in which Jawn is held hostage between 2 beautiful browsers

I had to log off and shut Jawn down in the middle of writing this post. When I turned back on, I couldn't pull anything Google related up, not Chrome or Torch, not my G+ page or Youtube, nothing. I'm currently working through the Windows 10 Edge browser, which is fine, but since Microsoft and Google are playing Game of Webs, neither is mutually supportive of the other. I'm finding forums on this problem going back well over a year. At any rate, I couldn't even pull blogger up until I signed into Google through Edge, which technically means I'm signed in on 4 'devices' now- Chrome, Torch, my phone, and Edge. Just signing in again on my own laptop meant security checks galore, a frenzy of email alerts, and having to 2-step verify, so I feel like the time when James Cole accidentally changed the future and wound up having to get back into the lab through Deacon and Cassie-gone-WestVII, like geeeeeez louise, it's me. Same laptop, same house, same little dot on the map, and all guns pointed right at me. As Deacon would say- Respect.

I clearly exhibited today why I'll never to be able to achieve morphine addict status. Hats off to all you guys who think it's the bomb, but all it took was what the ER doctor called a 'baby dose' to set off wave after wave of acute deep musculoskeletal pain and the shakes. Basically, I'm so adapted to screaming high pain levels that it took nearly 20 minutes to even feel relief, and not because it was a 'baby dose', which was probably 5 mg, and I say that because the nurse said it was half a dose when she brought it in. (Morphine Injection)

I so very rarely go in for pain any more. I'm so tired of all the hoops that have to be jumped before I ever get any relief that it's usually just not worth it, but today was one of those days.

Ok, now I had to all-stop because Edge decided that NOW is the time to walk me through an intro like I've never used a browser before. It is now stuck in a loop trying to import my favorites from a broken Chrome. Serves it right.

Ok, where was I? Papa and Bunny are up at the pool, I'm in a nice quiet house with the last of the morphine sliding its way out of my system, and putting the day back together. -Oh, yeah.-

I've been through this before, but apparently my pain management needs adjusting. Just sitting here at the table, streak of lightning bolted through my chest that set off the adrenaline response from heck (not to be mistaken for hell, I've had much worse), that kicked off a sweet SVT that wouldn't slow down at all, so 10 minutes of that and I decided being 16 years past the radio ablation might not mean much any more and better safe than sorry. EMT could feel the pain waves in my pulse changes, no one could get a needle in until I arrived (5 blown veins, and pretty sure my bad after not hydrating well this week after all that deep muscle work in therapy- I know better), and all else being magnificent because I've been working so hard to get all ripped like Madonna, I only had to hang around for 4 hours before I got a small dose of morphine and then cried like a baby.

They used to give me 10 mg and then I'd get all hysterical and bossy when it was wearing off. The best is when I get cocktails, but I'm so loopy after that I'm just not safe even when I love everybody, because you never know when I'll walk right off a curb into oncoming traffic like an idiot. It's just easier on everyone if I tough it out most of the time, and I've gotten so used to stuffing it down that I fall apart when drugs pull the walls down and I have no resistance.

So when I say it was a long, rough week, what I really mean is I'm exploding inside with so much pain that all it takes to break me is 5 mg of morphine. After the first 20 minutes of super ultra hypersensitivity and awareness of every cell in my entire body, I'm finally spazzing on a beach on the other side of the galaxy and it's all cool.

omg, just getting this pic locked up #allthethings again
had to reboot
NOW I HAVE CHROME BACK
I owe it all to this man
ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX 2016

If everyone went through what I go through with injected pain meds, no one would ever use. It absolutely sucks being able to feel every millimeter of my entire skeleton, all the fibers attached to it all over, and all the veins and nerves and muscle fibers around them. SUCKS. Yes, you heard me right. I CAN FEEL MY SKELETON.

I can describe in detail everything attached to my skull, my sternum and ribs, every backbone, all the bony protrusions, and I especially love my shoulder blades, clavicle, and jaw. omg it sucks being able to feel all that so intimately. I don't even feel my skin when I'm in that mode. I don't feel my other senses, nothing else gets through, all I can feel are all those nerves screaming out the map of my body.

You'd think I'd want to be doped up all the time. You have no idea how terrifying it is to live with solid pain and suddenly it turns off. Completely. Like the year I suddenly couldn't feel my lips, tongue, throat, sinus, cheekbones... It wasn't just numb, it was *gone*. The nerves blanked out. I could still move just fine, and talk, but that one got me an MRI making sure I didn't have blood vessel inflammation in my brain during an autoimmune flare up, because yes, I was in autoimmune flare up.

Ok, way too yappy. I need to stop. Today was just about poor pain management and dehydration. I've exhausted lists of pills, I have to plan for 20 more years of liver maintenance, I can't just go back on a bunch of junk and expect to reach anywhere near 65 with grace and aplomb if it's not about making my health top priority. Pills burn you up. I'm living with a liver condition because a decade of meds will do that to you. I'm saving pills and cortisone shots for when I'm older, and I've gotta arrive there in as good a shape as possible if I want to make it longer on medical crutches. My people don't live to ripe old ages like @bonenado's people.

Wait, pain management. I was going to write this down so I'll remember it. When I follow up with my doctor I'm going to ask what he thinks about opiate bursts. Kinda like pred bursts, you don't stay on it, just do short term to get something under control. This week needed heftier pain management, and if I'd had a fall back (boldly says the noncompliant patient), I might not have wound up spiking into the ER right in the middle of a blood pressure med withdrawal. I'm wondering if a low dose ibuprofen/codeine burst for a couple of days might have changed this entire weekend. Maybe I could ask him if he'd let me have enough for, say, one week out of every month. Not a month's supply, not every day, because it's too easy to get addicted again, but a controlled count for one hard week a month. I already knew this week was pretty rough, and I've lived with this long enough to hoard back for days like that.

You know how many doctors over how many years tossed prescriptions out into the hallways hoping I'd chase them out the door? Not this doctor. And now I've got this whole team counting my pills, so I feel like I'm in a safer place now to actually ask for opiates. We'll see what the summer brings. I really don't want to go onto a daily regimen of something that he'll be pulling me back off of in 2 weeks and I'm back at square one. I've been a guinea pig way too many times.

This is what pain management problems look like for what a rheumatologist has labeled 'severe' in a med addict cleaned off meds. I just got my once a year baby morphine shot. Because I'm gonna be MADONNA.


Much of this post was finished up around watermelon, butter and jelly sandwiches, playing 'cherries' (HiHo CherryO), yogurt, playing ball with 3 different balls, and other massive stickiness, because coming home all sparkly clean from a long swim is just too good to be true.

srsly can't wait for the brain chip now

click for more Windows 10 mashup memes

So far I'm loving Windows 10. It's like the hoitier toitier side of an amalgam hinting at what you wish whatever browser you use could be. It's what facebook wants to be when it grows up but can't seem to clean up its room in time for dinner. That's right, I just called facebook a bratty high schooler.

And then last night I synced my chrome on Windows 10. A hush fell over our house as an entire mountain of data organization in a closed sleeping senile lappy magically showed up in Jawn in a single eyeblink, and within seconds the pin it button on my taskbar even showed up. I didn't have to reload a pin it button.

This is what I've been talking about, the kind of world sync that makes everything easy. The big guys working together harmoniously to give us all smoother interface without jumping through a mllion hoops. Between MS login and Google login, I'm feeling all the luv and oh so thrilled Jawn came into my life.

By the way, I did NOT upgrade to Windows 10 on previously owned tech. I waited until I got new tech that already came with Windows 10. I've been hearing a few cries in the night over the upgrade thingy. I'm sure Microsoft is still ironing out bugs.

Some of you guys know when I came back out I talked about flying blind, learning ropes, finding my voice and stuff. I have trepidations sometimes, usually as a result of painting myself into my own corners, and then wind up in logic loops on how to go forward. I keep saying I need staff, I need a handler, I need feedback. Most of you really don't have a clue what I'm talking about, and that's ok. I'm mostly just flapping my fingers out loud sifting things out of my head so I can see directions I need to go.

I have gotten some very good advice from two different people this month.

1- Let it go.

2- Step back.

Done and done. Funny how that actually time synced with getting on minecraft and learning how to escape in /gamemode 3. I'm not longer psychologically self painted into a corner. I just go into /gamemode 3 and step back through the wall, and now I'm out in the wide open yard with the wide open sky and I didn't even mess up the paint.

Allegories and metaphors are lifesavers. So are people who know me well and are cool enough to point things out and say things. Bae totally gets the aspienado thing, and BFF totally gets the biting and will jump in and bite with me if it ever boils down, so my world is getting sweet again. I'm not just an angsty aspienado on a mission in Pinky sox any more. My focus is back, my compass is working again, and I'm looking forward to an enjoyable year. I'm not sure I've ever said that sentence in my entire adult life- I'm looking forward to an enjoyable year.

My endocrinologist told me Thursday he's not going to worry about a dose change until my TSH hits 2.5, but I told him if it hits 2 and the joint pain in my feet is getting worse, I'll be calling back for that dosage tweak. I know he thinks I'm trying to over control it, but I don't accept that people my age with all the problems I've got are supposed to not be able to stop the ravages of illness and time and just accept getting fatter and more crippled. Already been there. I have been completely immobile and disabled at way too early an age. I have come back from needing help getting in the shower and dressing and tying my shoes to buying my own groceries and carrying them into the house all by myself. I have come back from not being able to coherently read a paragraph in a book to writing complex paragraphs in movie reviews. This whole sitting around waiting for a number change while something gets worse again is unacceptable. I know from hard experience that by the time it hits 3 I get the whole headache achy joint thing, by 4 I'm useless, and since I lived in the 6 range for a couple of years, pretty sure I know my own body. Some people can do that, but a TSH at 6 during untreated undiagnosed diabetes was killing me. I spent my forties plunging into an abyss that could easily have been avoided with proper medical attention. I had the worst doctor on the planet throwing narcotics and benzos at me like candy while saying "I'm not going to worry about it until..." There's just no excuse for losing so many years of my life like that.

In the meantime, what my endo should have been saying is WOW, you are doing remarkable with a virus that is taking down my other patients for 3 weeks and 2 rounds of antibiotics for the related bacterial infections, how are you doing this??? Well, Doctor, I stopped shoveling carbs into my mouth assuming pills for diabetes would fix everything, as you seem not to have caught onto yourself. Seriously, guys, that was the biggest change in my life. Your bodies can't work properly if they are continually shoveling through incoming sludge slowing everything down, and the sludge itself is what's actually killing you. It's hard enough surviving with chronic illness in the first place, kinda silly to make it a Herculean effort.

Ok, get off the lectury rant. Ha, lectury is an Englishism. Nothing like devoting an entire blog to weird words. I admire people who obsess far more than I do. I totally get sign collectors.

That's right. Bae. Her. I found the words. The last 8 1/2 years are suddenly an eyeblink, and Pinky is giddy. The darkness finally falls away and my world becomes joyful again.



Time to move on. This is part of a wicked awesome video series and the song can be downloaded on itunes.

ignore plug-in

Don't know if you guys take the time to find out what's going on with MS updates, but this morning has been ridiculous, so I finally just looked it up.

Microsoft Security Bulletins For July 2015 - gHacks Tech News
July 2015 Patch Tuesday: Microsoft and Adobe attack Hacking Team zero-days

Meanwhile, how many people fall for these kinds of brain hacks?

My IE crashed at least 2+ years ago, and I haven't been able to update my Java or Adobe properly ever since. A security bulletin saying

MS15-077 is a patch for a vulnerability in the Adobe Type Manager Font Driver, which affects Windows Server 2003, Server 2008, Server 2012, Windows Vista, Windows 7, 8, 8.1, RT and RT 8.1. The Hacking Team detailed a proof-of-concept exploit using this vulnerability which Microsoft said would allow an attacker to install programs; view, change, or delete data; or create new accounts with full user rights.

only makes me laugh because I immediately think Oooohhhh, THAT'S why I keep discovering I have accounts like Conferize popping up saying "Claim your account". *cough*yeah, that's real scary*cough* I've claimed a number of spontaneous accounts last couple of years. Lappy is too crippled to update half the crap that comes in without wiping the hard drive first. Even setting back to default would be a mess because I'd lose a lot of stuff. Guess I'll keep discovering new accounts with my name on them.

I assume the problem with this is that automated account creations use our personal info to chain link ads into and then throw them into a crowd of other automated account creations, and basically bots are sitting in for me so I don't have to do all the work. I wonder if that's why there are so many fake twitter accounts, people neglect to update their software.

It's a 3 patch problem.


Whatever is going on, apparently youtube valiantly saves me from intrusion.

Since there is also a warning about remote users blahblahblah, which I've already noticed happening and I just punch the death button and kill lappy in mid sentence and choose 'start windows normally' later, I guess I'll just keep logging off and shutting down every time I leave the room. I learned a long time ago that odd little things happen when lappy sits around unattended, my first alert usually being a sudden surge in hard drive noise and overheating, so since we all share a vague ethernet, I just nip those little ghosts in the bud. I've caught a few zippy little howdys in the act by diving into user control menus to see what the hell, and basically I just assume at any given moment that someone or something will either bully in and force sharing or quietly peruse their way through the plethora of cookie dough churning out from my activity. We're all one big happy dysfunctional family.
But I'll say it again, just as a reminder, we all know I'm working on a crippled device with expired tech warranty and services, and if I disappear, it all probably crashed. Since I've only got half down on my new glasses, it could be awhile before I could replace my favorite little guy here, but I suppose I could drag myself over to @bonenado's desktop computer and disgustedly crank my way through his personalized settings.
Me (the blogger) and my laptop irl.