it's all right

the description when you click is sad 😢

When this post elicited this response yesterday, I burst into tears because I knew someone actually heard me.

I've said before that sometimes my worst days are also my best days. This comment happened a few hours later.

There are days where family and friends don't know what to do with me, and I withdraw for all our sakes because my world is so black no one can handle me. Thank goodness for this distraction, which happened in the nick of time. Not sure if you can see it without a facebook account, although it is public.

I rarely reach a point where I'm listing possible names to grab on some kind of call or private messaging, but yesterday I was down to 3 names and ticking a list of what each person could probably handle on short notice without it actually killing a relationship and coming up empty handed. Having social media accounts on the internet was that little ledge I hung onto with one last claw.

Thank goodness time passes, but I wasn't released until I made it through the kind of long and detailed nightmare that spits a person out on Monday morning feeling really crabby. Thankfully, crabby is one of my salvation modes, and then there was coffee. And then I got busy and now I'm mostly ok.

#transparency My world doesn't feel ok. I'm pretty sure it's a virus and my nervous system is doing its best, but in my brain (nerve central) it feels like everything is so sad that I can barely make a plan, and I think I need to leave the house in 30 minutes for an appointment. I'm pretty sure my mood swings will be off the hook until this virus is over, and I very naturally fell into a writing rhythm dealing with it, like I have trained myself for years to do when I don't know what else to do.

On days like this, tears just stream down my face nonstop. Sometimes I don't even notice. I don't actually cry or weep, they just stream. When I think about it, I'm actually thankful because the nerve damage was bad enough for a couple of years not to be able to make tears at all in one eye. Tears are good.

I don't worry about what people think. No one asks, usually. I'm alone so much that there is no other outlet. People are busy and my stuff is overwhelming and transitory, and I know I can make it to another point in time where I feel better, because I have before.

All the same, I'm very tired, stuff looks and feels very hard, and I don't know if I can be good for people right now, so I'm winging it. I'm keeping it simple. I tell people around me to just tell me what to do and I do it. Tell me what time it has to be done, and I make sure it's done. I don't try to think beyond that. I trust that being told what to do and when it needs to be done by will be what I need to get through the day. Today I have several things to execute in a certain time order, and those are my stepping stones today.

This is the black side of autism spectrum egocentric narcissism in a spoonie body on a manic dip into a nonexistent abyss that feels really real. These are the moments where the word 'friends' doesn't save me, where my love for my family can barely shine a tiny light in a far off distance, and where I am the only one I can count on to save me.

God bless fans. This song has been saving me for so many years.


Time to run out our door.

sucking the poison out

That's right, fell into some lava, lost part of my cool suit. I looked like a glowy purple visitor from another planet.

Huddling over a cup of hot tea and a keyboard in between fevers, like you do. Old lappy runs very hot and felt good to my hands. Jawn is like ice.

"Diagnoses
Bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome
Ulnar nerve entrapment"
In one month flat I've gone from needing 3 surgeries fairly immediately on my hands and elbow to all clear, no surgeries recommended. I've worked very hard to get my arms and hands back. Continued PT is recommended to maintain and keep improving upper core and arm strength now. Upper core is what used to have me rebounding back into fail, so hopefully this little side jaunt into nerves from shoulders to fingertips will make that difference now.

Keep moving. Nearly two decades ago I was told I'm one of the lucky ones. I was told that while I watch others around me age and drop off, I'll outlast them because my pain gets so bad I cannot sit to death like so many do nowadays. Sitting too long and eating too much is basically what's killing us off now. #firstworldproblems

I've changed my mind, don't think this is true pinkeye. I've got all the symptoms of adenovirus, keeping my fingers crossed it's not strep. Bunny is doing that same thing, and while pollen.com says we're in peak season and the pollen counts are outrageously high, I usually don't get fevers over pollen. Two things I really like about minecraft- the trees don't affect my character and make me sick, and the rivers don't rise and flood anything when it rains a lot.

The surgery on the teeny little guy went very well.

Also recapping earlier adventures, I can imagine psyche guy watching this friendship redeveloping and seeing in living color now all the ways aspienado superglues to a friend. He's seen years of bereft and confused and sad, now he gets to see the joy. I think he is understandably concerned. He's interrogating me the way my dad should have before I married my first husband. Scott is the only other person who's gone through all the stuff with me, all the sadness of loss and fighting for autonomy and climbing through the jagged rocks and prickly thorns of self discovery. It's been a very long slow journey, but I've busted out and not looking back now.

#BrokenDragon

song of the broken dragon

What would you be willing to write if you thought it might save someone's life?

I got statcounter reinstalled on Pinky blog, and it seems to be working, yay. I need to money and calendar sync all my stuff in the morning before April goes off the rails. I've been ignoring everything last couple of weeks just to hold it together enough to drive. The amount of internet grunt work is piling up again (and Lexx fans suddenly showing up in groups here and there, including people who worked on set), and it's been all I can do lately just to tunnel through mines. This little guy was a surprise.

I don't know how I'm even sitting here. There is nothing I can take because I already have and I still feel terrible. I was hoping Friday would be a catching up day after days and days and days of running into town, but it's looking like @bonenado will be picking up his own supper if I don't start bouncing back by the afternoon. Maybe I'll get lucky and be able to get naps.

I had tweeted this earlier.

I think Steve got jealous.

Let's see, what can I wobble away with... Here we go. This is for all the gooey eyeballs out there. You're welcome.



Ok, one more. Then I've gotta go curl up and croak off somewhere.

hipster stat cats mucating on my blogger

click for FB covers

Skimming a user forum for quick info and crack up at the line "I've been tragically obsessed with my stats." The discussion is over facebook having their own internal search engine and whether their bots should be able to access links sent through inbox or private message. That's right, guys, I can see when you hit from private facebook messaging. (People who've seen the pre-Pinky me on facebook are cracking up, I'm sure. You can tighten all the privacy bolts you want on facebook, I'm sorry, it's not private.)

But don't worry! Any time you (my readers) are logged into facebook or google or AOL browser (or something similar), I only see your bot butlers grabbing thumbnail previews for you. All I see from facebook when it's private is Palo Alto or Menlo Park. So it's cool. Likewise, much of Google and AOL show up as Florida, anything coming through translate.google shows up as Mountain View, and I can easily see the way my Verizon bounces my phone around from state to state. Stuff like this goes on all the time. Feb 2, 2015 - "Some analysts expected Yahoo to fall in January as a result of Firefox users switching back to Google," Well, according to my blogger stats, Firefox is the top browser coming in on Pinky at a whopping 60%, and I know it's not me piddling on my blog because I don't have Firefox.

This one is actually called 'Psychedelic Hipster Cat'
it looks like acid porn cat to me
but who am I to argue

I was actually looking up viruses and flu shots. I probably should've told my doctor I thought I had a cold before I got one, but I had no fever and wanted to get it out of the way. Not sure what's affecting what, but that's a great way to add a little enthusiasm to a cold. My ears have exploded, my sinus feels torched, my tongue swears it wasn't out all night playing ninja (yes, my tongue actually hurts). I mean, thank goodness for throat spray, plus I had to double back up on the zyrtec just to control the weird zealous slime production on my mouth. Super gleek, at your service. When I talk I spit, and we know it's germ-laden, so if it hits you in the eye and your eyeball mutates, I'll be all Hey, there's no law against premeditated talking to someone. If they throw me in jail anyway, my first phone call will be "Jeanne, I love you, even though you f#@ked my wife." That quote comes just before a mimed television explosion, but right now that's me pouring coffee on a cold virus addled brain. Pretty sure there should be a hyphen in there. Cold virus-addled brain. Awkward.

That's kind of what happened to that love letter post yesterday. It started out all gooey and mushy but I'd been out to a natural foods store in Springfield

and crazy Walmart traffic in Ozark after that, all while sporting this junky cold on top of a flu shot, and once my ears exploded I realized I'm pretty sure I'm not entirely sane this week. (Kind of echo-y self assessment reverb there.) I have no idea why belly buttons, honest. You crazy nutters on the webs are messed up and totally distracted me and infested my love letter. I probably killed a few readers with that one.

Today. Plan. I need some semblance of a plan. Besides filling blogger up with mucated nonsense. That's my new word. Mutated + mucous = mucated. I bet MrShuggoth would like that. He's my fave slime on twitter. I have stuff out to make a pot of chili for @bonenado. He'll be thrilled, he's been stuck eating tuna last couple days. I stop cooking when my ears explode. I should probably continue with my excavation efforts. Burning down Hot Topic, burninating the countryside, whatever it takes. I get control back or there will be no Christmas.

Pavlov's obviously hipster cat- click for panel

And that's important because cute little ninja Batman looking for a punkin stuff is cute.

And cute little action Bunny blur insisting on helping is cute.

I am the first person on the webs to use the phrase 'scifi mirepoix'

Ah, that silly internet. I finally go check my email and wind up wondering what in the world could have possibly connected that page to my last year's Shorty Award nomination enough to get a google alert about it. It's a cute table, click this snip and go check it out. No, I'm not getting one. And no, it's not time for shorty awards for bloggers yet. I think there is an artificial intelligence behind this whole twilighty zone thing and it is taunting me. Or it could be the virus. I never did get a fever yet.

Been a slow day, never did go defcon 1 but I was wobbly and queasy enough to go back to bed most of the day. I tried getting up a couple of times because the dreams were too weird, finally wobbled up around 3 and started bumping into things around my kitchen and on the interwebs, and about the time I started feeling guilty for wasting a day NOT WORKING (seriously, I admonished myself and then argued back that I don't have to feel guilty for one little sick day, and look at me, here I am knitting my brain back into one piece anyway), I noticed Gary Graham still hasn't got his blog linked on his dotcom, so now I don't feel like such a slacker.

Dear Sumall- I already beta tested the new configuration stuff last year and I'm too swamped to keep up with learning more new stuffs. Thanx for offering me some more cool free services, but I'm up to my eyeballs in cool free services, so I'm gonna say no this time. I wish you all the best, and maybe I'll use you guys for some real stuff later on if I ever get this book done. Hugs and kisses.

I shouldn't have checked my email while I'm sick, felt like getting lost in the forest or something. I still have nightmares about missing college classes and being late to work at Sonic and that was two decades ago, my stress level over making and losing lists of accounts that have yearly fees can't go higher than it already is. I really need to get my mind off, sick days are horrible for sudden realizations that I've lost another list and need to make another new one. o-m-g In my head I'm staggering around wringing my hands, I can't even imagine being calm and sane right now. Fortunately I'm still way too queasy to jump up and start plowing through drawers and piles of papers. How much money is enough to get an assistant? I'm sure I'd have to offer benefits. No wonder chicken ladies go crazy and move into hen houses. Maybe I should've stayed in bed. In another 20 years I'll have nightmares about moving blogs and writing books and suddenly remembering fees are due on accounts I forgot I had. That's actually kind of cracking me up. My head gets extra weird when I have a virus. *oh*mygod do NOT put 'weird head virus' into a search. Just don't. (Well, it is kinda funny that Weird Al wound up in there...) Here, have something much more innocuous.

I'm just gonna say it- Kevin Sorbo has connected with me and Holly on LinkedIn. I'm pretty sure a couple of my connections started with me being a huge fan of my favorite scifi mirepoix of outspoken Hollywood conservatives (Ambassador Soval, Jayne Cobb, and Dylan Hunt), but who knows. It might be as random as that google alert sending me to buy an accent table or Kevin Smith hooking up on myspace. I don't question these things, I just believe in the interconnectedness of all things, like Dirk Gently. I can't believe I still haven't puked yet, maybe I'll get through this without having to. I don't know why I'm still typing.


:edit: 11-12-14
In the event of a real defcon emergency, here is where you check the internet for defcon level. Need more info? Going DEFCON 6: Not What You Think It Means. Here is the DEFCON Reference Chart. I hope y'all understood I was talking about puking. Don't quote me that we're under nuclear attack.