-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Wednesday, May 10, 2017

weighing progress against fail

click for instructions on how to use the fail whale

I've got facebook on my case threatening to make one of my pages invisible and Lex G showing up in my dreams wondering why I'm not working, and when the dream finally got to the telephone part (there's always a phone in these), it was a bunch of pay phones in groups in a park, but they'd all been dismantled and were out of service, with a sign about repairs and upgrades coming soon but no way to connect. Since I saw Dawn sprint by, I'm pretty sure that was twitter.

So my conscience is starting to really hammer at me now. Btw, thanx GeekAaron for taking the time to show up in my dream, as well, wasn't much but I think the point made in my brain is balancing family, hobbies, and work, and your family has been an exceptional role model for me.

Had a super fantastic visit with my psychologist yesterday, though, and it was the best I've felt physically since I met him, so I can't fault the progress I've made. I may be dropping the media balls, but I'm all over the court getting physically and psychologically healthier.

Also I'm dropping weight on this medrol pack, so I'm very happy. I'm back down to where I was at the start of 2017 before the big gabapentin mess, yay! Finally, that took months.

I've been meaning to ask- Anyone notice that I'm letting typos go? I've been letting those slip through since 2017 hit. I'm chill. I mean, I fix stuff, but I don't go back and quibble over with should have been which and stuff like that. Honestly, I see that as a good sign. I used to be so freakishly obsessive that I'd drop everything just to fix a typo from years ago, even if it meant springing back out of bed and booting the laptop back up.

I think Mo Creatures is helping that. I have laughed a few times in chat about being freakishly obsessive and in accumulation overload when people bring up how 'rich' I appear to be, and it really is the very picture of how I operate. If I were like this in real life, I'd be dx'd with severe OCD, but I always trained that into my writing instead of torturing people around me in my house. I know they'll go Well...., so yes, I'm still very bossy about wet towels and used dishes, but I back off on the rest. My house is NOT a museum, it's a fairly laid back sanctuary that visitors call the Nap House, so big win over OCD on that one. When I was more able, I was obsessed with deep cleaning on a weekly basis and would tear the house apart doing windows, rugs, and curtains once a month, stuff like that. I'm still pretty gung ho over laundry, but I've relaxed a lot over time so my poor body could focus on recovery, and it was important to train my brain to let go so my stress levels would go down.

I still want to do my writing. But. And this is important. This is the first time in so many years I have enjoyed playing. Just playing. I'm not pain free, but this is the closest I've come in so long that I can't even remember enjoying sitting in a chair for any length of time, and talking out loud about it still brings tears instantly because it's been so hard. I just don't talk about this stuff out loud.

But yeah, I do think maybe I should pay attention to this dream and revamp my priority list a bit or something. But right now I'm going to enjoy my coffee and run around my claims killing trolls and manticores. fam

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