about how the world works, and of course disaster looms because prophecy. He actually literally measures the yearly winter solstice with a pin in a wall that the sun setting through a window casts a moving shadow on, and he marks where the last of the light is with the date. And this year is a month ahead of last year. You know, because like orbit problems maybe. I immediately wondered if the land under his home must have settled or something, this entire area is karst with loads of sinkholes and you can see the big fields drooping away from one particular highway that I drove for years, and they were definitely not doing that when we first moved here. Anyway, naturally I can't help diving into the search bar and reading what I find back over the phone, since NASA obviously won't tell us the truth about what's really going on (you have know idea how thankful I am that he's not a flat earther), so in case you're curious yourself, the winter solstice doesn't necessarily fall on the exact same day every year, and the way it's measured isn't about where the sun falls on a spot on the wall.
December solstice 2017 is the 21st "Why doesn’t the earliest sunset come on the shortest day? The December solstice marks the shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere and longest day in the Southern Hemisphere. But the earliest sunset – or earliest sunrise if you’re south of the equator – happens before the December solstice. Many people notice this, and ask about it...By the way, the latest sunrise doesn’t come on the solstice either. From mid-northern latitudes, the latest sunrise comes in early January."
It's a bit confusing because it's not about the light we see at what time, but about the length of the day that we have light. I don't know if my dad measures the sunrise as well, but he's adamant that the yearly solstice must be exactly like the year before.
10 Things About the December Solstice "Most people count the whole day as the December Solstice. However, the Solstice is actually at a specific moment - when the Sun is exactly overhead the Tropic of Capricorn."
Probably lost a few wanderers during that, but basically it demos my sapio thing. A LOT of people love knowledge. They love it so much they'll spend lifetimes pursuing it. If you are one of those people and wanting to find a good match for a lifelong relationship, make sure that person is cool about the obsessions you love. If you're going to have to BE HOME at the exact same time and date every single year to make a mark on a wall, make sure they know that.
Oh thank goodness, I finally just yawned. OH, almost forgot. I dropped outa #latenightmovie last night because I was so fried, but at least I can now say Yes, I have seen the Star Wars Holiday Special. I made it up to the cartoon, at least. "The special is notorious for its extremely negative reception and has never been rebroadcast or officially released on home video." Like one of the gang said, it was more like a Pink Floyd experience than anything.
K, I'm about to fall over now, thank goodness. I need sleep so bad.
This post is about the TV show Sherlock. If you've not seen this show and don't want spoilers, shut this page right now!!!! I'll also put a bunch of memes in the way so it's harder for you to glance down and accidentally see something just before the page closes. No cheating and scrolling first.
All pix click back to where I found them.
This has been in my head a long time about the whole Johnlock thing. It's very distracting that we're always seeing John's POV about he's not gay, they're not in a relationship, etc. Let's look at Sherlock for a sec.
Sherlock is the Emperor of factual information, and often leaves out details that others don't catch. He doesn't stop and explain. I love this kind of writing. I couldn't help noticing that Sherlock never corrected Angelo bringing the candle for his date. Angelo knows Sherlock. He assumes Sherlock is on a date. This alone implies mountains of stuff about Sherlock, both in his mind and in other people's minds.
When Sherlock introduced John as 'my friend' to Sebastian at the bank, it's quickly revealed that Sebastian knows Sherlock from their college days. It is significant that Sherlock would introduce a 'friend' (as opposed to colleague, like John insisted) to someone who probably made remarks about Sherlock being too weird to ever have a significant relationship (point blank, boyfriend). Sherlock knew this.
Sherlock never questioned John and Irene meeting up. He heard the entire conversation. "You jealous?" "I don't know, probably." He didn't question two people 'fighting' over him. It felt very much like a current bumping into an ex. Even though we see John feeling rather left in the dark, even he can feel this is a triangle.
Because I'm asexual pangender and talk about being sapiosexual in brain sex, robot style (although I didn't know there was a term for it when I wrote that), I know that people don't have to have orientations or even be sexually active to be in love with other people and it still feel very sexual. They don't have to consummate relationships to feel deeply bonded with them, to feel ownership, to say 'mine'. "My friend." Sherlock is very careful with his words, and he always means them. He took possession of John immediately, perhaps like someone does a pet at first, but nonetheless, the world around him knew he owned John, and that John accepted and liked being owned as this "my friend".
In fact, this turned into John saying "My friend" over and over when he thought he'd lost Sherlock. Not just any friend, not just a friend- "My. Friend." And as I've pointed out (links below), if you really look at John, Sherlock is his only real friend up to this point, because in this context, acquaintances don't count as friends. He loves Sherlock.
Sherlock was so sure of this relationship that when he showed back up, he didn't take into account that John would be so upset. Sherlock erroneously assumed John would fall right back into step with him, because they were each others', and time passing would never change how they felt for each other. And it didn't, but there was definitely a readjustment period.
Mary replacing Irene in the triangle is a neat way to show Sherlock growing emotionally, in several scenes him identifying with Mary as one of John's emotional consorts. Mary and Sherlock easily share John, something Irene hadn't done.
Some of us are wondering if Irene will come back and upset the balance. Season 4 is rumored to get ugly and much more upsetting than previous, and we all know the previous seasons were upsetting enough. I would be in heaven if Irene and Moriarty both came back and had a bunch of kids and started a gangster baseball team, but we know that can't happen. I'm terrified something will happen to Molly, because she stepped into the 'sister' role so well, working alongside Sherlock at the morgue. I can't help wondering if Sherlock will finally be forced into that last 'I love you' scene with a dying brother or something, and I don't even want to think about what's going to tear John up if/when something happens to Mary and/or the baby. As much as a large part of the fandom wants a good scene about how close they really are, I really don't want to be destroyed seeing John having a meltdown in Sherlock's arms after something happens to Mary.
Keep in mind this entire show is about Sherlock and John. I questioned what started this story in my post John Carl Powers Watson and discussed what's in Sherlock's mind regarding John in the post f(x) where x = "reflection John". I like thinking about John, as we've seen in blogger on blogger on blogger. John is kind of slow to pick up on a few things, but the only one who can keep up with Sherlock, and I find myself identifying with him as much as I do Sherlock, between PTSD and autism spectrum.
I'm sorry this is difficult to read
I'm not very good at interpretation, and I love reading what other fans get from scenes that I completely miss (although I do think a few go a little overboard, but who knows how far Moffat will go with pink lighting, right?), plus I was very resistant to everything else Sherlock Holmes for years (I live with a super fan who watches ALL of it), so I feel my thoughts are mediocre, at best. However, this is the first fandom I've ever gotten emotionally involved in enough to write about character subtext, even though I started out being a Spirk fan many years ago and came up through the Xena and Merlin ranks.
I personally don't have a preference for whether Sherlock and John ever go the next step on TV and what is or isn't canon, but shows like this do have a big impact on both straight and LGBT communities. I don't think we need to demand a pro or con statement either way to have a great story, and the story is about Sherlock and John getting through all this stuff together, ups and downs and still there for each other. I think the writers would be crazy to pick one community to represent since that would create havoc, and I think they're geniuses keeping the question up in the air because it helps sales. Having said that, I personally feel like some of the LGBT community being so demanding is just as insensitive and bigoted as the straight community not recognizing it, and I'm standing up for some of us on the side applauding that it's just very well done all the way around anyway, and we'll take it because we are sapiosexual.
I didn't date in high school, which I brought up in asexual pan and seriously lacking gaydar or any other kind of dar, which turned out to be a pretty popular post. I am asexual, and the first thing most people do when they hear that is ask why in the world do I care about a gender debate if I'm not interested in sex in the first place?
I'll skip the entangled layers for a few seconds to tell you what actually happened.
There were 3 brothers in my high school who didn't look at all rough and tough but were the toughest, meanest boys you ever met in your life. They 'picked' so mercilessly on gay boys that one of them actually dropped out of school and fled the state. By pick, I mean bloodied the hell up within an inch of his life.
I had absolutely no problem being friends with gays (trans wasn't used much as a descriptive word back then, so everyone got lumped into 'gays', or 'homos', even if it wasn't technically correct). I had no problem whatsoever sitting by them in class or at lunch, being seen talking to them, and generally being a friendly part of a subgroup of people I didn't really fit into, but I didn't fit anywhere anyway.
Those 3 boys had a big problem with it. I didn't say much during high school, despite my family thinking back then I was a bit of a whiner. I never told on people to faculty, never whined to friends, and never started fights. I was one of those true loners who mostly never talked.
I stood on the front lines in high school for alt gender, probably not so obviously to most people around me, but very obviously to the gays. Because I didn't take hints or react to remarks and comments and showed no fear of notes and being hissed at in the hallways, I took full body contact in P.E.
The day I was plowed to the ground so hard in flag football that I was nearly knocked unconscious by the brother that was in my grade was the day they ended coed flag football in my school. I couldn't breathe for awhile and had to have help standing, and was dizzy the rest of the period, and later discovered I had some pretty spectacular bruising and scraping. But I didn't cry. That boy was sharply reprimanded, but nothing else was done, even though he obviously tackled me on purpose with full intent to harm me. I mean, who doesn't get flag football?
The day I was smashed in the face with a 90 mph ball and my glasses shattered and my nose exploded into blood everywhere, that same boy (who'd just thrown that ball only a few feet from my face) stood there laughing. That was the last day we had coed P.E. in my school, period. Again, he was barely reprimanded, and nothing was done. I went without glasses for several weeks until my parents could scrape up the money to get me another pair.
I was very popular with the alt kids that year. The ones having free period would sit on the bleachers and loudly cheer my name every time I walked into the gym. My parents never knew. I never told my siblings. I never once talked to one person about how someone attacked me. I didn't whine or blame or cry.
Now, let's untangle the "why in the world do I care about a gender debate if I'm not interested in sex in the first place?"
My own first thought is, I wanna ask all you people who are worried about trans in the wrong bathrooms something- Is it wrong for a man to intentionally beat up and bloody a woman in public just for not behaving correctly after being threatened? Because that's what happened to me. I'm a girl, and not even gay. I was not just bullied, I was beaten bloody for being friends with gays, not in secret, but wide out in the open in front of a lot of people.
If it's not ok for a man to hit a woman, is it ok for a man to behave that violently to another man just for walking into a bathroom? Because it happens. A LOT. Men have been beating up other men in men's bathrooms so badly for so long that many men actually fear for not only their safety, but sometimes their lives. Why are these men being beaten up? Because even if they don't present as female, sometimes they just 'look gay', and that prompts mean men to pummel the living bloody daylights out of them, just like it did in high school.
So, men use women's restrooms. Why? Because women don't tend to beat them up just for needing to pee.
I use men's public restrooms. I very openly walk into men's restrooms when women's restrooms are closed for cleaning, and no one bats an eye. No one beats me up. I can be wearing men's clothing and no makeup and look as 'dyke' as they come, and no one bothers me.
So why is it ok to make laws that allow men to be attacked even more in public restrooms? They already fear men's restrooms, now they have to fear women's restrooms, as well.
So, first of all, just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I don't care about sex, but SEX has nothing to do with using a public restroom to pee, does it? Gender ID and sexual preference are two completely different things anyway, so that is just really poorly worded. Second of all, I CARE because people are being BEATEN UP. By 'nice' people. By people who spout all kinds of stuff about 'Murican freedom and Christianity. By people who get worked up about the kind of nonsense that gets people hurt and killed.
The reason I'm writing this out is because I'm getting some comments on a facebook status I wrote- "First hand experience considerations that I think laws against Trans in public restrooms would inadvertently cause great difficulty for many people is single parents with opposite gendered disabled children and older people relying on a spouse for help. I'm sure there are other situations as well. Sometimes gender has nothing to do with actual public restroom safety."
Scott was a single parent for 3 years before we got married, and he had custody of his baby daughter. He often had to take her into a public men's bathroom, and was always terrified someone would think he was a child molester. My mom became so deficit from strokes that my dad would escort her into the women's bathrooms in Walmarts to assist her, and although it felt weird to him, not one single woman complained about it. What woman wouldn't want a husband like that? I sometimes see family restrooms now in clinics and other places, and hear people mock them as they pass, making jokes about why whole families need to pee together, how wrong that is. Well, do you know nothing of handicaps and seniors and children and stuff like illnesses and injuries? I've been having to use handicap facilities for years because of spinal injuries, and for a couple years in my own home needed actual assistance. If I ever need my husband to come into a bathroom with me, people around us making a big deal had better hope I'm in too bad a shape to get in their faces about it.
I have no answers to the public restroom debates, but I will offer that it's nice to live in a country that believes in public restrooms in the first place. Some countries still don't. As for your reasons for why trans shouldn't use the 'wrong' public restroom, have a little consideration for 1- all the other people who will be affected by laws put into place out of fear, 2- the fear alt genders live with every single day everywhere they go, and 3- your inability to think outside a very small box. Many of you have been using restrooms with trans for years and probably never even knew.
My brain, like my body, doesn't 'work right'. The chemicals and hormones don't fit into an 'average' balance. I don't experience life the same way 'normal' people do. Am I to blame for being born into a gene pool heavily laced with autism spectrum, autoimmune illnesses, cancers, and hormone problems? I've been living with everything from joint pains throughout my childhood to diabetes into my aging adulthood. Does this body, something I have no natural conscious control over on a cellular level, make me a bad person? Does the t-shirt I wear instead of a blouse make me a bad person? Does who I am standing here being warrant me getting beaten up? Because I sure was bloodied up in high school by a 'nice' young man with a very strong moral principle that somehow failed to red flag 'men shouldn't beat up on women' in his mind.
What I'm saying is that you can't stand both against violence and for it. You can't stand up against domestic abuse and condone public restroom abuse. You can't say it's not ok to hit someone here but it's ok to hit them over there.
Human rights, human dignity, human public safety.
That is what the trans public restroom debate is all about, and that's what it stands for globally. It's not about genitals and being in the wrong bathroom. It's about people being bullied, beaten up, and even killed just for being different, even when they're doing their best to not start any trouble.
I'm not afraid of trans people in the same bathroom as me. I'm afraid of people who will hurt me in public and laugh about it just for being kind to other people, and the people who won't do anything about it because they're more afraid of the bully than they are of the trans person. THAT'S WHAT THIS WHOLE DEBATE IS ALL ABOUT.
I don't care what your religion is and what your beliefs are, if you are dismissive of others and cruel to people over silly ideas that you make big fusses over, I do not stand with you. If you believe it's ok to hurt (and kill) other people just for believing something different from you and looking different from you, and you base everything you think you know about life on glances without getting to know what it's really like in other people's shoes, then you've got a real problem when I walk into your room.
Back in high school I didn't say anything. I'm saying all the things now. I could be out here naming names, I could be naming and shaming, I could be pointing and accusing, but I'm not. I'm asking people to think it through. Untangle the layers and use your brains for a few minutes. Because from my point of view, not using your God-given brain is a sin. If you want to debate actual sin with me, I will win. I was trained to debate religion by one of the most obsessed people on the planet by the time I was ten years old, and I've spent all my years since soaking up everything I can about world religions, philosophies, political history, heck, the history of the whole human race since the dawn of time and the evolution of modern day thinking. If you're not yet familiar with me, I enjoy a little Orwell with my breakfast, and that's just the start of my day.
Here's the point blank of it all. People of faith are the only ones required to follow God's law. It's not your job to punish those outside the faith. It's not your job to condemn the world to the point where you drive even your own loved ones out of your lives. Your job is summed up in the golden rule, is it not? To wish death and harm on others without provocation means there is something wrong with YOU.
This month is like a brain and body crawl through pollen boot camp, and as another 20 days are slipping by already without seriously addressing goals and objectives, I've pretty much given up and settled for basic survival mode.
I generally stay off the health/med/spoonie forums when I'm like this, no sense jumping in or tangling or generally trying not to win contests. April is the month from hell for some of us, so let's just let this one go with f(x) where the function of aspienado is = an inverse ratio of pollen to airway (multiplied by fibromyalgia of the rib cage and sternum plus + sensation overload divided by / energy) minus - sleep lost squared.
Or something like that.
f(A)=pollen/airway({fibro+overload}/energy) - sleep lost squared.
The editor in here sux.
I'm sure I could complicate that equation with depression, but I'm too tired to care. I'm in 'hiding out' mode in general, avoiding talking to people. Well, I couldn't even talk in real life for about 2 weeks, and trying to still nearly sends me into coughing fits. Worst. Allergy. Season. Ever.
Imagine me actually wanting to talk on a phone to a real live person this month. I've actually been in the mood to talk on the phone, and there's just almost no way I can. I need a small amount of comfort, a real human voice on the other end of my tech. I doubt anyone wants to hear me struggling with trying not to cough.
I'm too tired to cry, thank goodness, because that makes anything remotely airway exponentially worse. I'm too tired to watch TV. I can barely concentrate on reading. I've been steadily plowing my way through acres of cobblestone, sand, and forests on minecraft just to be busy doing something. In multiplayer I'm at least watching a chat and sometimes responding with filling a request for a store item. The barest of human contact.
This kind of month is perfect for sliding off into random whatever catches my interest, so I've been following Bunny Bennett's vlogs about transitioning. I'm not gender dysphoric because I've always felt so disconnected anyway via asexuality and weird synesthesia and generally prefer androgyny because it's just easier and I'm lazy (and allergic to make up and salon products, but I digress), but I've known a number of people for years who are, and I've heard much the same thing from all of them. When I retailed in lingerie, I often helped men shop for everything from support hosiery and shapewear (some jobs are hell on varicose veins and hernias) to everything frilly and all kinds of bras, and I never felt uncomfortable because I've never felt sexually biased in the first place. I never cared whether I was girl or boy. I can easily pass for either one.
But I am dysphoric. I've been very upset since I was a very small child that I am human. I was angry with God for years for forcing me to be born into a human body instead of a dog or a horse. I went out of my way to mimic being dogs and horses, and daydreamed about being a horse well into puberty. I'm definitely in the wrong body. I feel clumsy and awkward and like this is all wrong.
So I totally get transgender. The male/female thing not feeling right probably has the same sort of roots, because everything in the brain is chemical and hormonal. I know mine are all wrong, because I can feel it. Nothing fits right, I don't fit right, I'm uncomfortable like this, and it's been a really big deal having to hide how I really feel and try, if not to actually fit in, at least pretend to want to. And I don't even want to. And I suck at pretending.
I have no idea if this is relatable to people who feel compelled to change their bodies to be more animal or go out of their way to paint or laser animal spots or markings all over their bodies. I could care less how THIS body looks, and I see no reason to spend my time mimicking another body in this one. I'm so disconnected from this body that I simply just live in it, the same way you live in an apartment. Yeah, it's mine, and yeah, I take care of it and keep it cleaned up and I'm kind of picky about a few things, but I'm not going to miss it in my next life. Which hopefully is on another planet or nebula or dimension or something.
When I'm like this I'm not easy to be around, so I don't bother people. I'm just tired, and that makes me feel more impatient. It's already hard understanding convos most of the time anyway because of the asperger's, so I've learned just let it go. Trying to get a grip on my head and steer it when it's like this is about as dumb as trying to ride an ostrich, so howdy Pinky blog, you're my buddy right now.
I would love to have a real convo about feeling dysphoric with someone besides my psychologist, and I bet I'd be able to get a hilarious live stream hangout going over it, but even if someone volunteered right now to babysit me through tech setup, I would be such a drag to work with my brain flat like this that the fun part wouldn't last very long for me. I get these really cool ideas, and I keep saying I need staff, I need a team, and I've yet to find anyone 1- willing to embarrass themselves to death in public with me, 2- go through the popularity stoning I've been through over the years, 3- deal well with public instead of starting fights, and 4- actually help with the real work.
Several people have suggested vlogging (bless your hearts). I vlogged one year, around 2008 I think, and people actually watched the vids. I kept them fairly short because I don't sit still that long and I bore myself to death just talking (I'm not a natural talker), but it was a bad year going on worse, and I just wiped them out. But I have absolutely no qualms about how I look in public, and as long as I'm not expected to pretend anything or have to sit still too long, I imagine I could do just fine, except I hit all the wrong buttons like a super klutz. I do that in minecraft, too, basically throw wool at zombies, like I'm making knitting buddies or something.
This is long, and I wound up skyping, so maybe I'll just post it. I haven't even proofed it yet, no telling what you'll get. Here, click this and go look at food. You're welcome.
click pic for
"37 Cats Inside Things That Are Much Too Small"
I've either broken my Pinky statcounter or you guys have successfully graduated to hardcore lurkers like I've taught you. Blogger says I'm getting steady traffic and shows legitimate referrals, statcounter says "What people? I didn't see any people." But as much as I've messed around with it, it's very possible I've corrupted the config. I could reset, but then all previous data is unrecoverable, so one of these days I might just add another one to pick up from now-ish and see if that works. Still feeling too lazy to do more than muse on it right now, though.
I'm crashing through a depressive cycle this week, which I was expecting because I was a bit euphoric for awhile again through December, so I'm doing all the usual routine stuff that keeps me functional while it passes, like house chores and research. I have a hard time watching TV when I'm like this, so I have ventured into a friend's RP forum for a good story to help distract me through this, and I'm loving it. In case you're new to me and would like more info about my head stuff, I'll put it at the bottom of this post, which you're welcome to skip down to if you don't want to read this next bit.
One of my distractions is writing through the aspie chaos in my head on weeks like this because focusing on a writing prompt helps my mood stay more balanced, so here we go, a whole buncha sex stuffs, lol. Close your eyes if you're easily miffed by discussions that challenge your belief system, whatever it is. I'll tell you when you can open them back up.
~~~~~~
One of the more amusing things I've run into in the last week was a trans friend wanting to know in a protected status update why asexuals were making a big deal planting their flag if they don't even want sex, because it can only be an attention-seeking thing, surely.
I've known since puberty that I'm pan (there was no word for it back then) and since high school that I prefer androgyny, although I do also really like strong male and female figures as well. I came out pangender asexual on a public blog in 2008, before it was fashionable for regular people in mainstream lives outside of entertainment to do that. That blog (one of so many I've had) is gone now, so I can't link to it, although several people in my life are aware and are fine with it. I don't bring it up much, although I have written about it here and there.
6-15-15 Khanlock One of the most popular posts I've ever created, and I never mention sexuality in any form.
7-1-08 self stim (this is an ongoing debate I have with my psychologist over aspie-autie kids having no self awareness during compulsive erogenous neuro stim, which I'm sure parents of autism spectrum children have a little difficulty understanding) (The book I'm working on, Existential Aspie, will have a LOT of autie kid POV in it that I don't usually see out in public, based on my personal experiences.)
Plus I've also had fun mocking the whole subject of sex in some of my silly surveys through the years at Surveypalooza.
For anyone in the world looking at that list and the length of this post thinking I must be one of those people who yaps about their sex stuff, rest assured this was very much me most of my life. For those of you who've not yet seen The Abominable Bride, I must put the word "spoilers" here, but seriously, not really much of a spoiler. But yeah, this is me at parties, on dates, through two marriages...
I'd love to source this for you at 5 a.m. because I grabbed it with my phone, but that was 2 days ago and the original tweet is already so buried in the twitter feeds that it would take at least an hour and I'm not feeling that patient.
My issues started early, about the time I hit puberty. I'd been sent to school in dresses for years and fought for my first pair of jeans around fifth grade, which my mom was strongly against until a friend of hers, who had five boys and wasn't that terribly feminine herself, shrugged it off, and they went through a stack of rejects in an outlet dump and brought home bargains, one with a twisted leg, one with a leg shorter than the other. I was ecstatic simply because I'd won. After that my mom got hold of someone's hand-me-down flare leg jeans and I spent a glorious year getting my jeans caught in my bike chain over and over like normal kids were supposed to until the jeans were too shredded to wear.
Being allowed to wear jeans didn't solve my problem, of course. I still had to be a girl. I really didn't care that I was actually a girl, I just hated being continually reminded I wasn't girl enough. I didn't sit right or move right or stand right or behave right, and then when I took things too far it was nice girls don't do that, like shave my legs above my knees. A kid at school actually made fun of my knees having bangs in P.E. Top that one, I dare ya. I wolfed out when I hit puberty, despite being a girl. (Irony has brought a patchy alopecia into my life, and I very rarely need to shave my legs any more.)
I liked being an action figure, along with being the secret genius behind the schemes my friend and I pulled off. I liked running cross country and jumping over fences and out of trees (and off the roof), and tried a few times to jump my bike over things, resulting in some impressive scrapings up and nearly ruining my bike. I liked that boys got to look cool and be cool running around and hated that I was expected to stand around looking demure. I studied how the fastest boys naturally ran differently from girls and taught myself how to move the same way. Same thing with throwing. I practiced throwing rocks and balls over our barn roof after school for days until I could mimic the way the boys at school threw stuff. There was no way I would ever be caught "throwing like a girl". It was bad enough that 'girl' was derogatory, it was worse to not overcome it and just accept it as my fate. All this before I was even twelve, and all my mom could go on about was her exasperation with me. We fought constantly (passive-aggressively, I wasn't allowed to yell at her without severe consequences), and the root of it all was my refusal to be gender typed.
So, yeah, it's a big deal to stand up for being asexual pangender, because I was treatly poorly over being my natural self. It has nothing to do with accepting who I have sex with and whether I sin, but about standing up to a demanding society shoving me down into a tiny little box and not allowing me to shine in my natural capacity with the instincts I was born with. While other girls were fighting to wear hip huggers to school, I was fighting to let my God-given hair grow out on my legs that no one ever saw except in P.E., and I was such a joke already that it wouldn't have made a difference. Believe me, I've investigated every which way hairy legs and nylons could possibly have anything to do with my status as a human being, and that is the tiniest tip of the asexuality iceberg that was my problems growing up in an ultra conservative household. You'd think asexuality would be a plus in a setting like that. It wasn't. I caught all my mother's repressed sexual issues head on and flung them back with vehemence. I look back now and feel quite sorry for her feeling so stuck and frustrated with her own stuff and never being able to verbalize it.
What no one knew at the time was that I come from genetic stock heavily leaning into polycystic ovarian syndrome, and along with extremely heavy periods, I grew an impressive amount of body hair for awhile and developed a fairly aggressive personality. A doctor confirmed in my 30s that I was making way too much testosterone and put me on hormone therapy to help control and regulate that and several other symptoms. (This is coming to light as a fairly common condition.) These are not things I chose. I've always been able to feel the duality in my brain chemicals. I feel very 'boy' sometimes along with the girl. If my brain chemicals are prompting things in my body I have no control over, and these things are in turn prompting behaviors like acting out and aggression, how in the world have I chosen this? As I have learned more about myself, I have come to realize that no one chooses their sexuality. We are caught in waves of hormones and chemicals, and we all do the best we can with what's going on in our brains and bodies. I see no shame in this, and no reason to 'choose' against who we are in order to appease a larger society of anxious and guilt-ridden believers who would rather turn their backs than forgive what they don't yet understand. People remind me of chickens sometimes, the really bossy ones pecking to death those who don't fall into step, out of sheer orneriness. How is continually picking on someone any different? You either love people or you don't. Actions speak louder than words. If there really is a God, and he really does promise a heaven, no wonder so many turn away when they're nearly picked to death for something they can't help and didn't choose.
My second best friend in high school was gay, and the treatment he went through got pretty ugly. A friend of his actually had to leave school out of fear for his life. Anyway, I had no problem being seen with him all over school, so he took me on my only date in high school to convince his mom everything was cool. She dropped us off at a movie, we never kissed, went back to his house, he showed me his bedroom, huge Marilyn Monroe poster on his wall, and he told me I had great lips and should be wearing lipstick. I still think that's a pretty awesome compliment.
Since many of my friends are gay, trans, alt, and whatever (I'm finding out there are a LOT of orientations out there), I barely even think about this stuff. I can swim in sex and never blink an eye, I am that asexual. Once in awhile my head turns, yes, but I miss unbelievable amounts of subtext and even blatant sex references in convos while at the same time I see it all around me much like a botanist would a forest. I grew up on a farm and know quite a lot about sexual anatomy and birthing and then wound up in nursing school for awhile, and I'm not squeamish at all, just terribly inexperienced with the social exchange that must accompany actual coupling up. I imagine I'd make a really good whorehouse madam or brothel priestess, sort of above it all and running things.
As for sex, I actually like it quite a lot, I just don't feel the need to share it with other people, and my asperger's makes it difficult for me to get past all the extra sensory overload anyway. Ever wonder why alcohol and sex go together? The entire human race would probably have died out long ago if it weren't for rape and alcohol. Yes, I actually believe that. I don't think most of the world has a clue what normal sex really is to begin with, especially belief systems that squelch women and children into third class citizenry, whether it's obvious or not. I grew up pretty third class right here in the United States. No one ever asked me growing up whether I had fallen in love with anyone. That just wasn't even a thing. The only reason I don't make a bigger deal of it is because I've met so many people who've actually been held hostage or have been owned either by default (family) or purchase (seriously, child trafficking) specifically for sex. Yes, right here in the United States. I've seen ultra conservative right wing Christians wink past the obvious under their noses to debate whether a divorced person can remarry without it being adultery, and I just walk away. Righteous people exasperate me.
Anyway, so I rarely find myself discussing the actual rights and wrongs of anything sex, but here we go. I grew up conservative, so naturally I start with the 'legalism' of faith. I'm not against faith, I'm just tired of it being used as a weapon or a shield.
The problem with debating about the natural order of nature being the correct way for things to work, especially if we are assuming a deity setting it all up, is running into little monkey wrenches like finding out male otters will steal harbor seal pups away and pleasure themselves on them to death, or that crabs will mate with so much gusto they kill off females that don't fight to get free. The instinct to mate is only that, a blind driven compulsion. The object of the mating, ideally, results in healthy offspring, but as we share more and more to the internet, we see a growing number of cats and squirrels doing sex trains, hunters having to get out of the way of elk or deer attempting to mate with their vehicles, the odd horse here or there rearing onto a police officer or rodeo clown for sex, dolphins happily pinning humans down, and I'll go so far as to say I actually saw a spider mate with a dead spider hanging limply in an old web, which is arachno-necrophilia. If natural sex has a directive for what is morally correct versus what is sinful, I'm not seeing it expressed so much as mowed over in the world around me, and I'm sorry, I can't blame all that on a fallen angel. And we must admit humans have been overseeing all kinds of breeding programs throughout human history, from cattle to fruit flies, and everything else on down to plant life. Anything that has DNA has been interfered with sexually by humans out of experimentation and the incentive for financial gain, which increases power, not to mention the food supply.
I saw this going around facebook yesterday (originally posted last summer), someone else doing research on why homosexuality is natural and important across the animal kingdom, and I agree it comes in pretty handy. (I'm not going to copy it here, sorry.) Case in point, my step daughter's mom has absolutely no natural mothering instinct just because she's a woman and gave birth. I grew up on a farm, we had farm animals like that, too, particularly noticeable among very young first time mothers, everything from cats to sheep and goats. If a first time birth is scary and too overwhelming, the mom rejects the babies and it's up to the kindness of strangers to make sure they stay alive and survive.
The Kindness of Strangers is a popular title when you run a search on it, but my first experience with the idea was a very thick textbook style research on orphanages being what saved quite a bit of old England during the dark ages, because so many people dropped babies and children off at churches that half the population could have died out if someone else hadn't raised the children. One of the concerns the priests had back then was that the children eventually wound up in brothels and it would be a sin for a father to be having sex with a prostitute daughter, even unawares. My mind was blown over this particular after so much else had been dismissed as not sinful, like an entire society making it impossible for parents to raise their own children in the first place between so many hard laws and taxing the people nearly to death (church and state were co-complicit in this). Humans have a long history of males raising children through rough patches. Whether the males were gay or not is kind of beside the point. Monks around the world have been taking in children as long as religions have existed. Those with nurturing instincts gravitate toward nurturing. Simple concept. We see this with pets, too, and with other animals both on the farm and in natural settings.
I once watched, in my own backyard, a bluejay swipe a baby bird out of nest, carry it to the ground, and viciously drill its beak through the baby's head. What got really interesting was not only the distraught parents darting around, but the anxious cowbird couple that hovered around the ground within inches trying to stop this from happening with their efforts to distract the bluejay. That baby bird had two sets of parents. Why does this happen in nature? Because there are killers out there. Because life is really hard and sometimes it takes a whole crowd of people to make sure babies survive. Perhaps human societies formed out of this very need. Perhaps the origin of society lies within the nurturing instincts of both male and female strangers feeling upset that babies get killed, and cooperating to keep babies alive.
I've mentioned I have a sociology degree, right? I was originally going for an anthropology degree but my college only supported a minor at the time, despite housing one of the most famous archaeologists in the world. I blame the bible belt. Sorry, got way off track. But my point is that sex hormones working properly enough to get babies born doesn't mean we're working properly as people. Pretending to fit into gender roles because a belief system requires it doesn't assure the proper survival of humanity. If anything, it encourages secret taboo behaviors that can't be talked about without severe repercussions. Trying to make people fit into standardized molds of any kind has a tendency to backfire into years of therapy at the very least, rampant public shootings at the very worst. A healthy sense of self within an accepting group creates an optimally functioning member of society, does it not? This is really basic stuff, not quite sure why it's still so hard for so many people to grasp. Oh, yeah, religion and politics. That.
What is often missed in gay debates are some of the secrets and problems that create conflict for a few caught in the middle of it. Gender reassignment isn't always a prerogative. Sometimes babies are born intersexed and a gender assignment must be made, creating conflict later as the brain matures into the 'wrong' hormones. Once in awhile an accident happens with circumcision and a boy is brought up as a girl. And sometimes a distressed parent with severe depression (and quite possibly other mental illness) just ignores the baby's gender and raises it oppositely. I met a guy that happened to. All his young child photos are in dresses, and he seems to be a girl. Somewhere in grade school his gender suddenly flipped because it became obvious, and he's dealt with that the rest of his life, plus being suddenly rejected by the parent who did that to him. He's not alone. Babies are like dollies for people in emotional pain. Likewise, how many girls are there who feel the fail when their parents really wanted a boy? Or passed themselves off as boys or men so they could do something females weren't allowed? I could go on and on. Gender issues aren't always about the individual being different, and they're not always rooted in the individual. Society creates gender problems before people are even born into their genders. Then entire lives are spent teaching children to hide things and perform for society.
In case you still haven't seen The Abominable Bride, the speech Sherlock gave near the end on women's suffrage was spot on, and in our own day and time, I would extend these thoughts to everyone on the planet. Here, go buy it right now.
The gay debate is not a simple one. There can be no black and white right or wrong or stamps of religious and political approval or disapproval if we don't have the whole story on each case. To deem any one person at fault for something beyond their control (so many maladies in this world are beyond our control, are they not?), and then to ostracize and lump individuals into a generic group and then make the entire group outcast from society in one fell swoop is as heartless as throwing unwanted pets out of moving vehicles onto highways. I say it this way because most people I've met would sooner have a tender heart for a derelict, abandoned, and abused animal than they would a mistreated and shunned fellow human being. We don't judge animals so harshly, and we are so much faster to stand up for their neglect and abuse, but that doesn't restore my faith in humanity as long as I'm still seeing humanity abuse, berate, and neglect whole chunks of its own over misconstrued opinions and ideologies. No wonder human trafficking thrives in all countries around the world, even under the very noses of the most adamantly religious and faithful- we so easily throw out our own.
There has always been a thriving underground of human trafficking and sex slavery beneath every civilization, and anyone studying human religious and political history and social psychology knows this. Perhaps the initial reason it wasn't ok for gays to come out was because once they did, they could no longer be secretly shuffled through an underground ring of perverted religion and politics, opening up many cans of worms, as it were. It's ok to see cabaret and S&M openly expressed in the entertainment industry going way back (war and sex seem to be market buddies), but it's not ok to admit it's real and all around us, and that accepting each other the way we are will save lives.
The answer between my trans friend and I wound up being how ridiculous all sexuality issues are in the first place, and we left it at that. It's not a competition for attention any more than any other sexual issue. It's people openly standing up for who they are, just like all the rest.
And yes, let's all facepalm and have a good laugh imagining Sheldon Cooper incorporating asexuality into his Fun With Flags series.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can open your eyes now.
In case you skipped down for my head stuff-
On top of autism spectrum, I do have a 'mood disorder' diagnosis, although it's never been formally called bipolar, and this last fall I got 'adjustment reaction disorder' from my psychologist after I told him I finally processed through my friend's murder and my mom's death, since both of them happened years ago. Emotional shutdown can be pretty serious, but you guys know that because I'm always talking about it. I keep a standby team of touch base friends within reach, and about once a week someone is making sure I'm doing ok. As long as they see me out in public tweeting or facebook sharing or blogging, they know I'm not going down the rabbit hole. One of my constant goals is holding my weight steady and keeping a regular sleep schedule, both of which are high priority when I check in with my psychiatrist every 6 months. He literally counts pills. I'm allowed half a xanax 3X a day and that's it. I'm mostly otherwise managing to handle my anxiety disorder with diet, which I believe is directly related to diabetes and glucose spikes. As long as I can continue to self monitor and report in regularly, I'm allowed to stay off other head meds. It also helps that @bonenado oversees everything in my life and that I trust him to notice when I go off track and help me get back in routine. He's pretty cool about it, we laugh a lot.
~I'm kidding~
Off the subject, I have discovered Black Diamond Premium Reserve cheddar, aged 2 years. I'm the sort of person who will skimp on everything else in my life to spend $20 a pound on very hard to find cheeses, like aged gouda, so if you guys can find this one, it's totally worth it, even smoother and sharper than Cabot's Seriously Sharp. (Black Diamond is Canada based, Cabot is Vermont based.) I actually found it in the fancy cheese section in my local Walmart, so there you go. Good luck. It is absolutely wonderful with morning coffee.
Let's see, what can I find to get me out of here now and moving on into my day...
What many have mistaken for me hating sex is usually me trying to steer clear of accidentally triggering even more sharing when a convo is already headed for an overload cliff.
Real answer: I don't hate sex, but I do get a little worn out from share overkill. Sex is one of the single most redundant things ever invented on this planet. People complain about aspies never shutting up about their train (or whatever) obsessions, reverse the position here. Ha, a sex pun, I'm so punny.
2. But you're married and have children.
Have you noticed it's easier to get through life teaming up with someone else to help with housing and bills and being there for all the ups and downs? My cloning machine still works, too.
Real answer: Imagine that.
3. This isn't a real thing, you're just making it up because you don't want to deal with something.
I'm the first to admit I suck at sex. Wait...
Real answer: I think we'd all agree that if that excuse could cover not having to deal with a mother-in-law, dambetcha.
4. I found you online and want to share all my sex thoughts with you since it doesn't affect you and get feedback on whether I'm normal or crossing the line into weird because (insert whatever here).
This has happened so many times that I bought a forehead stamper that says "CERTIFIED" and will auto-stamp you just to save us all time.
Real answer: In my experiences talking to people, the root of most of their problems seem to have more to do with abuse/drugs/alcohol and/or unaddressed behavioral problems in both their sexual and nonsexual relationships than any amount of sex insecurities ever could. Please consult with a professional counselor/psychologist if you cannot work things out with families/friends/lovers. Me validating you on the internet only feeds into your dysfunctional way of handling your problem. I'm cool with you hating me for not letting you dump after some of the very one sided online friendships I still can't believe I've been through.
5. You know, I think I may be asexual, too.
Awesome, can we talk about cake now?
Real answer: Awesome, can we talk about cake now?
~~~~~~~~~~
I really wouldn't have thought much about it, but the more than usual hits on a post I wrote last month mentioning asexuality surprised me. I didn't realize it has become such a big public deal. If someone reading this seriously feels in a quandary about the subject of asexuality and wants more context, this is me being honest.
How I knew I was different-
-Even when I felt attracted to other kids in school, which was rare, I never once thought about having sex with them. I never imagined kissing anyone, never wondered if someone was attracted to me. I never had a boyfriend, and the only date I ever went on during high school was with a male gay friend. He called it a date so his mom would stop bugging him. When I did think about sex at all, it was more trying to figure out why both the whole subject and sex itself in general was such a powerful tool people used over each other in oh, so many ways. Animals having sex, yeah, no problem, instinct is a given. People sex- so many lines to cross, so many secrets to keep, so many lives to ruin...
-Even though I'm strongly attracted to particular male types, I very rarely think about having sex with them. The shipper vids I get into usually have lots of violence in them. I dig action protagonist experimentation, and since shipper vids heavily rely on insinuation, I can easily ignore original intent. Some have suggested that perhaps I'd prefer being that male type myself, and while I wouldn't be against it, I'm actually fine with my own body. Loving to watch action scenes, to me, is no different from loving to watch horses run in slow motion. Humans going up against all the odds in dire situations to save the day is a beautiful art form to me.
-I didn't/couldn't visualize having sex with someone in my head until I went perimenopausal in my late thirties, which indicates that for me that it's a brain thing, likely something to do with social mapping and Aspergers, possibly related to being a synesthete with prosopagnosia. I didn't even realize I literally couldn't imagine kissing someone until I was nearly in my mid twenties and already had a child, which was an odd thing to discover since I've been proficient from childhood at visualization techniques that mimic computer programs, such as mathematical modeling of fractals. I am apparently not hardwired for sex simulations.
-I found out via blood tests in my thirties that I make too much testosterone, but since that never turned me into a lesbian, I think we can cross off fixing brain hormones as a cure for sexual orientations. No, I'm not being sarcastic, but I am being facetious when I say that probably explains my penchant for imagining throwing people off buildings and exploding things. I jest, I'm sure that's an estrogen problem. Pretty sure...
-I have always loved androgyny, ever since I was a tiny tyke, and enjoy seeing gender bending as a fashion statement. Humans are wonderfully inventive and creative in all their variety. I feel no sexual attraction to a particular gender face or body type. I think my lack of sexual attraction frees me to be less judgmental about our differences.
I've been writing out some very real problems I've had to deal with in my life because I'm naturally asexual. I strongly oppose it being the 'invisible orientation', since me refusing to step up into a gender role as a child caused problems galore between me and my mother. It also threw monkey wrenches at understanding other relationships I've had, and is a very big part of who I am. Learning that asexuality is a real thing was a big relief for me, especially since I'm married.
It's ok to be asexual. It doesn't mean someone is broken or something's not working right. In fact, I would think people would welcome asexuality as an alternative to sex trafficking, rape, and child molesters. Think of all the lives not being screwed up (literally) by asexuals.
