when the stars go blue

This is for all the people who are afraid they'll snap and the world will hate them so bad, because sometimes it's only a matter of time and there is no one out there who understands how to catch them when their stars fall.

woke up to hater porn, how is your Monday?

click for Angry Gamer Cat memes

First ban on my Lexxperience FB page this morning, idiot with a header full of pigs in bonnets and a feed full of really bad Muslim sex cartoons. Not tolerating crap, people. Added a 'review posts' setting so my page won't get spammed. In case some of you Lexx fans don't know, I've been deleting and banning determined haters for YEARS. One year in my Xanga past, someone created multiple accounts over and over and over just to keep pasting very lengthy diatribes about how I was going to hell (pick a religion and insert here, I've heard it ALL), and I just don't think it's cute when a brand new facebook account with a suspiciously familiar name (recent 'friend'?) starts following my cool stuff out of the blue to start religious and political wars. I did my best not to let stuff get ugly on twitter, but dayam if that crap starts on facebook. I have no problemo reporting haters.

Back to Pinky stuff. Been thinking for a couple of weeks about writing up a new syllabus. My old one is outdated. My pattern has changed. We're not having regular weekly Bunny visits like we used to now that she's getting older (I'm sure that'll pick back up a bit this summer), and I'm also running out the door lots more this month taking care of my own stuff.

It'll hafta start from the ground up with a whole new Plan again, plus resetting my short term and long term goals before I can put a work schedule back into place. Lately, all my writing work has been spontaneous and haphazard. I miss my daily discipline that I had in place like clockwork for several years. My output isn't as driven as it used to be. 4 a.m. minecraft is taking place over early morning writing, which might actually be a good thing on days I have to run out the door. Maybe I'll get back to less wordy on Pinky and more wordy on my writing projects. At any rate, braincation needs to be over now.

All this month I'll be running out the door 3 times a week, mostly mornings, so my morning workout time may need rescheduling. I'm usually doing my workout by 7 or 8 a.m.

In spite of all the extra activity suddenly starting back up, I still seem to be staying caught up with chores around the house, which means my energy level is up and my depression level is still down a bit, yay.

Still on top of bills and billing and scheduling more billing. Usually late winter is all about @bonenado helping me float through financially, but this winter I've juggled ALL THE THINGS and not dropped the ball once. This is probably the first winter that's ever happened, so huge high five and go me on that one. I went mildly glitchy, but I never hit my annual brain fail.

Time to get all over this day.

let's talk options while my twitchy eye holds the bazooka

This is a writing prompt to help me focus in between doing stuffs. It's actually helping. Now go away.

Took a couple of months of conscious effort to stop chewing my lips up while I work, which I've done for many years and I'm surprised I have lips left at all. I'm noticing this week after a long lipcation that I'm doing it again, rather mercilessly. Then waking up to already doing pressure points on the back of my skull in my sleep, it's probably time to admit I'm having a headache.

So I quickly review the pros and cons of powering through- extra meds or no? Bunny never did come over yesterday, but she's definitely coming today, so, extra meds. I have a super limited selection. Super. Limited. Made the executive decision to increase my morning xanax dose by a quarter pill. (That is huge in my world.) My left eyelid twitched madly in agreement. Nerve flare across my face would look like awesome galaxy colored wallpaper if it were an art form. Too bad we can't set our faces to screensaver wallpaper. Everyone going with galaxy hair, yeah, I'm totally on galaxy face...

yes of course, click for awesome

And before anyone rises up with protracted withdrawal probs, I'm the queen of benzo addiction and withdrawing (my doctor laughs, my psychiatrist doesn't) and I know, K? Iz my thang, yo. Anyway, so that raises my morning dose to .1875 (I hear laughing across the fruited plain) (I know, right, not even a whole .25 tab). Unless you've been through actual DTs and real protracted withdrawal, you have no idea how good this will feel. Spiking it with a teaspoon of 41% real vanilla in my hot chocolate protein drink is heaven. (I hear more laughing. You guys will laugh when your livers swell up, I'm telling ya.)

Next option, if things still go out of control later today, will be a 7.5 mobic, and that actually doesn't touch the pain, just tones down the yelling a little for awhile. That is the only thing left I can do unless I get desperate enough to risk another reaction on another med I haven't tried yet after being a guinea pig for 2 decades. Anyway, if I take it every day I get the crazy watery auras across everything I look at. That's bad, something about high blood pressure and optic nerve involvement. If I wind up on pred because another out of the blue reaction on top of auras, we're talking defcon dizzy and that's super bad. You don't play around with brains like that when you're autoimmune. That means at ~*most*~ I take it every other day, and I try to hold it down to every 3-4 days. Yes, iz my only pain med option at this point. You people who can toss back pain pills, thank your deities and mother earth you have it so good. You people who keep bringing up medical marijuana- 1- I said I had a reaction (yes, people can be allergic to cannibas), and 2- that's still not a thing in Missouri. We grow it here. I.l.l.e.g.a.l.l.y. For you guys. I know things about the 'medical marijuana' *cough*industry*cough* that you hipsters don't wanna know. Yeah, I know some of you get regulated organic, isn't that sweet. You other dweebs suggesting street drugs to me in DMs, #btchplz. I like having what health I've scraped back together, so back off. This isn't funny to me any more. If you're still using those to cope, you haven't hit the ultra rock bottom I have.

I know, right, what is this doing in a 'bitch please' search
click to find out. or don't, I don't care
I told you to go away

The goal is to feel more comfortable feeling every bony structure in my skull and face. Many times through the years I have pondered how weird it is to feel like the real me is a walking skeleton, and especially to envision my face as just a skull, because every muscle ligament and tendon attachment to anything bony is an inflammation point. I've lived my entire adult life very aware of my skeleton. I used to feel freaked out about how people love skeleton art, because I felt so weird feeling like a skull looking around at everyone. Can people not see I am a walking talking skull? Because I sure feel like I am.

click. go get lost. run free. you're welcome.

Terry Pratchett helped a lot with embracing my skeleton as part of the whole me experience. One of my fave characters is Death, not because he's spooky or mystical or whatever, but because he has problems. He's just this non-corporeal anthropomorphized local event phenomenon wrestling with being audited, losing his job, and staying on top of an aspie-like obsession with cataloging and organizing timers going off. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE BLOGGED? Haha. You have to read the books to get that.

you foodies realize you can do stuff with colored sugar and funnels, right?
I've played....

Meanwhile, @bonenado comes back in for breakfast and several deer magically show up in the yard. He's trying to get pix. They're like teenagers, little nubs where antlers go. This is the best one I got. You can see a butt on the left and a head popping up just over the deck railing. That's the neighbor's garden.

My thoughts on the France attacks (good article) since I've been asked by several people sprinkled around the world- I think we will eventually reluctantly wind up in a world war over whether religious and political beliefs can continue to target innocents, which means new world order with world citizenry and all the nations agreeing to uphold laws already put in place by the United Nations. (Some countries adamantly resist in order to retain autonomy and control over their citizens, including the right to torture, kill, and even retain legal slavery.) I could be wrong, yes, but if I'm right, it will be the first war in world history that is about actual human rights and not assets and boundaries. It will end with the world agreeing on basic human rights. Those who are afraid of political and religious tethering and perceived loss of particular freedoms (the U.S. is not alone in this) will continue to enjoy shopping and traveling. I'm not looking forward to the war part, but I do hold high hopes for a future (however distant) of the human race becoming better. A few might think this is a belief system sellout, it is not. It is stepping off the dizzy merry-go-round of fear. I believe fear is a tool, and keeping people fearful via belief systems holds them hostage. This is not a social phenomenon created by a deity, but by a pyramid power structure. It's been going on for nearly 3000 years, and it's time we stop being duped by the process and look at how we're all going to survive each other. And, for those of you into conspiracy theories, sure why not, the militants trying to usher in the end of the world are in league with the antichrist, and we are in the age where the whole world will witness according to Revelations because of internet yada yada blahblahblah. Living at that level of hyper readiness all my life has burned me out pretty badly. ALL. MY. LIFE. Letting fear saturate 'beliefs' to the point of nonstop anxiety is only playing us into big pharm, so cut it out. Enjoy the moments, guys. Remember, holographic universe, gaming system, we're just a buncha avatars going through motions, and we are the ones who beget meaning in our own lives. Find your meaning.

If I can say all that calmly with a fairly rough headache, y'all can, too. Calm down, stop the bipolar yelling for simultaneous #killallthe____ and #faithinhumanityrestored and take a chill pill. They're working on it, ok? Takes a little patience to figure big probs out.

Nearly breaking the coffee pot because carpal tunnel brings the world back into focus, right? Whew, nearly had to run to Walmart for a new carafe.

clicks to cute 'Momnesia' blog

Also, if I have an enemy somewhere out there poking pins in my effigy and wishing plagues upon me, I'm seriously done with the ladybugs, you can stop now. Send the ladybugs to the terrorists.

This one is my fave. I can't get a click through, maybe you'll have better luck if you click on the ladybug meme collection pic up there.

NOT A COASTER. >=l

We're getting ready for a Bunny. See ya.

faith in humanity

I very seldom block or mute nowadays because I almost never check raw feeds. I have so much incoming that it's just easier to go straight to notifications and then from there I go to list feeds or individuals I want to check on.

It's difficult to write about negativity without being a drag, but I'll attempt it.

There are some of us in this world that have already been so emotionally slaughtered with pain and grief that we can no longer handle looking at it. We do our best to stay positive and keep moving. There are a number of things I have to avoid completely, including radio and TV stations, if I want to get through my day intact accomplishing whatever my daily plan is. Once I hit a shatter point, the rest of my day is shot and nothing else gets done.

I have nothing against people noticing bad things going on in this world, and I applaud social media for bringing things to our attention that need to be noticed. We cannot become a better people until we have noticed that there are still so many needing help out of dire and sometimes horrifically abusive situations.

I can generally handle seeing a big post pop up first thing when I first load a page. It happens once in awhile. I just scroll or click and move on. I handle a picture about severe abuse the same way I handle a detailed close up of a big spider- I momentarily freeze, choke back a hard gag reflex, remind myself to take a breath so I don't get dizzy, move my hand on the keyboard while I try not to look at the screen, get the shock out of my line of sight as quickly as possible, and then move on to what I was going to do.

It's important to understand that I'm not offended. There's a big difference between being offended and dealing with post traumatic stress. You can't imagine the blazing shots of sadness and rage I go through restraining myself from pointing out in comments that what someone just posted to get a lot of commentary attention is NOTHING compared to some things I've seen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears from people I've met in real life- 'nice' people who wear nice clothes and live in nice houses and go to nice churches.

And then the comments coming out of the woodwork- I glanced through a few last night and was appalled. The hate seething back toward the accused in the shared photo was so much more overdone than the abuse in the picture. My faith in humanity was completely shot within about ten comments, and they kept coming.

Hate is not the answer to abuse. More abuse back on people we don't even know, which would include innocents across the board, IS NOT THE ANSWER TO ABUSE.

This world cannot heal with hate.

I refuse to drag that crap into my timelines, and I usually refuse to be baited into it, because what it is on social media is an attention game. Getting a lot of feedback on a single post or update makes a person feel like they have friends. That is not how friendship works. Jerking people's emotions around isn't being a friend.

If you guys really want to restore my faith in humanity, stop hating humanity. It's that simple. I don't have a problem with bad people being bad, because that's just who they are. What I do have a problem with is 'nice' people being hateful, and they know better. Gang hating on social media and then posting stuff about love and religion and faith in humanity is a paradox, an incongruity I can't live with. I understand we get worked up, but one person purposely whipping up a crowd until everyone agrees we need to viciously KILL a whole group of human beings because one cat was abused is so utterly ridiculously wrong that I feel sick. Just sick.

I'd also like to thank that person for the post traumatic nightmares I had last night. At one point Scott had to wake me up it was so bad. People don't have to be war veterans to have PTSD.

I'm the one who says we can do what we want on our own blogs and stuff, and I still believe that, and if someone doesn't care for it, don't read it. There are mute buttons all over facebook and twitter. I can handle quite a bit of weird and sad and frustration, but last night disintegrated into Lord of the Flies, and that mute button looked mighty fine after several of these particular experiences kept happening every time I pulled the page open.

Time to redirect my brain. Pulling out the big guns today. I hope you all have great Mondays with wonderful food, and if it falls through in any way, I hope the rest of the day goes as smoothly and easily as possible.