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Monday, June 29, 2015

love you just a little too much

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I've run across a few writer blogs with posts about how one handles more than one project at a time, and how that can refresh a person, etc blah blah. Then I talked to @bonenado about what if, and he indicated he'd really like to see my favorite super secret exciting scifi one get done. Plus I've got a group project for another scifi on indefinite hold, and notes for several more that venture into other genres. I still think this one needs to get done first, but if I wind up reclusing, I'll keep a rotation plan in mind.

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I have somewhat jested for years I need a handler. Nobody ever knows what I mean. I've already been through the torture, even if it was haphazard and mostly unintentional or subconscious. I've already trained myself to super focus. A person could even make a case for mild twinning and that's why I feel so lost all the time. All I know is that pulling all the splinters back together has been every bit as challenging as everything else I've ever gone through. Doing it on my own... well, let's just say that I didn't hear Scott walk in the door after a day out with mama and Bunny yesterday, and if he'd been any closer when I ran into him around a corner, I'd have been able to deck him into a wall. It was funny and we laughed, but PTSD is no joke, and the adrenaline that shot through me in nanoseconds made me feel kinda shaky for a few minutes. Even after all these years, I know if I snap I would be able to take someone out in a very nasty way. Spending so much time over the last several months crunching my stuff into a readable format is doing things to my head. Every little bit I step back with my head whirling, thinking that was real. So many things I never told my psychologist...

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Today I'm fleeing into Lexx. I'm sad that particular love is so neglected and I have several little projects there on hold, as well. I just need a break. Giggy is getting impatient about getting her character post. Not Ellen-Giggy, the Giggy in my head. I know people see me tweet with Ellen sometimes, but like I've said before somewhere buried in all my posting, Mark Hamill doesn't exist in a galaxy long ago and far, far away. By the way, when Ellen let go of the @giggerota handle on twitter, I grabbed it so someone couldn't turn it into something smutty. Really get tired of parody accounts that ruin the character. If Ellen ever wants it back, it's hers. Until then, it's just going to sit there ignoring troll bait.

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I woke up with this song in my head. I think it really bothered me that I was so ready to hurt Scott yesterday before I realized it was him. I've been so very lucky having him for a best friend. His patience with me surpasses anyone I've met, and we laugh a lot. You guys who've seen Sherlock, you realize John is his handler, right, because Mycroft can't control him. Irene butting in was a mess. She was trying to break from her own handler (Moriarty) who had her handling a whole ring of powerful people. Everything you see around you, when you open your eyes, is a heirarchy of handlers, like a tupperware sales pyramid. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for the majority of us regular people, but too many cooks around a pot messes up the meal. Irene messed Sherlock up. Then when John got married, Sherlock lost his handler and went off in a very dangerous direction, which has left us hanging for s4, because the sociopath finally did become a murderer, even if it was to protect his best friend/handler. People who don't know what it's like not being able to have/keep friends might not be able to realize how deep that kind of relationship can go emotionally, and how easily a person like that can step over a very big line. Or maybe they can. Maybe that's why the world loves Sherlock.


Afterthought- It's funny no one ever brings up John being a sociopath/murderer, as well. I have deep respect for John. You people thinking I'm crushing on Sherlock probably completely miss the whole John thing in my Sherlock posts. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you already see what Sherlock sees in John.

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