last of 2016 30 day challenge- Day Two

It's been over a year since I've done one of these.

Part of my 30 day challenge is to reach a place where some things in the way are out of the way enough to get a much bigger idea written out. Several, actually, but I've got one trying to come out and I need to be a little more organized when it does so I don't lose it all in bits and pieces like I do everything else. Since Christmas and New Year's will be a monumental and continual disruption interrupting my life, best to redirect so I don't have frustrations erupting, and whatever other uptionings there could possibly be. I'm kind of winging it, but things keep getting done. I feel like I should report in, though, but I don't feel like saying "I cleaned my house."

World of Spin
I'm trying out new wallpaper. I'm also playing with the table auto expanding. click for wallpaper Original art from pinterest
Or maybe you don't know what that means. The closest feeling I can find that mimics for other people what I feel for fractals in my head is stuff like this. Like the lyrics, we don't quite know what it all means. If you could see the music as colors, and the timed visuals as an artistic representation of the feelings inside someone else (not as characters or a story), you would be close to what a synesthete might feel in a euphoric state. My synesthesia seems to be much less literal and more orientation based than a lot of what I'm finding described on the interwebs, but when I'm like this, I see wonders I can't begin to describe. :edit: Since the word "orientation" is quickly coming to mean something much different now than what I intend, I need to let you know that I'm using it in the classical sense, spatial orientation, not sexual, although I do admit this probably sure looks like it. Perhaps, I'm subtexting, but again, if I could share what the music part does in my brain, you'd forget the rest and want to soak it in like a drug. Autism sensory issues have been compared by some to psychedelic drug trips without the drugs, and I can hit nirvana pretty quickly with this vid, for whatever reason. Once there, all thought of 'me' vanishes, and I'm just moving through the colors.
Just drifting past, by, in, out. Many years ago I wrote this poem when I was in a mood just like this one. EQUATIONAL ELAPSE I suffer a brooding earnestness to coalesce--      what is life in a world of spin? I feel an awkward compelling to merge. I glide and collide through denseness and time--      what is purpose in a world of spin? I want and have not where I am when. I see vastness, smallness, matter of mirrors--      what is hope in a world of spin? I know up is across is inverted is naught. I dream my own patterns and cleave to ideas--      what is joy in a world of spin? I will die ere the story reveals me.
I see stuff like this when I 'go deep'. I saw stuff like this long before fractals appeared in artwork, or even mathematics. I have been making stuff like this in my head since I was a child. I don't know how to make it to show to other people like some more artistic people do, or how to find a way to describe it like mathy people do, but I do know it means something. This is a detailed (be it real or imaginary) map of multi coordinates. I see colors as places, and where they are placed in relation to other colors as whens. They don't all reside inside what we think of as a universe. Someone studying synesthesia might take what I just said very literally and point out that's exactly what it really is, colors placed in specific locations in a time order, but since I can't show them how I can move in and out of it, I can only say Sure, whatever. If music can evoke a feeling of nostalgia, a pattern of colors can surely evoke a meaningful journey to a place. It's very hard to describe color being something other than an actual visual to people who use visuals as part of the description process. To me, this artwork is communication, the same way a road map is. If we were some other type of being and not humans, this might be a logical way to express instructions.
I first recognized this weird visualizing was a real thing outside myself while sitting in a theater. This could seem very stupid to someone who's never experienced a thrilling leap of recognition in any kind of symbolism. The lights had gone down, the ads were over, the screen was dark, and then a new rendition of the Wehrenberg Theaters bumper theme started up and I froze. It's the 1980s version with the jewels, you only get a couple seconds of it in that vid link. The view panned around and over and through the animation and *felt* BIG, with the jewels spinning and choreographed into what almost seemed like a flight pattern to alight onto the crown. That was the first time I could see anything close to how I could manipulate visuals inside my head actually going on outside of my head, and it was important because they were geometric shapes and colors, not symbolizing anything else at all. The screen was big enough to immerse me into the animation the same way I could go into the stuff I could see in my head. A few years later, the science of chaos emerged into the general population and fractals seized the imaginations of artists around the world. A few years after that, it went digital, and now anyone can create fractal art, and even choreograph it and set it to music. Trying to explain to anyone that I could do much more than simple fractal zooms in my mind at the age of 12 is useless. My psychologist asked me once what it was like, and that was about the only time in years I stuttered and went hopelessly silent in his office. If I could press my head up to someone else's and file share, I'd do that without hesitation. Or throw a thought like we can throw stuff from devices to other screens now.

My very first tracker embed code was named World of Spin. It still works, and the map is still active. The most recent hit from the time of this snip is from Wisconsin Dec 1 2016 11:48:56 pm The time is off because it didn't reset for daylight savings, that should be an hour earlier. I could tell you the page that got viewed on another blog, but I don't want to spook anybody.

That's right, I'm not sleeping. I'm usually sleeping by now. It's probably cheating if I call this Day Two and post it before midnight, but I might do that anyway.

lappy is My Precious

I wrote this last night before I went to bed and saved it as a draft. If I could wear an opium patch I'd probably just sit here writing millions of words and have ten books out by now.

That place I love in my head might be coming back. Hard to tell on all this zyrtec. Trying to back off the meds again, finally broke down and took a pain pill tonight. The pain sucks, but flirting around the edge of another possible euphoria holds a sweet enough promise of not having to feel it once the brain chemicals kick up another notch or two. (Coming back up to this after rereading- this is me on a potent NSAID. Have fun.)

Click this for beautiful ocean photography.

My head's been a little twisted up lately anyway. The dreams have been pretty awesome, but the nightmares are a little too sickening. My worst nightmare this last week was about people who had skinned dogs and decided to make zombie dogs out of the skins, so they wrapped the skins around raw meat, and the dogs became undead. They could blink their eyes, but instead of eyes there was only raw meat showing through where the eyes should have been. Someone in my nightmare was telling me that this is the way of the world now, get used to it, and I said it doesn't mean anything, because you just made it up. I walked into another room to hang up a pair of khakis (I haven't touched a pair of khakis since I worked in retail, probably symbolic) and the room went dark (as I typed that, one of the light bulbs in my kitchen went out for a few seconds and came back on, I create poltergeist activity, I'm tellin ya) (kidding, it's probably a loose connection, does it every little bit) (although my kids would attest to the weirdness in this house, especially the morning a different light bulb exploded and showered glass dust into our cereal bowls), and I was suddenly swooped up and pressed hard against the ceiling. (I avoid those kinds of movies and books like the plague, so I have no idea where that came from.) It felt so real, could feel my back pressed really hard against the ceiling while gravity was trying to pull me back down, and the pants were dangling from my hands like gravity would have done. I was terrified. I tried calling out for help, but it was really hard, like I couldn't make my voice work, so I had to yell as hard as I could.

Then the coolest weirdest thing ever happened. Scott touched my shoulder to wake me up, and I simultaneously felt trapped against the ceiling facing the floor AND laying in bed on my right side. I will never forget feeling two different gravity orientations at the same time, each one felt as real as the other. I've had gravity changes in dreams before since I was a kid, this trumped all of them for experience.

This clicks to a game app

When I was a kid I played games with my mind, practiced trying to break it apart so I could play chess against myself. Later, I hated high school so badly that I practiced believing that I was seeing the world differently, like the hallways were sloped up on the sides and the middle was the low point, as if the hallway were a creek or culvert or something. I succeeded, felt compelled to hug the walls as I walked so I wouldn't slip or slide down into the middle. I was able to see pink walls, curved surfaces, and aliens all around me as if it were all real. I got so good at it that I scared myself. (I'm a synesthete with prosopagnosia and a natural visual processor thanks to the Asperger's, which makes layering fiction over reality very easy for me, probably much like a caricature artist, only I'm really badass at it, I can do awesome things in my head. I'm not sure if it should be alarming that I've been self hypnotizing since I was a kid. I mean, what if I got stuck that way?) But once I got tired of it, reality snapped back into place and I turned to different games. An MMPI in college and a psychologist in middle age have both confirmed I'm not crazy, just a fantastically bored angry person with mild narcissistic and exhibitionist tendencies, which probably means I'm more prone to argue and resist and demand reasons than most people, and if I'm not impressed or mesmerized with what someone else is saying to me I'll just walk off.

The more I write in private on the book, the more I come out with truth or dare stuff in my blog. I've noticed the traffic goes up when I do that. I bet there's so much in some of your heads that you've never dared tell anyone. It's intoxicating and terrifying to write it all out into a book and think that one day everyone I know in real life will be able to read it and I won't be able to take any of it back and hide it. Secretsssssssss...... What has it got in its pocketses...

This clicks to a beautifully awesome website devoted to Mordor

Last night I dreamed I tried a new cigarette, very skinny and twice the length of the old cigarettes, all the new rage. They made slims look fat. It was nasty. I used to be in love with Camel Lights and still fondly remember how lovely a whiff of secondhand smoke used to smell to me (it's been 25 years since I quit smoking 3 packs a day), but what I smoked in my dream last night was so abominable that I couldn't see why in the world anyone would think that was cool. I never liked menthols and herbs, either. I can't wait to see if the cigarettes I dreamed come true, very fragile and pricey. Hey, I dreamed a cool dream at least 18-20 years ago (my kiddo was in middle school around then) about kiosks in malls that allowed you to design your own watches and shoes and then bring them back and recycle them into new ones a week later, and never got it written into a story. In my dream, I swear and kid you not, it was weird moldable generic clay, and I was frustrated that the kiosks had combinable preselected choices instead of letting me build my own vision from all possible choices. You could try a pair of shoes out on loan for a week and then they'd revert to blocks around your feet that you had to go back in and pay to have taken off if you hadn't decided to pay for them by then (I think I even dreamed automatic electronic payment via a little thingy attached to the shoes) and people were all the time forgetting to make their payments, and 'block' shoes became a funny new thing. Check this out. That foot scanner looks like part of the kiosk I dreamed.

Click to see them on twitter.

I know there are other people like me all over the world, who can mash what they see and hear up into cool new stuff. I find them, lurk over them in the dark, love them for sharing. Might be using this playlist for work music while I'm toying with the edge of euphoria again. The true test is if I stop eating and sleeping, but I think the extra zyrtec is controlling it enough so far to avoid going over the edge. Except I'm trying to lower the zyrtec dose again...

I like it weird

But nobody knows what 'it' is.

Click the pic if you need to take an oreo plunge.

Did you guys know about this?

One thing I generally don't talk about is what it's like being an asexual aspie synesthete, a topic that draws no end (literally, bcuz aspie) of passive aggressive discussion as people compare notes, although no one else seems to have ever quite rounded it up in that particular phrase before. I don't think being weird is a contest, and y'all still talking about colors=sounds stuff come off like you're in kindergarten. Existential Aspie is gonna make it realz.

So, it's time for me to GET BACK TO WORK! >=l Hope you all have an awesome day.