That place I love in my head might be coming back. Hard to tell on all this zyrtec. Trying to back off the meds again, finally broke down and took a pain pill tonight. The pain sucks, but flirting around the edge of another possible euphoria holds a sweet enough promise of not having to feel it once the brain chemicals kick up another notch or two. (Coming back up to this after rereading- this is me on a potent NSAID. Have fun.)
|Click this for beautiful ocean photography.|
My head's been a little twisted up lately anyway. The dreams have been pretty awesome, but the nightmares are a little too sickening. My worst nightmare this last week was about people who had skinned dogs and decided to make zombie dogs out of the skins, so they wrapped the skins around raw meat, and the dogs became undead. They could blink their eyes, but instead of eyes there was only raw meat showing through where the eyes should have been. Someone in my nightmare was telling me that this is the way of the world now, get used to it, and I said it doesn't mean anything, because you just made it up. I walked into another room to hang up a pair of khakis (I haven't touched a pair of khakis since I worked in retail, probably symbolic) and the room went dark (as I typed that, one of the light bulbs in my kitchen went out for a few seconds and came back on, I create poltergeist activity, I'm tellin ya) (kidding, it's probably a loose connection, does it every little bit) (although my kids would attest to the weirdness in this house, especially the morning a different light bulb exploded and showered glass dust into our cereal bowls), and I was suddenly swooped up and pressed hard against the ceiling. (I avoid those kinds of movies and books like the plague, so I have no idea where that came from.) It felt so real, could feel my back pressed really hard against the ceiling while gravity was trying to pull me back down, and the pants were dangling from my hands like gravity would have done. I was terrified. I tried calling out for help, but it was really hard, like I couldn't make my voice work, so I had to yell as hard as I could.
Then the coolest weirdest thing ever happened. Scott touched my shoulder to wake me up, and I simultaneously felt trapped against the ceiling facing the floor AND laying in bed on my right side. I will never forget feeling two different gravity orientations at the same time, each one felt as real as the other. I've had gravity changes in dreams before since I was a kid, this trumped all of them for experience.
|This clicks to a game app|
When I was a kid I played games with my mind, practiced trying to break it apart so I could play chess against myself. Later, I hated high school so badly that I practiced believing that I was seeing the world differently, like the hallways were sloped up on the sides and the middle was the low point, as if the hallway were a creek or culvert or something. I succeeded, felt compelled to hug the walls as I walked so I wouldn't slip or slide down into the middle. I was able to see pink walls, curved surfaces, and aliens all around me as if it were all real. I got so good at it that I scared myself. (I'm a synesthete with prosopagnosia and a natural visual processor thanks to the Asperger's, which makes layering fiction over reality very easy for me, probably much like a caricature artist, only I'm really badass at it, I can do awesome things in my head. I'm not sure if it should be alarming that I've been self hypnotizing since I was a kid. I mean, what if I got stuck that way?) But once I got tired of it, reality snapped back into place and I turned to different games. An MMPI in college and a psychologist in middle age have both confirmed I'm not crazy, just a fantastically bored angry person with mild narcissistic and exhibitionist tendencies, which probably means I'm more prone to argue and resist and demand reasons than most people, and if I'm not impressed or mesmerized with what someone else is saying to me I'll just walk off.
The more I write in private on the book, the more I come out with truth or dare stuff in my blog. I've noticed the traffic goes up when I do that. I bet there's so much in some of your heads that you've never dared tell anyone. It's intoxicating and terrifying to write it all out into a book and think that one day everyone I know in real life will be able to read it and I won't be able to take any of it back and hide it. Secretsssssssss...... What has it got in its pocketses...
|This clicks to a beautifully awesome website devoted to Mordor|
Last night I dreamed I tried a new cigarette, very skinny and twice the length of the old cigarettes, all the new rage. They made slims look fat. It was nasty. I used to be in love with Camel Lights and still fondly remember how lovely a whiff of secondhand smoke used to smell to me (it's been 25 years since I quit smoking 3 packs a day), but what I smoked in my dream last night was so abominable that I couldn't see why in the world anyone would think that was cool. I never liked menthols and herbs, either. I can't wait to see if the cigarettes I dreamed come true, very fragile and pricey. Hey, I dreamed a cool dream at least 18-20 years ago (my kiddo was in middle school around then) about kiosks in malls that allowed you to design your own watches and shoes and then bring them back and recycle them into new ones a week later, and never got it written into a story. In my dream, I swear and kid you not, it was weird moldable generic clay, and I was frustrated that the kiosks had combinable preselected choices instead of letting me build my own vision from all possible choices. You could try a pair of shoes out on loan for a week and then they'd revert to blocks around your feet that you had to go back in and pay to have taken off if you hadn't decided to pay for them by then (I think I even dreamed automatic electronic payment via a little thingy attached to the shoes) and people were all the time forgetting to make their payments, and 'block' shoes became a funny new thing. Check this out. That foot scanner looks like part of the kiosk I dreamed.
|Click to see them on twitter.|
I know there are other people like me all over the world, who can mash what they see and hear up into cool new stuff. I find them, lurk over them in the dark, love them for sharing. Might be using this playlist for work music while I'm toying with the edge of euphoria again. The true test is if I stop eating and sleeping, but I think the extra zyrtec is controlling it enough so far to avoid going over the edge. Except I'm trying to lower the zyrtec dose again...