I forewent buying my usual bag of chocolate chips this last week and everything has gone all to hell. Well, I'm doing great managing and juggling and accomplishing, even organizing, but I'm mentally smh (any interpretation on that works just fine) and accidentally doubling or skipping coffee, and once that slippery slope sends me slithering sideways surreptitiously (I have honestly never used that word before, I hate that word because it's used far too much in all things print- seriously, do you ever hear anybody actually use that word in real life?), nevermind, went off course and I no longer care if I properly finish that thought or sentence.
~ the next day ~
I could go on about how cool it was getting my own radishes out nearly all by myself in a number of years and everything hurts because physical therapy but look at me go, or I could just drop it and move on.
Not sure how I'm doing it because super fail on several fronts, but actually remembered to get my own daughter's Mother's Day fleurs ordered before the blackout dates (nothing like having a child right on top of Mother's Day and not one florist would get flowers to her after a really rough delivery 5 years ago and I have somehow mixed up my days ever since), and I can't even with the rest after so much dealing last month. I'm closed for the rest of this month.
Ok, not shut down entirely, just not dealing with any more gooey sappy reminders of sad for awhile. Done with sad. The hangover after finally processing a big sad leaves me nothing for anything else, so this month I am hiding from the world party in a metaphorical bathroom.
Caution: This is a think piece masquerading as conspiracy mockery.
Caution on this vid, probably NSFW. It's ok if you skip it, it's just a perfume commercial. Sort of.
~~~~~~~~~~
I know this vid is old (you'll have to click over to that if you want to see it, I'm not sharing it here), and I absolutely do not care whether it's real or not. I mean, it explains a lot of weird dreams and maladies I've had since childhood (and quite a lot of historical art that I run into), but so does basic childhood trauma around the world time out of mind and tons of entertainment saturation and doublespeak. I could point out flaws galore with it, and I could also point out how well it actually works in all our entertainment, especially scifi and porn. You see those motifs in that vid used regularly through the decades in both. Who knows, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, right.
There is a commonality throughout our entertainment that many of us either don't notice, don't piece together, or don't care about. Tell me how this movie is any different from Lady Gaga and 75% of the scifi, horror, and fantasy out there. You've got the underground, the cloning and recreating, the allusion to pedophilia and the wealthy who seek it, the 'game' that separates kids from families, men in black, the star child, and even a psychiatrist's couch. Every conspiracy you can find in all the other stuff is here, too. Well, maybe not the reptilians. I haven't really tried that hard.
And of course we all saw Johnny go on to become the Hatter in yet another of hundreds of Alice and White Rabbit retells. How are we not frickin' bored to tears yet with the whole rabbit hole thing? Um, maybe because there's some credence to it? But here is where I'm quick to point out that if it's real, then we've been so saturated with it for so long that who even cares any more?
The point is, human brains like patterns. Our minds are especially adapted to making patterns out of everything we see around us. If we are all learning the same things, seeing the same art and entertainment and news, then all our brains are synchronized to start noticing the same kinds of patterns. Some people are a lot better are specific kinds of patterns, like math and music, others are a lot better at social patterns and how people generally behave, others are really good at creating food and art and building and inventing because they catch on so quickly about how bits and pieces combine to become something else. Everything we do as humans is based on being able to recognize and create patterns. I happen to see patterns in entertainment, and I see quite a lot of repetition and borrowing and crossovering kind of stuff, which becomes even more fascinating when I dig into the history of creating entertainment, because that's what my brain is good at.
Just a sec, quick break. Seriously, I took a break.
I know this looks like a wild veer into different thought, but it's important. Part of my own personal inner turmoil and self interrogation is exactly this- Why do I seem to like it rough? (as the video below suggests). Maybe it's because I've been trained to handle life being rough from an early age. It was innocently done, to be sure, but by people so trained themselves that they couldn't see the actual conflict they were living out, with cruelty calling itself love. So much of this started ages and ages ago, long before they were even born. By the way, back to conspiracy, Lady Gaga in the gold outfit is the reptilian mockup, and the guys sitting around her in the rain of diamonds reminds me of the weird phase shifted beings (also shape shifters) sitting around a box full of human souls sucking up the fear and anguish for food in Star Trek Next Generation. I see so many crossover triggers to so many other imagery setups in tv shows and stuff, bits of sets, the way costumes are used, I think the subconscious effect on the brain is about the same between pop music and science fiction on television. And maybe there's a reason for that, but if there is, then we're up to our eyeballs in muppets and Disney while we're at it, so I'm not going there.
Needed another break. You probably did, too. I really like this song.
So I brought up the Paul McCartney conspiracy the other day, right. It's ok, I'm not the only delusional person in the world. And again, I really don't care. I never collected the Beatles stuff, although a nearly complete collection fell into my possession a few years ago. But for argument's sake, let's assume I'm the crazy one, although none of my diagnoses quite go that far.
In case you're new to me and haven't come across any of the general conspiracy crap blowing the world up for the last several decades (and especially over the last few years with the advent of youtube), the root of everything you need to know boils down to stuff being right in front of our faces, like living double lives and not being able to really believe stuff under our noses while we freak out about every little sentence on twitter or something. Conspiracy is a 2 sided coin. People who cover something up create conspiracy, but so do people who believe in something not real. What's it called when the conspiracy isn't hidden any more and the people are still freaking about it being a conspiracy?
What if you could get your wish? What if you had another you to go to work and you wouldn't have to personally experience the drudgery? What if you could turn that part of your mind over to a different you and then flip back and enjoy life after work was over? I know some of us would love that, right? Well, that's basically what some entertainers appear to be doing. Their work is so rigorous that they undergo aggressive, what I call, 'brain training'. And they don't have to really remember any of that if they don't want to, kind of like you don't have to remember having an operation. You go through a process that 'fixes' a few things, do a little recovery time, and find yourself handling so much more than you thought possible, remembering your lines better, having all kinds of fun traveling and being famous. No one has to know or even gets to know what you did to be able to fast track. Because, let's face it, none of us ordinary people could really keep up with a lot of what some of them are doing. 16 hour days? All hours, all kinds of weather, and millions at the box office. Maybe it's worth not remembering half the grueling stuff you had to go through, or at least being able to turn it off a little. Apparently, though, that has its flaws, and so the conspiracies are ramping up and people are freaking out and not realizing that quite a lot of people around the world grow up with the basic first steps of brain prepping for the training in the first place. It's been all around us all along, so why is this a surprise? I actually found it to be a bit familiar, and I've not even been through the 'pro' level.
What do you want? How badly do you want it? What are you willing to agree to do or give up in order to get what you want? Actually, you don't necessarily have to sell your soul or hand your mind over to a trainer to get what you want, but if all you care about is the fast track, yeah, you'd probably jump in without thinking it through.
But really, what if when your life sucks and you have a meltdown, a handler could just magically make it easier to deal? Or a brain chip? What if a frequency could be tweaked the same way a CPAP machine could be adjusted? What if you could message your psychiatrist and get a remote tweak adjust in your chip to get a slight frequency change and feel better? Brain waves are all the rage nowadays. They can be modulated without even touching you, and some day it may be possible from more of a distance.
Back to the Paul McCartney thing. Here are a couple of vids if you're interested, or you can skip them. It's not necessary to watch them, but your arm hairs will go up better later if you do a few minutes on each one first. I can prep your brain for a better experience, lol, setting up a pattern, as it were. And it works even better if you watched that very first link in the first paragraph up there, kinda trippy.
Ok, break time. I love that this next vid gets so many negative comments, but I don't see any pyramid conspiracy freak outs about it. Really flew under the ol' radar.
Ok, back to the Paul McCartney thing. During those vids I got two screenshots in particular. People have been freaking out lately about these kinds of things, and I keep saying I grew up with them. This is the proof.
You can check out these 4 articles if you want. Yes, it's part of the overall experience. I started looking because I've always mildly wondered what the in the world a yellow submarine has to do with anything. Well...
The Illuminatus! Trilogy- These novels go back to 1975, and you can see there is loads of conspiracy set into an entertainment format. This stuff has been going on since before most of you were born. Like I said, I grew up with it. "The prison is bombed and he is rescued by the Discordians, led by the enigmatic Hagbard Celine, captain of agolden submarine. Hagbard represents the Discordians in their eternal battle against the Illuminati, the conspiratorial organization that secretly controls the world. He finances his operations by smuggling illicit substances."
Discordianism- In case you were wondering what that is in the above paragraph, that is the old timey ancient mythological word for Chaos Magick, which is what it's all called today. It's an interesting read. Again, I grew up with those ideas, not in my home per se, but prevalent enough around us that my parents nearly put us kids into a private school.
Operation Mindfuck- Yes, that's a real thing that goes back to the 60s and basically explains what's happening on social media right now. Knowing is power, power is knowing. Step over conspiracy and learn what the real is behind it.
Ok, let's put this all together now, assuming you kept up with all the vids and articles, and I'll say it very simply. Paul McCartney may have been cloned. I'll leave you to wonder what I just did to your head. Those of you who know I'm a huge Lady Gaga fan, *mind blown*. Space was her DJ on her world tour, and she is the best example I've ever seen of purposeful conspiracy paraded around the planet.
You can't find much on this guy, despite his obvious world level fame.
If you skipped all those vids and articles, it's ok to start over. Your arm hairs will still go up, even if you don't believe in it. Like I said, trippy.
There's a room I keep in my head where it's always this. No matter what else is going on in real life, this is tucked away from the first time I heard it many years ago, and every time I play it back in my head I think about all the people I've met (both online and real life) and how glad I am I got to know them.
I'm the sort of person who took a very long time to figure out I actually had friends whether I realized it or not, and I usually didn't because I'm such an aspienado pinhead. I spent years autopsying every relationship I went through until I finally started noticing that I'm the dork who takes dolls apart and sets them on fire. If you translate this to people, I do it while they're still alive and trying to be friends with me. I'm sure it's been a little odd at times.
The comments on that vid are delightful, btw.
I'm pretty sure this is how they greet you in Hell.
This is the one song that will be burned into my mind until the day I die.
I love this, subtly alluding to the children being lured to their planned deaths.
I remember the first time I saw this movie I laughed like a madman at this part and my mom was so concerned
1:03 a reference to laughing in ''I am the walrus''
Is it me or do the instrumentals for this song sound similar to the Silver Shamrock song from Halloween 3? They're by no means identical but for some reason that's where my mind went during this scene.-Me too.
Anyway, I'm coming off a week of coasting through brain fragments on happy pills, and I can't help noticing how much I deeply care about all my people lately. I struggled for years, some of you saw that happening on twitter and this blog, and it's like this year my junk finally settled into place and now I kinda get it all now. I get me. I get that I'm a roller coaster slinging around other people's heads and I'm the one who looks blurry, not you guys.
Context relies on experience over time. I have 5 years under my belt now, my glitchy head is getting more reliable, I'm remembering better who everyone is and where they're from and what their situations are, and most of all, I'm managing to organize this info into my memory closet in real time nowadays. I have these friends here, those friends there, we like to do this and that, and it makes a nice little spreadsheet of activities I can look forward to each week. So much of that was a mixed up blur for so long, even at the beginning of this very year I could still barely keep names and locations straight, much less other kinds of stuff that makes hanging out better. I remember when I thought Penny was another child, kind of a private joke going back a bit. But yeah, it's like years ago asking people in real life at work or down the street about something they said and they look at me weird because they didn't realize they left me dangling assuming I understood, when my brain was naturally concocting more interesting stories about their lives behind their backs just to fill in missing info. One person was shocked when I asked whether her daughter was her husband's daughter too, or someone else's. I get very hung up on pronouns and names not being used interchangeably to denote shared relationships because hey, autism, so little things kinda made me the weird friend people wound up tiptoeing away from eventually. I have no problem accepting that everyone's got some level of hash slinging slasher in their past, so it's up to you guys to make sure I'm not running off perpetuating myths of some kind.
Well, ok, except for Mike Bilinski. He might really be some kind of *cough*interesting*cough*or something, so always keep your spatula handy.
Now that I've explained myself, I feel more comfortable asking these questions about some of my sketchier friends-
Does Kurt keep *ahem* guests tied to, wait, I mean locked in, no wait, I mean on an extended visit plan, yeah that's it.
Is Phil one of those retired dudes who runs a barside pool party? Because I wanna be where he is.
I'm kinda getting the feeling Jinni knows where all the good dumpsters are for body emergencies, and always packing cute little cookies and a thermos in case the nights get long.
I find it comforting that Lisa could be part of the mass brain training entertainment wave before aliens really do take over and recreate our society without a Vermont. Except I'll miss Cabot seriously sharp cheddar cheese. I wonder if she knows Benedict Cumberbatch. Pretty sure he's one of them.
Are Chris and Tammy siblings? Cousins? Secret agents spying on us?
Is Cindy in league with the Martians??? 😲
So in a few days it's a huge holiday in the U.S. and nearly everyone will be busy or comatose on the feasting, so before y'all hit the highways, I just wanna say be safe. This has been a challenging and sad year for a few of us already, so pleasepleaseplease stay safe. 💟💖💗 Especially you fun grillmeisters trying out turkey frying equipment for the first time. Show me some purty turkeys on facebook, not big lumpy bandages or something. Get those turkeys thawing! Do NOT toss a frozen bird into a deep fryer!!!! Yes, I feel like I have to say that. This year has been a little too ripe for facepalm. 🦃
Why are you doing this, you ask. Because my internet is too slow and sucky for gaming, I reply. Oh, you say. Yes, it sucks, I say.
Three weeks till the big eclipse, guys. Hey, I stick up for the picked on. Also, click for more, because if you're reading Pinky blog, you're probably as bored as I am. #10 is awesome.
I just discovered that "panki y el guerrero" is a thing. Hm. Moving on. Oh, here we go, press the Bored Button. Meh. Wo, lol, I come up in an 'Elon Musk' search.
Ok, here you go. you're my lobster Not a clue in the world why that particular post got associated with Elon Musk in a search. The only time I even mention him here in Pinky blog out of over a thousand posts is on base reality. If someone dragged my writing into comments somewhere else, I guess thank you? Kinda weird how this one worked out.
I'm actually looking for the post I made once with all kinds of doo-dads to play around on. Super facepalm on it being impossible to find, even with all the tags I use.
Ok, I'm worn out now. I've looked and looked and finally just ran into this vid I salvaged on a Pinky post on Xanga. "I could easily write 10,000 words on the magic of the old days"... I'm going out on this one.
Eating coffee ice cream at 10:30 last night wasn't the brightest idea I've had, but hey, it was ~partytime~! Unfortunately, my personal party time continued till about 1:00 a.m., long past Bunny and Papa falling asleep. And I am the first one dragging back up at 6 a.m. hovering over coffee like a hobo over a tiny fire.
The party began just before sundown when prehistoric Bunny walked into our house. This is a pic mama got her to stand still for, there's no way I could've gotten a pic myself last night because she was so wound up from a party at her daycare. She looooooves having a tail.
A Batman pic came in, too, with a notation that this was his attitude toward pumpkins the entire time, which cracks me up.
I did loads of multitasking during last night's #Stakeland2 live tweet on @Syfy. First, I got bumped to the TV in the bedroom because Bunny was watching Care Bears on the big TV, then 5 minutes later she was running back and forth between rooms making a game out of bringing me fake meals, then she wanted another bread and butter sandwich (wound up making 3, and she got jelly all over the couch, but that was Papa's problem). I can't believe I was able to live tweet at all since I was missing so much, but it kinda made it way more fun.
For a super dead live tweet, I got a sweet 199 impressions on this one
and I couldn't believe this one pulled in 250.
I know, I'm excited over that when last week I pulled in 14K just on one tweet during a live tweet. I think the dead live tweets are more challenging, like a game. If you can score, it's real.
Anyway, Bunny found the change bowl and stuck her fingers in my face commanding me that we were going to play pennies for "2 MINUTES" (funny how they mimic what adults do, so now I'm wondering who got in her face about "2 MINUTES" because she looked pretty stern and kept repeating it), so we spent 20 minutes sorting and resorting pennies, big ones, tiny ones, and nickels (nickels are always the hardest)
and by the time I got back to the live tweet, only 2 people got the joke, and I'm pretty sure one of them wasn't even watching.
I love controlled chaos, so of course I let Bunny break all the eggs herself this morning, but later I took the heat for the bit of shell she ran into that put her off the rest of her scrambled eggs. I could easily blame the sous chef, but meemaw admitted fault for missing one of about 20 pieces of shell that got picked out. Bad chef! NO TIP FOR ME!
And then Papa was her best friend for awhile going outside while I cleaned up. This is a rare capture, they're usually blurs. Mama would be horrified at the glorious unmatchiness since Bunny pretty much grew up baby GAP at home, so hopefully 60s hippie meemaw doesn't get called on this, lol.
I regained my uber cool status when we got this thing going. That was an interesting mess. Papa said the little bones tasted sour, so he munched on those while Bunny discovered candy corn. Mama is going to have a big surprise later between the black icing and the quart of grapes she's eaten so far.
Most of the rest of this is rambly, but I'm parking thoughts here so I'll know later about when I was thinking them. I'll need point of reference if things change.
Other stuff going on in the background this weekend has included researching a couple of host sites that will allow me to build my own webpage from scratch, which would be as close to self-hosting as I could get without actually running my own server 24/7. The big photobucket fail for several hours was very disturbing, and I need a redundancy plan.
I need this... I'll probably never own one.
I may also wind up going into partial seclusion sometime in hopefully the not too near future (I haven't been talking about the 3 writing projects I keep diving into on the side on top of everything else, because alla sudden there is real science coming out about some of the ideas I first got 10-20 years ago and I could have totally been vindicated by now if I'd gotten those into print), and the neverending cycle of not feeling like I'm getting anywhere is shredding my attitude, so somehow I've gotta collect myself and focus on the Plans around my stack of spirals, which mysteriously float hither and yon. Bunny nearly pulled a stack out of a sack last night, and I was diving for it going NOOOOOOoooooooo.....
By the way, this wins facebook this week, click for the source.
Another thing I've been thinking deeply about for a couple of months is titrating off the xanax again. It's super low dose, I haven't been back on it that long, I've got back up from gabapentin now, and my health is super this time around (my first titration lasted 2 years coming out of illness that had taken me down for several years), so surely I can do this again. I know, right, titrating off a mood stabilizer over holidays, but seriously, I think it's important to keep letting my nervous system try to heal, and suppressing GABA receptors probably isn't the best way to do that. I'll hafta grain by grain it, I'm not stupid. It could take a year to get clean again without going through nasty withdrawal.
This wins, too, and clicks to source.
I have a sleep study Monday night. I'm hoping daily zyrtec-gabapentin-xanax doesn't skew it, because I'm not comfortable with the way I'm zonking so hard lately, and I really don't want to wind up on some kind of breathing assistance while I sleep. I understand it's important to brain health, but it's not the answer to underlying problems. I'm not that overweight, and I've noticed that even sitting up I automatically stop breathing when I fall asleep, and I think it's because I'm so relaxed that I just don't breathe for awhile. I've been doing this for years, but it's worse lately and I think the gabapentin isn't letting me wake up like I'd prefer to do. Fibromyalgia is much easier to deal with in the mornings if I'm not conked like a log straight through the night with very little position change. The more I move around through the night, the easier the next day is, have noticed this for years. When a doctor asks if I'm sleeping good, I point blank say I prefer not to sleep good, because I actually hurt less when I wake up a lot, because I get up and walk around. I know this is screwing up the deep sleep rhythms that need to keep cycling without interruption, but so is everything else, meds especially. I'd rather sleep 6 or less hours a night than 8 hours a night, and I think that's been a natural thing for me since childhood because I've always woken up a lot through the night. I don't know how people can sleep 10 hours away. That's like a once in 5 years event for me.
Wo, this is cool.
I think I've had enough of the whole 'you owe me' swap on social medias. I don't owe anyone follow backs or friend adds on twitter or facebook or to keep a polite connection when they abandon or don't interact, and I'm using an app that's letting me see accounts that have gone inactive. Since I've so rigorously scrubbed my twitter twice now, I was really surprised to find out 300+ more accounts have simply gone dormant just in the last 3-6 months, so since there's nothing for me to keep up with, I'm waving goodbye to them. Likewise, I have finally embraced exclusionary lists on facebook when the need arises. Several acquaintances don't seem to understand my preference for respect and courtesy across all of humanity in a public venue, and since it's MY page, I'm going to start taking my cue from a couple of very visible and prominent female celebrities I'm friended with and simply cut people off when it happens. I've been able to remain as public as I can for 4 years now so that lurkers and followers don't have to jump hoops just to see what I'm doing, and all it takes is a few to undermine the integrity of my content and degrade it into mockery or hate. I'm done with that. I don't owe anyone equal time on my own turf. No one ever sees how many friend adds I decline. I'm about ready for people who ignore the real me to get a clue. I'm not on social media to be used.
Playing with my pov on moc yesterday. The chat is hilarious.
"Wow, that was drastic." My reaction about 20 minutes into switching back to my old beta blocker yesterday morning. The closest I can come to describing how I felt on the cartia all day long for 3 weeks was like my heart was in jail and couldn't move the way it wanted to. It felt restricted, and I could feel it straining against the tethers trying to do what it thought it was supposed to do. It was unpleasant, to put it mildly. It worked super good the first week for blood pressure, but by the end of second week I'd slid into bradycardia, spurts of vasoconstriction (I'm sure my body was trying its hardest to get my blood pressure back up), a constant short of breath feeling, and complete lethargy. Yesterday morning was a very physical relief when that beta blocker hit systems and suddenly jail was gone and I my breathing relaxed. It felt like a big deal, like those shows where everyone in mission control at NASA suddenly relaxes because they finally hear from the astronauts again.
I didn't even think "Maybe I should stay home because I just made a big sweeping change in my body again." No, I went out and voted, and then chugged on up the highway on a heat index day to get some very much needed groceries. Well guess what. I had the total opposite of an anxiety attack. I went pure goofball for about an hour. It wasn't like being high, probably more like, while my body was readjusting all that blood pressure command stuff, possibly being on the verge of fainting. I was an idiot not to have a little power cuff with me to see what was going on, but when I finally reached town, I pulled into the post office, pulled up an analog clock on my phone, and did a minute long heart rate count and got 72, so I knew I'd be ok. I was coming back from bradycardia.
Quick random torture break.
And of course I had an almost immediate need for benadryl because beta blocker bumps histamine levels, but maybe it won't be such a fight now to get that zyrtec doubled again. I had to back off on that this last week, couldn't tell if it was making my med situation worse, but I felt more comfortable backing off. There aren't any drug interaction precautions between either blood pressure pill being taken with zyrtec or neurontin, but there's a moderate warning on zyrtec and neurontin, and with my body fighting the cartia so hard, and the zyrtec/neurontin combo doing the opposite, I think the reason I went from sleeping awesome to not sleeping again is because I was already in bradycardia, there was no way my brain was going to let me add more possible drowsiness, so I went into full alert mode and back to sleeping 6 or less hours a night.
Ok, you people who wonder why you still can't sleep when you're popping tons to stuff to help you sleep- I just demonstrated that your brain will do everything in its power to keep you breathing through the night, and some of us are very sensitive to chemical change in our internal environments forcing our bodies to do stuff, and our brains don't like that. So trying to restrain can actually kick us into high gear. I've been trying to get this through to doctors for years. I have become so med sensitive that even just small doses of anything trying to change something in my body, even for pain relief, can set off system alarms for hours.
One biggie I noticed fairly quickly yesterday was that the continual optic nerve headache I had developed on the cartia melted away through the day. I'm not fighting to use my eyes this morning. Optic nerve headaches usually make doctors think high blood pressure, and my every other day nsaid pill is well known for auras as it raises blood pressure in the brain and around the eyes. Things like prednisone and neurontin on top of that pain med make it worse for me, so this is a long-term thing proactive problem solving thing, planning for pain control maintenance without crossing too many streams if something goes haywire. For the cartia to somehow be lending to optic nerve pain (intuitively it should do the opposite) is important, but some of the side effects include muscle weakness (eye strain isn't mentioned) and possible higher infection risk (which means my autoimmune inflammation level could go berserk), and since I did develop the sore throat listed in common side effects and a spike in my tinnitus, yeah, I can totally see where cartia could be involved with nerve response around my trigeminal neuralgia and guess what I found. omg.
Another break in case you actually clicked and tried to read that stuff.
So, yeah. Don't blow symptoms off. Just because your doctor isn't aware or common literature doesn't mention doesn't mean there isn't a study or research out there somewhere very specifically detailing what is happening in your body when you try a new med out. I know I go deeper into research than a lot of people might be able to go (I have training in medical terminology and nursing and I'm a research bloodhound), but I've found things validating all kinds of problems I've had on meds. I spent ten years on amitriptyline before I finally found research about how it impacts bladder long term. I was going in monthly checking for nonexistent UTIs and my doctor thought I was going hypochondriac and didn't know what to do with me. Many years later, a neurologist wants me back on it to control pain in my spine, and a psychiatrist said no way because it makes bipolar worse. This is why you need to put together a medical team. All the hands need to know what the other hands are doing at all times. People wonder why they're miserable on meds, doctors add more meds, sometimes people find new doctors and fail to tell them everything, they wind up with even more complications, and basically it turns into a game of how long can we keep twisting up this body until it croaks off. And then we blame doctors and pharma when it's really US expecting someone to fix our whining and complaining while we keep destroying ourselves with junk and sitting around too much. The kicker for my doctor is whether a med stops me from being more functional in some way, and not being able to exercise is a definite ohHELLno on his side effect list. I see way too many people in forums complaining that their doctors won't listen and change their meds, well, find your doctor's trigger. Simplify it down to what your doctor wants to see happening with you.
I understand it's a LOT of work to learn how your body works at a cellular level or take a nutrition class or do real meal planning and your own cooking, and it really is hard to get off soda pop and turn your tech off once in awhile (and stop drinking and smoking and whatever), but if you are sliding down this 'aging' thing and wondering by your 30s and 40s why celebrities look so good at 50 and you don't, you need to figure out your priorities and what you want as an older person. Me, I wanna be able to keep dressing myself and driving a car, and don't think you can skid right up to that brink and suddenly save it all at the last minute by changing all your bad habits later. I think I mentioned somewhere the hotel guest that cussed me out for looking younger than her, with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and she stormed off to sit by the pool. If looking in the mirror depresses you and other people looking healthier pisses you off, do something about it.
We can feel sorry for ourselves, or we can pay attention, but if you're not playing survival mode in this world, you'll get left behind sooner or later. This will always be my M.O.
"I think you're great, just fantastic." Free associating. Rhymes with drastic. I'm still in super focus goofball mode.
Apologies for all that, hope you guys have a good day, and here is a nice brain cleanser. Please notice the currently most powerfully influential people in the world all lined up in a row. (I'm not kidding. Look it up.)
Aaaaand my goats and ostriches are dead. This one is called a big golem and starts out like this.
Yeah, pretty innocuous looking. But.
Now I wanna run around and go find another one... I think the damage it does must repair itself like the creeper damage does on mo creatures. I was very surprised I didn't have to fix my fence and gardens and steps and replant trees and stuff.
Doctor messaged back yesterday, back to the original blood pressure med till I see him, yay! I think this is the second time I've tried cartia, first time a week in 2011, lasted 3 weeks this time. I know there's all this new research on my long time beta blocker not being ideal, but the reason I've been on it so long is because it's been so dependable for rhythm, even if I don't hit the intended pressure marks. I have relatives with pacemakers, trying to hold that off as long as possible. I've already had a rhythm correction surgery.
Again, anti-vaxxers, please note that heart rhythm problems through adulthood are a direct effect of untreated high fevers during bacterial and viral illnesses in childhood, like strep, measles, and lyme. I am your guinea pig example for what your kids could spend their lives with (if meningitis doesn't kill them first), so reconsider those vaccines, ok? I'm naturally born autism-spectrum. Vaccines didn't create aspienado, but NOT getting vaccines have caused decades of heart rhythm problems, along with many other autoimmune liabilities. Not everyone in the olden days lived to ripe old ages. Many died by their 30s and 40s of heart failure and other complications. That is why we have heart surgeons now, guys, because it's so stinkin' common in older people. Not all of it is sticky plaque from poor diets and smoking.
@bonenado and I cracking up this morning over whose plan is more viable, my govt player plan or his zombie escape plan. We each take our plans very seriously. I always go vote, not because I believe it counts or matters in an electoral college state, but so I'll have a spotless record as a good proletariat citizen who complies and stays under the radar. Well, I'm sure their bots crawl my blogs when key words come up, but my imaginary conspiracy awareness is probably more realistic than @bonenado's zombie defense system. We really have a zombie defense system. Yes, I live with a man who very seriously plans out zombie defense strategies in this house. You did read that right. I first mentioned it in 2012. I really wish he'd blog what's in his head, he'd have way more readers than I do.
I'm bouncing in an out of weirdness, like super flux on these meds, so I surged into power mode yesterday and made executive decisions about rearranging some things in my kitchen, especially my mobile office area. Let's see if it continues today.
Day 5 of cutting the beta blocker dose in half, and the most immediate thing I'm noticing is that I'm not heading for the benadryl, have actually nearly stopped taking it on top of the zyrtec. I've been told for years that beta blockers are bad to spike histamine levels, well, there you go. Hope ragweed season is easier later this year.
There is a fibro condition called costochondritis that I've lived with since the car accident, so pretty much my entire adult life. It is frequently mistaken for heart attack symptoms. I can't even begin to describe like it's like living with a condition like this while withdrawing down a blood pressure med, so I'll just go with sucktastic.
One of my target areas in physical therapy this week is the nerve centers and pathways from the base of my skull down past my left shoulder blade and across the upper front of my chest. Part of my symptoms stimulating that nerve area again is Lhermitte's sign (often associated with multiple scleroris, which I still scan negative for), documented by a surgeon a few years ago who refuses to even touch me with a needle full of any kind of relief because my medical history regarding adverse reactions is so long. The 'shock' really does feel like an electrical shock, it's very painful and makes you jump, and when it runs down the left side of your chest and arm during a costochondritis flare, it plays hell with anxiety and depression. I very seriously might never know if I am truly having a heart attack sometime in my life. I have been checked so often that I loathe to even think about another 6 hours of size 6 IV needle for CT scan, chest x-ray, EKG, tons of blood work, and if I'm lucky, MRI because other vague autoimmune related symptoms that also need to clear me for blood vessel problems in my brain, and if I'm really really lucky, something as stupid as a barium enema or vag ultrasound to check off possible referred pain. I don't get pain relief until that's all over, and by then I'm so worn out that it takes a couple of days just to recover from going into the ER.
So yesterday was fun. All that cute spiky pain across my chest, me very casually and gently working through all the stuff I've learned in therapy, and I actually got it under control.
I cannot repeat that enough for anyone out there looking for fibromyalgia of the chest wall validation and help in the dark of night. ASTYM therapy over 4 years and all the muscle stretches and nerve glides I have been taught actually worked to relieve costochondritis flare and Lhertmitte's sign.
If you are suffering with this kind of stuff, get a referral into physical therapy specifically for ASTYM and get to work on that. It taking 4 dedicated years was totally worth the 20+ years I've been living with this pain. As far as I know in my own area, I am the only patient who has stuck it out this long (physical therapy can be painful and the homework exercises can suck when you live with chronic fatigue and pain), and my therapists are excited about all the progress I've been making.
I'm actually sick to death of talking about pain stuff, so let's get back to minecraft. A couple of weeks ago I was trying to tunnel to 0,0 from the -8000s on MoCreatures and getting very wealthy doing it, ran into a new area with 3 villages really close together and took time out to set up protection and preservation protocols, like lighting and fencing, installing doors and planting the gardens. Once I did that I stocked up the store real good (/warp Rivyn111), and now I'm starting over with the 0,0 thing, except now I'm just running over land. I tried using my flying horse a couple of times, but I keep getting only so far and getting distracted because I'm a total minecraft sucker for every little thing, always have to stop and investigate, so I figure it's easier just running now. Oceans, jagged mountains, big patch of sunflowers, cities made of ice. I've survived all manner of attack so far, and during the night I just home back to my island to chop wood. I miss being able to teleport to coordinates, but at least I can 'home' and then 'back' when the sun rises instead of twiddling my thumbs trying not to get killed in multiplayer.
Also ran into another little village I'm taking time out to refurbish.
Yeah, you can see by the coordinates I still haven't gotten very far yet, lol. I'll get to 0,0, but the road trip and sight seeing are part of the fun.
Keeping an eye on #SnarkStock2016 this weekend, plus today is #Belmont, so I've got a full day. I'm also sketching out a work slot that I'm very excited about to come back to through the day in between multitasking, so if I'm not responding to whatever notifications, I'm probably deep in a timewarp.
When the dream turns into a musical of kids singing, it's time to get up.
Aaand that didn't last long. I've got a mutiny on my hands. In a minute we're all going back to bed. PT assessment apparently massively triggered stuffs, so I stirred a couple pills into my coffee. I'll start over again in a couple of hours.
This totally happened in the realm yesterday, stylin in his Air Jordans. Thought I'd get the shoes when I killed him, but noooo. Senseless killing for nothing.
I had made something cool (sorry, didn't get pix) and then ran around for awhile, thought this was an alien city from a distance. Turns out there's an ice spires biome.
Oh, what the heck. Have some eye candy. Still under construction. I don't go anywhere near it in survival mode because I draw creepers like flies. Creepers love dropping onto my head from behind me. Not my creation, that's all Kai's doing. The thing is huge.
Kinda facepalming over my Ben booty post rocketing into the top 5 in 5 days flat. I feel like a pimp. But my spaceship post nearly wiping out everything else makes me feel better, so I'm ok with naked Ben popping my eyes out every time the stats open up. It's 4 a.m., haven't had coffee yet, that sounds suspiciously porny. I'll let it off with a #Bencongruity warning. That's my new thing. (Never do a general search for 'goth spaceships', btw. +_+)
We're sweating it this week. Scott's boss called a meeting for next week and here we are right on the brink of asking a bank for a roof loan. We're crossing our fingers it's not a sale announcement now, since we've been teetering on that brink for going on two years. We're staying calm on the outside in an inner monologue what if kind of way, keeping our freaking out to ourselves so we don't have a double meltdown of freaking out and then me killing people. Metaphorically. Thank goodness #SnarkFF is starting back up for distraction. Yeah, I dropped to 5th place. @bonenado thinks I should let go of the Manning brothers. My mental struggle over this conflict of interests keeps my mind off other things.
Hey, we found the video camera! Well, Scott's mom found it buried in a closet at her house. It got left behind at Christmas and she put stuff away and Scott's brain slowly ate holes in itself trying to find it until he was nearly convinced Alzheimer's R Us now.
I was musing on my book title being not very unique since 'existential' seems to naturally come up in aspie/autie discussions anyway (which I wasn't aware of when I chose the title several years ago), but I ran into this gem on a hilariously inappropriate forum thread. I love it.
Q:DO AUTISTIC PEOPLE EVER EXPERIENCE EXISTENTIAL CRISES?
A:The eccentricity is a coping mechanism for the never ending existential terror they experience. You would think trains are bitchin' too if everything else in life was a spiraling black pit of meaninglessness.
I mean, perzackly. THAT. Because this has been my fave Calvin and Hobbes strip for over two decades.
My problem is the nonbeing part. Too many people assume we might feel relief upon release from this life, and my argument put very simply is that we cannot feel relief if we are not there to feel it. These and many other quandaries will be showing up in a book ridiculously overflowing with shocking personal experiences. I say shocking... Some of you will be dizzy by the end between feeling sick and embracing the warm fuzzy world hug.
Speaking of horrors, who knew that prehistoric Americans used ragweed ceremonially and medicinally??? O_O The pic clicks to more ragweed info.
So, existential incongruity. Oh, I'm going there, skipping gaily as a lamb through a slaughterhouse.
Wound up with a sweet memory over it, Pinky actually goes way back.
It's anyone's guess if I'll sleep tonight now since I've been bouncing up like a Tigger around 2 a.m. for days, and we'll have a Bunny around 6 again just like we did this morning.
This whole month has been amazing. I won't bore you with details, just feel awesome with me. You know you want to.
When the dream turns into a musical of kids singing, it's time to get up.
Aaand that didn't last long. I've got a mutiny on my hands. In a minute we're all going back to bed. PT assessment apparently massively triggered stuffs, so I stirred a couple pills into my coffee. I'll start over again in a couple of hours.
Well, Scott's mom found it buried in a closet at her house. It got left behind at Christmas and she put stuff away and Scott's brain slowly ate holes in itself trying to find it until he was nearly convinced Alzheimer's R Us now.
