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Monday, December 5, 2016

last of 2016 30 day challenge- Day Five


Wake up at 2 a.m., drag into the kitchen wondering what to do, and the Lexx world is exploding with news, so I just spent an hour working- linking and sharing to #allthethings- without coffee. That's right, completely *forgot* about coffee.

I've been following several aspie/autie bloggers all fall, has been interesting watching them hacking paths through the same jungle of self discovery vs societal expectations that I've come through. A few of them are even my age, way more eloquent, and much more self aware. Seeing them gives me more context on myself and 'waking up' to self awareness. Mine was a much slower process, and happened so late, even after I made it through my diagnosis and later a disability hearing, it still took more years to process what that really means. I am a legit challenged survivor, and seeing the blogger noobs processing is showing me I'm one of the really lucky ones walking that line. The ones I'm watching were able see they needed to hide their stuff, pretend to play a social game, at least try to toe expected lines, and they're talking about how hard it was. Imagine not even knowing what all that stuff is or why you're being treated poorly by everyone around you. I was so lacking in self awareness that I couldn't see that all my oddizm glowed like neon, and I didn't have a single person to go to for any kind of solace. Because of my life experiences, I feel I have grown much more aware of differing points of view, having to work so hard trying to figure out why in the world people are like they are. I honestly didn't feel like I was meant to be human for a very long time, like I was an alien trying to pass off as human and not getting it.

Hanging on till I see my psychologist tomorrow. I've been counting down. Two different people who know me in real life have let me know over the weekend that I'm doing empathy wrong in convos that were 'just venting' and 'just worrying', so that's it, I'm holding everything down to simple sentences with short syllable words this month. Not even going to try to pretend to empathize the rest of 2016 because it's like I keep saying, I suck at it. If people wanna dump their venting and worrying on me, go for it. Just do it. I'll step aside and you can let it all out while I walk off and get a cup of tea or something, maybe offer an emoji cookie.

Advice to people who know oddizms in real life- if we're actually trying to communicate some kind of compassion, maybe just take it for what it is. Explaining what we're doing wrong instead of sharing what you actually need from us is you doing it wrong. While you're venting and worrying, please note I'm handling stuff, too, and I'm doing my best not to dump it on people. Two people actually noticed and got the subtext behind the remark I made elsewhere about donating my body to science. That is all.

I still have a very long month ahead of me. Maybe I should try getting a little more sleep.

2 comments:

  1. There is always a give and take. Relationships are fluid, living breathing things that create and recreate themselves as the people involved go about their separate journeys. You are perfect at being you and that is all you ever have to be. <3

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    1. I let that percolate through my head while I was in the shower. I don't think in my entire life anyone has ever said anything close to that to me. My life would have been so different if a thought like that had been allowed. I think the darker places of expectation pressure that both my parents came from must have been horrible. Reaching a place where I can step free from that is rewriting future history for my kids and their kids. It's mind blowing. Thank you so much for saying it in a way that's not cliched. <3 Today is the first day in my whole life that I am able to see some of my relationships as rigid, trapped in stasis. It's a very useful visual.

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