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Ever since 2009, the first week in October has been like walking through scars and I pretty much just shut down, steering clear with avoidance maneuvers and staying focused on distraction. Last year was the first time I tackled it head on, so it took 6 years to process, part of the delayed response disorder I brought up in looking outward when looking inward backfires this week on another blog.
One of the toughest parts of looking back is having to pick through all the things going on with other people around me while I was going through that week, and even the next 6 weeks. I've been very careful not to be blunt and cruel in public, but today I'm going there in a bullet point list. Again, just had a disability hearing that devastated me and my mom died. I think, after 7 years, I'm allowed to share.
- My phone died and it wasn't priority to get it replaced even though I was dpoa and hospice was calling the family in.
- My stepkid incessantly whined about a flu shot to the point where me mentioning it on my own disability week got me hung up on by her dad.
- My mother-in-law was put off that Scott decided to drive me out to my mother's bedside while she was dying because I was disabled and couldn't drive that far.
- While I was under pressure to get out to my mom's nursing home and having to stop to get a new phone, Scott's mom kept constantly texting and calling him from the road about football and the trip and too bad he was missing it and football.
- My stepkid called and fretted about whether to drive down for the funeral with a new boyfriend in tow that we hadn't even met yet, and what should she wear after turning down going to holidays with my family for years.
- An hour after that call, I was dealing with my dad having a meltdown all over a funeral home employee about paperwork.
- I forgot to take something nice to wear to my own mother's funeral because I couldn't even think that far ahead through so much pain and stress, and no one was helping me think. I wore a Halloween t-shirt to my mother's funeral. (Yeah, the most omg morbidly hilarious facepalm ever...)
- Scott's mom couldn't stop telling me Scott missed a great game, and she got the cutest pic of herself standing with the cheerleaders. (It really is cute.) (I also have a pic of my mom a few hours before she died from the same day.) (Stuff like that really messes with a person's head.)
- Later during the memorial service she couldn't stop texting him the scores during another game, and he had to silence his phone. Yes, she knew we had driven back out to a memorial service.
- I picked up strep at the memorial service.
- After I got a little insurance money from Mom dying, I replaced my fridge and stove, and then gave my old fridge to my mother-in-law because she was too tight with her money to ever buy herself a new fridge (but she drove up to MN to see the Vikes play), even though they have lived for 'free' on retired veteran government money for years and their place is paid off and they can afford to keep cosigning loans for other people getting cars and stuff.
- A couple of weeks after that, I used the rest of my mom's insurance money to pay a fine from the conservation department because Scott's stepdad set him up to take the fall for something he knew people were upset with him over during hunting season, and then he made a big deal all over creation about someone calling and reporting him.
- Scott's mom called me up and super crabbed at me about taking sides and I had to remind her I was taking her son's side... oh, yeah. So she hung up on me. I didn't tell her I used my mom's death money to pay that fine.
And those are just the highlights. Aspienado blogged the entire thing. It's all there.
I'm still working on the funny side of it all. It actually is funny from certain points of view when I can find the right words to use.
And so we continue...
I will never, ever apologize for hurting anyone's feelings in a blog after going through all that.
