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Saturday, June 25, 2016

in which Jawn is held hostage between 2 beautiful browsers

I had to log off and shut Jawn down in the middle of writing this post. When I turned back on, I couldn't pull anything Google related up, not Chrome or Torch, not my G+ page or Youtube, nothing. I'm currently working through the Windows 10 Edge browser, which is fine, but since Microsoft and Google are playing Game of Webs, neither is mutually supportive of the other. I'm finding forums on this problem going back well over a year. At any rate, I couldn't even pull blogger up until I signed into Google through Edge, which technically means I'm signed in on 4 'devices' now- Chrome, Torch, my phone, and Edge. Just signing in again on my own laptop meant security checks galore, a frenzy of email alerts, and having to 2-step verify, so I feel like the time when James Cole accidentally changed the future and wound up having to get back into the lab through Deacon and Cassie-gone-WestVII, like geeeeeez louise, it's me. Same laptop, same house, same little dot on the map, and all guns pointed right at me. As Deacon would say- Respect.

I clearly exhibited today why I'll never to be able to achieve morphine addict status. Hats off to all you guys who think it's the bomb, but all it took was what the ER doctor called a 'baby dose' to set off wave after wave of acute deep musculoskeletal pain and the shakes. Basically, I'm so adapted to screaming high pain levels that it took nearly 20 minutes to even feel relief, and not because it was a 'baby dose', which was probably 5 mg, and I say that because the nurse said it was half a dose when she brought it in. (Morphine Injection)

I so very rarely go in for pain any more. I'm so tired of all the hoops that have to be jumped before I ever get any relief that it's usually just not worth it, but today was one of those days.

Ok, now I had to all-stop because Edge decided that NOW is the time to walk me through an intro like I've never used a browser before. It is now stuck in a loop trying to import my favorites from a broken Chrome. Serves it right.

Ok, where was I? Papa and Bunny are up at the pool, I'm in a nice quiet house with the last of the morphine sliding its way out of my system, and putting the day back together. -Oh, yeah.-

I've been through this before, but apparently my pain management needs adjusting. Just sitting here at the table, streak of lightning bolted through my chest that set off the adrenaline response from heck (not to be mistaken for hell, I've had much worse), that kicked off a sweet SVT that wouldn't slow down at all, so 10 minutes of that and I decided being 16 years past the radio ablation might not mean much any more and better safe than sorry. EMT could feel the pain waves in my pulse changes, no one could get a needle in until I arrived (5 blown veins, and pretty sure my bad after not hydrating well this week after all that deep muscle work in therapy- I know better), and all else being magnificent because I've been working so hard to get all ripped like Madonna, I only had to hang around for 4 hours before I got a small dose of morphine and then cried like a baby.

They used to give me 10 mg and then I'd get all hysterical and bossy when it was wearing off. The best is when I get cocktails, but I'm so loopy after that I'm just not safe even when I love everybody, because you never know when I'll walk right off a curb into oncoming traffic like an idiot. It's just easier on everyone if I tough it out most of the time, and I've gotten so used to stuffing it down that I fall apart when drugs pull the walls down and I have no resistance.

So when I say it was a long, rough week, what I really mean is I'm exploding inside with so much pain that all it takes to break me is 5 mg of morphine. After the first 20 minutes of super ultra hypersensitivity and awareness of every cell in my entire body, I'm finally spazzing on a beach on the other side of the galaxy and it's all cool.

omg, just getting this pic locked up #allthethings again
had to reboot
NOW I HAVE CHROME BACK
I owe it all to this man
ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX 2016
If everyone went through what I go through with injected pain meds, no one would ever use. It absolutely sucks being able to feel every millimeter of my entire skeleton, all the fibers attached to it all over, and all the veins and nerves and muscle fibers around them. SUCKS. Yes, you heard me right. I CAN FEEL MY SKELETON.

I can describe in detail everything attached to my skull, my sternum and ribs, every backbone, all the bony protrusions, and I especially love my shoulder blades, clavicle, and jaw. omg it sucks being able to feel all that so intimately. I don't even feel my skin when I'm in that mode. I don't feel my other senses, nothing else gets through, all I can feel are all those nerves screaming out the map of my body.

You'd think I'd want to be doped up all the time. You have no idea how terrifying it is to live with solid pain and suddenly it turns off. Completely. Like the year I suddenly couldn't feel my lips, tongue, throat, sinus, cheekbones... It wasn't just numb, it was *gone*. The nerves blanked out. I could still move just fine, and talk, but that one got me an MRI making sure I didn't have blood vessel inflammation in my brain during an autoimmune flare up, because yes, I was in autoimmune flare up.

Ok, way too yappy. I need to stop. Today was just about poor pain management and dehydration. I've exhausted lists of pills, I have to plan for 20 more years of liver maintenance, I can't just go back on a bunch of junk and expect to reach anywhere near 65 with grace and aplomb if it's not about making my health top priority. Pills burn you up. I'm living with a liver condition because a decade of meds will do that to you. I'm saving pills and cortisone shots for when I'm older, and I've gotta arrive there in as good a shape as possible if I want to make it longer on medical crutches. My people don't live to ripe old ages like @bonenado's people.

Wait, pain management. I was going to write this down so I'll remember it. When I follow up with my doctor I'm going to ask what he thinks about opiate bursts. Kinda like pred bursts, you don't stay on it, just do short term to get something under control. This week needed heftier pain management, and if I'd had a fall back (boldly says the noncompliant patient), I might not have wound up spiking into the ER right in the middle of a blood pressure med withdrawal. I'm wondering if a low dose ibuprofen/codeine burst for a couple of days might have changed this entire weekend. Maybe I could ask him if he'd let me have enough for, say, one week out of every month. Not a month's supply, not every day, because it's too easy to get addicted again, but a controlled count for one hard week a month. I already knew this week was pretty rough, and I've lived with this long enough to hoard back for days like that.

You know how many doctors over how many years tossed prescriptions out into the hallways hoping I'd chase them out the door? Not this doctor. And now I've got this whole team counting my pills, so I feel like I'm in a safer place now to actually ask for opiates. We'll see what the summer brings. I really don't want to go onto a daily regimen of something that he'll be pulling me back off of in 2 weeks and I'm back at square one. I've been a guinea pig way too many times.

This is what pain management problems look like for what a rheumatologist has labeled 'severe' in a med addict cleaned off meds. I just got my once a year baby morphine shot. Because I'm gonna be MADONNA.


Much of this post was finished up around watermelon, butter and jelly sandwiches, playing 'cherries' (HiHo CherryO), yogurt, playing ball with 3 different balls, and other massive stickiness, because coming home all sparkly clean from a long swim is just too good to be true.

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