-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

what is a clear conscience, anyway?

"May I open this door?" In the dream I froze. I glanced over at the locks and didn't understand why I couldn't see what I expected. Too late, he opened the passenger door and got into the car and held a homemade 'knife' to my face. I could draw that weapon to scale because I mind jumped to that between him opening the door and then him sitting next to me holding that to my face. There was no in between, so I didn't see him getting into the car. I briefly considered grabbing my purse and throwing myself out my own door but couldn't get anything on my body to move. Without warning I was awake and wondering how I got in my bed.

I have very brief 'visions' about abductions and murders and weird deaths all the time. They're not just realistic, they're real. It's like I'm experiencing in a hijacked body, and when I try to interact, we both get really confused. I don't realize it's not my body, and the other person doesn't understand why I'm interrupting their own experiences and thoughts. At any rate, I'll never forget that guy's voice, his face, the way he was dressed, his smell...

Some might say this is a result of TV or being obsessed about a friend's murder, and my response is I point blank don't watch stuff like that on TV (when I watch TV at all) and I don't like thinking about scary stuff so I just don't. I've had plenty of scary and sad in my life, and I don't need to invent more. I nearly dove straight into minecraft this morning but decided I need to deal with this.

I have only a handful of thoughts about that dream, the biggest one being thank goodness I woke up right away. There was no starting and driving the car, no struggling, fighting, or getting cut up, no crying out or terrified thoughts, just a few seconds of experience and then waking up. I think that guy was used to and expecting a different reaction though, because with me in there, the whole thing just froze up.

I have no idea where, when, who, nothing. I never get those things. What I do get are completely different things than I am used to in my own life. For instance, the car 'I' was in wasn't my car, and I was stumped why I couldn't just glance and see the door locks. All I'd have had to do was reach out with one hand and make one click to lock all the doors on my car. Also, her passenger window was down while she was sitting in a parking lot. I NEVER do that. Ever. My own instinct was to simply slide out of my car on my side before much could happen, but she froze, not understanding that simple thing and why it had to be done immediately, and next thing you know, that guy is IN the car with a very pointy blade against her lip. It was really a chipped razor taped with white tape onto a white flat piece of metal bar. Personally, that's laughable to me. I've skinned, gutted, and cut apart carcasses in a matter of minutes how many hundreds of times, so that tiny little point on my lip truly was laughable. But she froze solid and there was nothing I could do. Dream over.

I don't know what she looked like because I was in her. I know what he looked like in great detail because I'm so used to spontaneous 'experiences' out of the blue that I've learned to just pay attention. I can't sketch to save my life, and like I said, no indication at all of where I even was, certainly not by any building I've ever seen in real life. I've wondered a bit what is the point of having these 'visions' if nothing can be done on my end, because it really does seem pointless, but after years of it, I feel pretty comfortable with nothing more than being a witness of a sort. I have felt for years like none of us are ever truly alone, no matter how alone we seem. I don't think about angels or aliens any more, and I no longer wonder about remote viewing. I'm finding out this is kinda common and it's just that no one talks about it, at least not very openly. I started talking about these dreams to my psychologist and wound up in a sleep study and then on CPAP. My sleep score last night was pretty awesome, indicating that my OSAT was likely awesome, as well, so that right there rules out the oxygen deprivation thing being a reason for that kind of vivid dream, as well as the sleep study ruling out weird brain wave activity.

I've been writing down a few of these dreams off and on, and I'm thinking about compiling them. Some of them are a lot more detailed, a lot more upsetting and even gory, and my psychologist once said I could be the next Stephen King. I'm not sure I care about writing thrillers or framing stories around complex mysteries, but some of the things I dream are way more horrific than popular film.

I used to hide that I could do this (along with 'floating out' since I was a child, being able to leave my body to see something better up close) because I was terrified I'd be locked away in a room, but I clearly don't bring pertinent information to the table, and I don't think a stack of random details would be useful in any sense. One person I spoke with said I could be trained, and I'm like to what? right, because I get so distracted staring at mundane things like a bolt inside a tire or a bug on some grass. The only way I get anything human or 'real' is to just let it do what it wants, and suddenly I'm in places where ugly things happen in secret. During these experiences I usually don't feel anything more than perplexed or curious, and if I have an emotional response it's usually more from feeling perplexed than from anything I'm witnessing, even though I sometimes feel very upset or sick about it later after I wake up. I'm just glad it doesn't happen real often.

And that was today's writing prompt thingy. Now I can go on to minecraft with a clear conscience.

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