I've decided this boinging awake in the 2 a.m.s now instead of the 3 a.m.s must be me flying through some kind of super euphoria and I can't feel it that much because of the gabapentin. I'm still eating, thank goodness. The first super euphoria I went through without any meds lasted 12 days and I practically stopped eating and sleeping the ~entire time~. It. was. awesome. but the crashing back down kinda sucked, and my psychiatrist seemed relieved this fall when I said I'm on gabapentin now.
Watch me wind up sleeping through Macy's parade...
I polished off a big load of pan roasted parmed brussels sprouts with a splash of aged balsamic, and while that felt really good at first, later I had a tummy ache, so maybe don't eat a quart of brussels sprouts in one go next time.
I JUST NOTICED BLOGGER HAS ADDED EMOJIS.
🌝😋⛄😍
HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN THERE.
I can even search by drawing one to look for a match.
All righty, then, I am go for emojis. Wow. 🦃 Happy Turkey Bird!
Photobucket has not yet gotten back to me on not being able to upload anything for several days, but I'm too floaty to care right now. I've had a pro account forever, but they're ridiculously difficult to get hold of, so I dunno. If I had staff I'd just toss this problem at someone else, so I tossed it to Yablo, who was tunneling deep under an extreme biome yesterday and didn't care. I angled a beautiful 45 degree angle tunnel up through the highest point and emerged over a breathtaking view, which is pretty much Happy Land for me. I really dig dwarf mines on LOTR. Get it? Dig. Nvrmnd.
Random Batman pix. Someone has discovered the joys of button pushing, aka doorbell.
And popcorn!
And that Santa is an ok dude.
It's been a very long year, but also a very good year. Nonstop allergies, viruses, and the big dentist thing, but autie finally eating some finger foods, venturing into verbal, and even hamming for a camera is amazing. I am extremely proud of his mommy and daddy for being cool with making it ok to be himself, and thrilled that his doctor is into nutrition boosting early development. I didn't get any of that at his age (I was punished and fussed at a LOT on a daily basis for years), and I wasn't the greatest interactive mommy (although I did turn the corner on let's cut the crap with this punishment thing), but generational autism spectrum isn't the big bad doom and gloom it used to be, and I'm pretty sure Batman has got a lot of surprises for us in future.
My mother never knew I was one of the smartest people in my entire school. She didn't understand that stuff, and she couldn't get past me being a behavioral problem. She never knew her granddaughter was one of the kindest people I've ever met in my life because she was too busy trying to fix her with health food store stuff, like she tried to fix me. And my mother never lived long enough to see her great grandson, even though she could have if she had complied with doctors taking care of the diabetes ravaging her. I don't want to miss the opportunities to see how beautiful my children are.
My other kiddos were over yesterday, and I enjoyed them so much. Bunny and Spiderman are a blast together, and the hot chocolate after this was really fun. Bunny wound up with a tiny little Doctor Strange goatee around her mouth, should have gotten a picture.
You know you were needing antibiotic when it works really fast and really good. Only took 48 hours for every single symptom I'd been dragging through for 18 days to go *poof*.
Today is Halloween prep. Usual stuff- goodie bags with more popcorn balls, cookies, rice krispie treats, and homemade Halloween 'dreamcatchers' that are really little spider webs made with craft sticks and pipe cleaners. They're cooler than they sound. Plus they'll have spiders on them.
We're also out of real food again. What is it with this autumn that is making me so oblivious to menu planning? Oh, yeah, 2 long rounds of allergy/virus goop. Guess I'll jaunt over to Ozark and spend a little quality time on restock. Seriously, fridge has run bare several time last couple of months, that's really unusual for me. Can't hide in a cave very well if there's nothing to eat.
Dr. Stephen Strange: What will I be called upon to do? Thomas Lindmer: Become more than a man. And renounce such Earthly pleasures as are given to men who are only mortal: the pleasure of ignorance, or offspring, or an easy death. Dr. Stephen Strange: Will I be asked to give up even love? Thomas Lindmer: The universe is love. That you shall have.
In the meantime, autumn is kinda meh here. This is as far as we've gotten.
That's right, last time I showed you this street there was 6-8 foot tall wild grass lining it on both sides. Looks so tame now.
This is a fan made supercut extended trailer. Niiiice.
There are a handful of 'Muricans I try to ignore who never discuss life through story telling outside of something biblical. They are entrenched in a decades old mindset and really do believe the world still runs the way they've been clicheing it all their lives in their heads. Some of them actually think fiction story telling is evil and warps the mind to the point of paving the wide road to hell and being lost forever, or, having not seen all the stuff on TV, fail to realize their apocalypse theories are based on what others really believe they see coming out of script writing and acting. To be fair, these are smart people, even brilliant, just fantastically repressed into end world, end times, truther, anti-science, or science weirdly proving something politically horribly wrong with religion(s), and since I grew up like this around people like this and every day of my childhood and parts of my adulthood were like this- I'm tired.
What is or is not truth boils down to who we are and whether we are being real and honest. Until we can stop living double lives as individuals, hiding secrets and masking our own truths, none of the rest matters. Standing up for and defending bastardized politics and religions based on centuries long crafted belief systems essentially brainwashing people while we ourselves never share our own truths is what is at stake here. Pointing at someone else while covering up our own stuff is the shallowest part of humanity, and why most of humanity will always voluntarily be slaves.
I am so, so tired of people being stupid. We are so much more powerful than fear. Fear-driven belief systems have been happening since the dawn of civilization. The gods fight over us, divide us, punish us, and if not them, then we do this to each other in the name of the gods.
Ok, did you catch that? WE DO THIS TO EACH OTHER IN THE NAME OF THE GODS.
I've said in other places that humans have elevated monkeys flinging poop at each other to an art form. I've been saying since I was small that I never wanted to be a human, that I'd rather have been a dog or a horse.
But you know what? There are also some really brilliant people on this planet who use story-telling wisely. They accomplish far more on a world scale in real time than any religion on this planet. If anyone wants to believe I'm going to hell for appreciating this skill and the way it networks people all over the world into a family of fans that care about each other across national boundaries and beliefs, then fine, believe what you want.
I'm done with intellectual jousting from the dark ages, and I'm especially done sharing my thoughts on it because it gets people too excited and then the misunderstandings run rampant into even wilder prognosticating. Trying to explain this to the people who need to hear it is a waste of time, apparently. So, it goes here, where it won't be seen, because who I actually am on this planet isn't nearly so important as the lengthy deep secret discussions over what amounts to fear-driven madness, which does absolutely nothing to help anyone heal or feel loved. I have better things to do with my intellect than spend it in secret caves getting excited about things we can't do anything about.
She's got a tight end left, I've got a wide receiver and a defense. I'll try to be gentle tonight.
Ok. Twitter and Facebook, looking at you guys. People actually telling, no- commanding people they've known a long time to unfollow if they didn't agree on candidate. I can't tell you how many times across accounts I saw this happening, so I'm not picking on anyone, but I feel a disturbance in the force. Lemme help you.
You have a block button.
You have your own unfollow button.
You have a mute button.
In some cases (thank you, Facebook), you even have a "I'd rather not see posts like these" in your settings.
Venomously telling people to unfollow you regardless of history or length of relationship is idiotic, stupid, shallow, mean, and completely undermines whatever faith in humanity motif you feel you represent. You know, in case you wake up sometime before holidays and wonder why old friends or family are no longer talking to you.
By the way, Snarkalecs win the internet. Brava on actually making the debate funny.
Moving on.
@bonenado's new ride. 80K, 10 years old, nearly perfect interior. Well deserved. It's about time he gave himself a break.
And these guys.
Most years it's ladybugs smothering our house, this year it's pine processionary caterpillars (beware that link, I had to cancel an auto download, but it's an excellent study), and the really stupid thing about them is that the hairs can pierce you like porcupine barbs and can cause rashes and eye irritation, and even allergic reactions, which we all know would be really bad for moi. Hundreds of them are all over the ground, my front deck, and around my door, and just picking up a box UPS dropped off meant having to roll it around knocking caterpillars off all sides without touching them. They are creating the most prolific 'bagworm' year we've ever seen (bagworms are something else entirely), and it's actually visually pretty because it's so saturating that it's creating a pleasing balance across the landscape. 8 of the cutest toxic caterpillars
In other news, we're all asking, "Where is autumn?" Looking at watches. "It should have been here by now." This year is just weird. We've had fast autumns where the leaves all go brown and drop in one week flat, gorgeous autumns that suddenly vanish after one stormy night, long staggered autumns where the trees are confused and slowly realize 'oh', but this one is the first time I've ever seen #allthetrees forget to turn. Next week is traditional peak, and people are going, um, wanna plan an outing around autumn peak, not sure how to do this...
I'm just now looking at my fantasy team this week. Looks like my guys are done. Uh-oh, looks like Jim has one player left tonight. I could still yet be toast.
Mold count in Spfld is over 45,000 already. My sinus is on fire. Hello, autumn flood season. Wait, we have an autumn flood season?
O_O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was looking for a demotivational poster for autumn and ran right into this. My brother took that pic, and I know because he took it several years ago on his property and used it as a cover on his music site back then, and I told him it was a really nice pic and he told me he took it himself. Incidentally, when you click this pic back to source you can see the date this poster was loaded, which is 2 weeks after our mom died. I looked through the user posts and found out the birthday month is different, so my brother didn't make this. You can see the same landscape in a post I wrote that included a pic from one of his kiddo's wedding reception.
The synchronicity is strong this morning. *gets more coffee*
Busy week coming, gotta rock out the door every day till Friday, and I'm not holding my breath on that one. I will say one thing. Any man who gives a woman crap during a severe post partum crash is pure selfish, and meemaw is pretty pissed.
Although it goes against my better judgement and experience to keep promoting other people's junk, this slid into my DMs and now it's your #mondaymotivation. I'm not endorsing this person, but yeah, this is about where my head is right now.
A couple of days ago I mentioned a big hard day out with Bunny, and then on twitter yesterday I said pix coming, and here we go, after I say a couple things again.
I got a little lecture-y in that mention post about tears for a commercial. That commercial was a concocted fictional story designed to yank your chains so you'd spend money (with a nice cover agenda), and apparently it was a wild success. I've already done my crying, thank you. After going through being DPOA for my own parent in a nursing home for 5 years, I think that ad sucks because a little wave from a very long distance without a single word or touch is still pretty lame. An aging population not being 'visited' by family probably means there are some pretty full plates out there, and thank goodness there are programs and facilities in place to help us care for our aging parents.
What I'm about to show you is real life, and in the mention post I said I shut off my feels so I could handle the hard. Before we get started you need to understand why I said that. We have lots of experience in our family. My sister's oldest daughter grew up in and out of hospitals and finally died in one, and then she nearly lost her only other child several years later after a car hit her in a crosswalk and they reconstructed her leg (nearly lost it) and got her through some pretty sucky head trauma. Our Bunny's mama had a very terrible experience herself in a hospital and had to be transported across the state after a surgery accident, and she and @bonenado were there through Christmas with Sploit and I not knowing if they'd both make it home, so that was a sucky holiday for sure. I've visited the Cystic Fibrosis wing in a research/college hospital a couple of times, full of kids who get dropped off by parents for routine yearly 2-week 'maintenance' or more imminent needs and testing. For someone who's never actually been admitted to a hospital despite having heart surgery (outpatient, believe it or not) and the plethora of miseries I've suffered (including a really bad car accident), I'm very familiar and even comfortable in them because I visit them so much. I even say in Explaining Depression- "If I had the stamina, I'd be volunteering at one of the hospitals, because I love hospitals and feel safe there. I've spent so much time in hospitals hanging out with other people that they feel like home to me, even though I've never been hospitalized myself." By the way, I don't watch hospital shows on TV. My fave part to hate on in hospital room scenes is the character ripping or taking the IV out without any blood spurting around or even applying pressure or covering up that spot, and then just walking right out. I once accidentally tore an IV out and blood so thoroughly shot all over the room and everything in it that I felt like I was the star in a horror film. What is the point of realistic filming if IV scenes are so blown off, yea verily.
Just a quickie for people still feeling teary-eyed or even guilty over the 'man on the moon' ad- take a book, take your knitting or ipad, pack nibblies in a lunchbox, pack activities for kids, and plan on hanging out for awhile when you go visit old people in their home or care facility. You don't have to talk and make eye contact that whole time (it's hard for some older people to talk anyway), you don't have to 'do stuff' for them, just show up and hang around, take a break and walk around, eat in the cafeteria with them (or by their bedside), and when you say goodbye, just say you'll try to come back soon. Very simple, no pressure. If you think you'll have a hard time, take xanax or something before you go. I had a very hard time with it. I actually fled the building a few times feeling very sick. Make yourself psychologically comfortable with a little help (don't go in drunk, guys), and just be yourself hanging out. My mom's care facility had a resident cat that creeped the hallways and visited all the rooms, and a bird cage, and a fenced 'back yard' with a bench and a big tree, and even a small lending library with books and magazines (another idea for charity- donate books and magazines to nursing homes!!!), and a giant fish tank. If you're stuck for a charity idea this year, go poke around a local nursing home. And take socks.
Ok, back to Bunny. I haven't been saying much, but we've been watching a little problem for several months, and now we're going through steps making sure other bigger problems aren't going on. She's ok. Not out of the woods yet, but passed one of the bigger tests with flying colors.
Things are so different nowadays. When I was a kid, medical tests in a hospital were way more traumatic. Kids were treated very differently, barked at to behave, and then parents were frowned on if the kids were nervous or afraid. I was a screamer (#aspienado), but I also had a very controlling parent, so when I had a barium enema at around 5 or 6 years old, I did what I was told but the trauma was almost inexcusable, and I certainly wasn't reassured in any form before, during, or after. (Bunny had a different test, but still invasive.)
having a toy to bite on while waiting is good
Bunny's experience was very different. She was allowed to be a real person, spoken to like a real person, given time to process and understand requests, and was handled by empathetic adults all around. The tech told Bunny's mama she was the quietest 2 year old they'd ever had (as in not screamy) and I believe the reason is because she trusts her mama so completely. Circus baby (yowza, that post looks like it's been invaded with viral ads or something) is one example of a full blown ADHD person raising a full blown ADHD baby. We are strong advocates for neurodiversity (I have Aspergers) and it shows in how well Bunny behaves in new and sometimes scary situations.
As scary as medical stuff is (I have outstanding anxiety around MRIs and stuff), nowadays we are surrounded, for the most part, by people who are much more empathetic and very well trained, and all the stuff we go through is to make sure we can be as healthy as possible, no matter what is going on with us.
The waiting room is hard, too. I brought stuff to do, but I got a little silly. If I hadn't been on the very edge of my phone plan, I probably would've been tweeting. I was surprised how quickly they got done, and next thing you know, there's a Bunny telling me c'mon, let's go.
She even got a little baby to take with her. No one ever gave me a little baby after stuff like that when I was a kid.
The best part about hospitals nowadays is gift shops and coffee shops and places to hang out that feel more like a mall or something. I know it's hard for some parents to allow a child to feel like they have some control in public situations, especially if you're not sure what they'll do, but I've become very comfortable with 'busy' little people. You just hafta get in busy gear along with them and keep up. Once they own their space, they get over stuff real fast.
Grampa couldn't be there, but we knew he'd have picked out this penguin. He really likes penguins.
Second breakfast, like a Hobbit. I heard she ate 2 pancakes before I picked them up, and now look at her go! (Even during a tooth coming in, wow.) Big stuff makes a person hungry. Hospital cafeterias rock, I don't care what anyone says. I've eaten many meals in 'canteen'.
And then it all catches up and we get tired.
That penguin looks like a second child.
The older doctor who ordered this test was very kind, like a grampa doctor, but he had ordered sedation for this test, which would have required driving to the university hospital in Columbia. @bonenado and I were all for this plan after the traumas we've been through as kids during medical testing and stuff. However, Bunny's mama talked to a nurse who does this test all day on kids and she advised against sedation for several reasons (sedation complications outweighing trauma problems), and after being told she'd be allowed in, went ahead and scheduled for local, which would be much less stressful for her because work and other things. After listening to her research and knowing she'd be there where Bunny could see her and know her mama would see what she's going through (since a child that young can't verbalize and communicate fear later when memories come up), I was ok with it, too, and tagged along for support. I really and truly believe the worst things adults do to children is tell them to shut up or be still during fear and nerves, and then not walk them through the emotional process. I touched base a little about how shut down I was as a child and what I'm still working on with a psychologist in hybrid- how robots go on. I think a lot of adults around my age range are having midlife crises because of traumas they never effectively or successfully processed as children, and that leads to feeling helpless and powerless as adults and consequently making bigger emotional demands on other adults, leading to divorces and all kinds of other things. We are all broken.
I am very proud of my Twink (Bunny's mama) for being so patient with her kiddo and making the world better for her. It actually turned out to be a good day. This is me taking them to the back side of the parking lot because I got the closer spot.
After that we split up, and now I have other pix.
Despite going through one of the most brilliant and longest lasting autumns we've had in years, I've gotten very few pictures, after years of being obsessed with photographing autumn. So I grabbed a shot while I was driving, lol. Now I don't feel like I missed autumn. I made a much bigger deal about it last year.
A guy @bonenado works with makes wine, and this is made from my sister's blueberry field.
I really miss being able to tweet pix from my phone, I used to do that a lot. @bonenado and I got a rare day out yesterday, went to town super early and hung out piddling and running errands for a few hours. He's a big Hot Wheels collector, so I wind up looking through them, too, and I can't get over how silly the licensing has gotten. Really? Can you imagine Lexx Hot Wheels? I mean, at this point, I'd love to see anything merched with Lexx on it, it would mean something's actually happening with the property. Oh, well.
Then we wandered around several Christmas shops in the stores we visited. This one would be perfect for #latenightmovie gang.
And this is just cute.
No, we didn't buy any new ornaments. EXCEPT. We found a matching robot, so now we have a @bonenado robot to go with Pinky robot that we found a few years ago.
I know some of you really hate early Christmas music. After YEARS of refusing to even listen to Christmas music, I'm finally in a little bit of a mood again. Still twisted, but it's kinda back.
Not real often people see me out of a t-shirt. Metaphorically.
You can click on that to click on each pic to see better.
I'm so matchy. Even had a green umbrella.
Extra points to this guy for actually making it all the way into town like that. Hey, he's green, too!
So I got a yes on some of the degeneration thing we were watching earlier this year, but in a good way. If that makes any sense. The new stuff will be assessed again later. It was a good day to get out, at any rate. I made myself pay attention and soak in some autumn. It's going really slow this year, peak is lasting forever.
I would love doing this in a jigsaw puzzle.
Ok, this is getting a little ridiculous. Non vous aussi, LinkedIn.
Thanks to an incoming lurker from a referral link, I've discovered webmii.com (seriously, I don't go looking for this stuff, this one's apparently been around awhile). Spock is sort of impressed with how thoroughly they gathered my public info compared to other ranking sites I've seen.
This is actually the sort of thing I've been shooting for, in case the ridiculous amount of time and effort going into my fleet seems like a waste of time. I know this score doesn't look very high (for "Janika Banks"), but it's actually not bad out of millions (and more millions) of web profiles on the internet.
It also shows how crucial it is to find a stand out name on the webs because when I tried Pinky Guerrero, it totally smashed me and several other Pinkys together, abysmally lowering the klout score, among other things.
I know, silly time wasting stuff. Like I said, hipster coffee shops. I'm in one of my twisted funks where nothing looks right because I'm way too tired. BUT HEY, I was ready for early Halloween and it didn't happen, lol. At least I'm actually ready this year. I like to make goody sacks packed with treats.
I think I'm still sad from all that death stuff I finally dealt with, but it's hard to tell because I'm so good at not lingering on dwelling. Well, ok, I dwelt all spring and summer and partway into the fall (after 8 years of shutdown, part of my head points out), but I mean it was a more angsty kind of confusion because I had no idea that's really where it was headed. Now everything is just really quiet in my head.
I've rather carefully never wished for anything in my life, not really. I'm the sort of person who sees the futility in wishes and hopes, and if stuff doesn't happen, you either just make it happen if you really want it, or walk away and don't whine about it. Imagine spending a childhood like that. If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, right? Adults actually said that to me. But something is sneaking up on me. No one sees the horses in my head.
"What we are we cannot be, what we are not, we are."
emo_rainbow_unicorn (Jess)
click pic for source
I think I'm feeling a wish starting to form. I'm not really sure what it is yet, but I know it's there. If Pinky had one wish... I wonder what it would be. Or is. It's already there, lurking, not letting me see it yet.
It sure is making for an interesting Pinkyween this year.
