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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Monday, October 19, 2015

the long dark night of the Pinky

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Today will be long and hard and I don't apologize for anything. I'll keep it quick because I just need to write it down for my regular journaling, please don't awwww me, ok? NOT my first rodeo. Probably my 1500th rodeo.

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Z-Paks have been awesome for me because I have such a hard time with other antibiotics, but last few times have been a little rough. This weekend has bordered on 9-10 level pain suckage. I usually go through a 2-day herx and then spring back to life. This time I slid back down the hole somewhere during day 4, and now that I'm past day 5 and feeling even grosser, maybe time to stop the Z-Paks. It's got FDA heart rhythm and liver toxicity warnings, and I have a history of rhythm correction surgery and a dx'd liver condition (NASH, I do have damage, about an inch long) and I actually turned down a plea from a doctor years ago to check for autoimmune liver because CMV flared my liver up pretty viciously in 2008 for several months and the local liver flares since have been suckage to the max, so I just avoid anything and everything that can set it off.) (This means taking another extended break from my only pain med, bleah.)

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So right now I'm in a place where I seriously can't tell if I'm dealing with hepatic flexure inflammation or actual liver pain. I wanna curl up and die in a corner, but I know I hafta keep moving, and if this gets even barely worse I'll need to call in and maybe get blood tests to see if my liver enzymes are elevated. Crossing my phalanges it's 'just' 'abdominal discomfort', to put it euphemistically.

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On the bright side, my olfactory system is back to bloodhound status, my lizard eyeball is nearly over (halfway through another bottle of eye drops), and the napalm feeling in my head has ebbed away, thank goodness.

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If you're not hip to the chronic spoonie jive, that all probably looks kind of dire, but it's not. I'm very healthy for my age and all the crap I've lived through. It's just I'm living with a 'pain syndrome' which means I can feel every little thing in my body long before it becomes critical, and because of that, as one doctor has so blithely remarked, I'll probably outlive everyone. While other people manage to eat and drink themselves into much worse states of health long before they even feel sick with it (many people have no idea they're developing long-term liver conditions that ~can~ eventually kill them, it's very common), I'm croaking off over every little thing and getting healthier because it's so abysmally miserable to enjoy anything. However. I know two fairly young people who succumbed very quickly to sudden liver cancers, which are shockingly aggressive, and another person who was on a liver list for at least a year for hepatitis C, so you can imagine I take liver pain pretty seriously. If this doesn't start calming down through the day, now that Z-Pak dosing has been over for 24 hours, I'll be all over it.

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Anyway, this has been one of my face feels gray and powering through major suckage weekend, which makes me more 'hug all the people' and 'outa my way you idiot' kind of Jekyll and Hyde, so I may kind of keep to myself and keep ignoring some of you. Graphic zombie stuff really doesn't help me wrap my brain around dealing, so I'm closing my eyes while I work. Except when I look out the window to soak in how beautifully the autumn leaves are glowing with the sunrise behind them.


I've got this one on repeat while I work.

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