f(x) where x = "reflection John"

So we're inside Sherlock's mind palace, not just watching him watch himself, but watching him watching himself ignore his own reflection in a mind palace mirror. I could go deeper, but I'm not sure you're ready for that.

But who cares, here we go, I'm diving in and you'd better close your eyes if you don't want spoilers.

One of the complexities is the symbolism of Moriarty not having a hole in his head in the mirror reflection that Sherlock is ignoring in his mind palace, yet obviously having one later, which he shows to Sherlock once they've moved away from the mirror. Why is this deception necessary? What is Sherlock trying not to see, and then later trying to tell himself?

Let's dive into metaphors. Sherlock wants to see how Moriarty did it, so he works on solving an older similar case, but in his mind palace, he can't see the obvious because, as Moriarty points out, it's not real. Remember how Sherlock told John it wasn't real on the rooftop, just a magic trick? Except now Sherlock is telling himself in his head through a character that it isn't real because it's in his head...

But let's back up for a few seconds. Metaphor and symbolism are both as real to the brain (and to both the writer and the viewing audience) as 'reality', whatever that is- a definable actuality, let's call it. We still don't have a definable moratorium on Moriarty (god, I love words) as far as definable actuality is concerned, but we do have a grasp on Sherlock's reflection of John in his mind palace, with Sherlock recognizing that John is a reflection and fondly embracing that John's reflection is the core conversationalist he needs in order to let go of his house of mirrors and leap out of his mind palace back into definable actuality.

A mind thinking thoughts is definable actuality, if we want to get technical (thought is a form of reality, if you're lost already), and a stream of consciousness, no matter how twisted, is part of all our paths. Consciousness inside one's mind is just as viable as consciousness outside one's mind while one is experiencing it, is it not? We vaguely define what is 'real' or not, but what was very real to Sherlock was that his own perception of the outside of him (definable actuality) was deeply layered in his own perception of the inside of him (in his mind), and his approach to problem solving depended on layering his perceptions to reveal truths. Some of the truths turn out to be things he doesn't want to know about himself or admit to himself, but I'm jumping the gun.

Just as Sherlock and Moriarty moved away from the mirror in the mind palace, Moriarty said the truth was boring, just wonderfully done symbolism, in Sherlock's mind palace. He's playing out his own symbolism of hiding truth from himself. Since Moriarty is a character in Sherlock's mind, Sherlock is the author of what Moriarty is saying, basically Sherlock telling himself that truth is boring and that's not why he's in his mind palace. We know Moriarty was bored before he shot himself in definable actuality and used Sherlock as part of his morbid mind game, and we know Sherlock was bored, too, because he said so. Two very bored souls found each other on a rooftop, made a pact, and Sherlock psychologically internalized what was essentially a marriage vow in hell. "You want me to shake hands with you in hell? I shall not disappoint you." And then Moriarty shot himself, and you could go into the whole blood brother suicide pact (and even Romeo and Juliette) thing. Don't fear the reaper, per se.

pic clicks to a pretty good, albeit very lengthy recap and analysis
"The Reichenbach Explanation"

It's not much of a leap to realize Sherlock's mind IS hell, and that the leap in his mind off the painting of the Reichenbach Falls away from both hell and reflection John was an emotional reset after the way he left definable actuality John the first time with a real leap.

MY question is- Was Sherlock high when he met Moriarty on the rooftop? The question is starting to come up between Mycroft and John in The Abominable Bride whether Sherlock uses every time he goes deep into his mind palace, since Sherlock hinted that's how he problem-solves. Sherlock is quite used to morgues and corpses and body parts, but was Moriarty right? Was Sherlock a suicide witness virgin? Was it Sherlock's first time to witness the transition from life to death right in front of him? To go from the gripping handshake to witnessing violent death while still holding hands? Because that is quite the pact. And if that's what it was, Moriarty stole Sherlock's innocence, consummating their deal.

No wonder Sherlock is still so obsessed with Moriarty. It's not just about how Moriarty did it, whether the body really disappeared, or even whether he's still alive. It's about how Sherlock made this 'marriage' with Moriarty minutes before he broke John's heart, and then abandoned John to two years of the blackest grief imaginable, straight from a pact in hell to abandoning his best friend to go root out the last of Moriarty's network. For Sherlock to succeed, of course he had to cut his feelings off, but we all saw the tear fall down his cheek on the rooftop as he said goodbye over the phone, we all know he knew the pain he'd be causing, and we can imagine reflection John showing up in his mind palace during those two years working for MI6. Who knows how many countless convos Sherlock had with reflection John all that time. Poor definable actuality John has no idea how strong this bond is for Sherlock when they are saying goodbye before Sherlock gets on the jet, because most of their friendship has gone on in Sherlock's head.

Sherlock chooses to become so cut off from his emotions to focus on crime solving that it takes getting high to process and feel them. To come full circle, Sherlock allows himself to address his own issues through John while he's in his mind palace, including allowing reflection John to express concern for him as a friend not expressing his own natural humanness. Reflection John is the closest Sherlock comes to admitting to himself that he cares that someone else cares about him enough to ask about his sex life, even if he still can't bring himself to let his own walls down in his own head talking to a reflection of someone.

Sherlock might be able to think quickly and efficiently, but even in his own mind, reflection Mary calls him the slower brother while she leads the way to solve the problem, and along the way he makes mental notes alluding to Mary being an excellent choice of wife for John. We must remember that Mary is by extension the bestie of his bestie, and that Sherlock made a vow to protect Mary (and through that vow, to also protect both John and Mycroft from Magnussen), and it is ultimately that vow, expressed back through reflection John, that overrides his suicide pact with Moriarty in his mind. I thought the imagery in the "desanctified" church was very telling of how Sherlock sees Mary as 'his', framed together through one window while John is framed alone in the next window. Before Sherlock gets onto the jet, he asks Mary to look after John (essentially asking Mary to step up and take on his role in John's life), Mary says she'll keep him in trouble, and Sherlock says, "That's my girl." Sherlock seems to openly accept Mary in his life without reservation, which is a subtle emotional bond that maybe even he doesn't realize has happened. I think the Mary bond, both in definable actuality and in his mind palace, is an unrealized reflection of wish fulfillment. Mary is the closest thing Sherlock has to intellectual competency without either being his brother or a bad guy, working with Sherlock as opposed to gaming against him like Irene Adler had.

Going into his mind palace is about beating the game. What is the game? Solving the ultimate riddle, finding all the pieces to the ultimate puzzle, alleviating boredom. What is the solution? An emotional commitment to real people in definable actuality. With Sherlock's own mind in the way, never the twain shall meet, it would seem. One could argue that Sherlock is emotionally impotent, and that keeping his relationships controlled in a mind palace is what keeps him the 'virgin', any way you want to define that, although Moriarty showing up in the lacy wedding dress pretty much disclaims that Sherlock's innocence is over now.

Despite Sherlock's careful withdrawal from emotional entanglement, Moriarty shattered Sherlock emotionally with a real event Sherlock couldn't control that psychologically ushered him over a threshold and made him capable of murder himself, as we see happen with Magnussen. Sherlock becoming Moriarty's counterpart and unraveling his network was only a tiny part of winning the game after that happened. The game never ends. If Sherlock is capable of murder now, and if he's going into himself and talking to reflections to confront his emotional problems while he solves riddles, he can't help running into himself playing Moriarty. (One can only wonder how psychotic Moriarty's own mind palace must have been.) If not for John's narrative continually interrupting his thoughts, where would Sherlock be? Trapped behind his own mirrors, perhaps.

I'm loving the hints coming up in Mycroft's book. Their mom is a Vernet...

Yeah, gonna leave it hanging there. I especially loved the hellish orange glow that came up between Sherlock and Moriarty in that wedding dress in the desanctified church.

to the tune of Chuck E. Cheese's birthday song

When I say "cryptic" you say "facepalm".
Cryptic
FACEPALM
Cryptic
FACEPALM

This has been stuck in my head since Bunny spent the night this weekend. It really affected me as a child, and I guess you can see where the pinkybluejacky thing started. My mom also called me Elephant's Child. If you know anything about Kipling, you know he wasn't a frivolous writer.



Ok, just weirded myself out. Googled 'pink elephants illuminati' and wound up here, here, then here, and it's wild in that last one that the key number is the age I am now and the time of year mentioned is now and I've already written about my own rabbit dream for my beta readers, and so much more in this is waaaaay too close to so much other stuff, too, lol. But seriously, guys, I actually get off on coincidence, or, as I prefer to see it, synchronicity. (Weirding myself out and freaking myself out are two different things. I'm mocking all of this, ok?) (Mocking doesn't necessarily mean side taking or making a belief statement.) (This is not an invitation to get weird back on me. I'm already worn out from growing up with all this.)

Before I go on, lemme remind us all that I was raised by a prophecy and numerology super freak and wound up studying everything I could find in (and getting a degree in) human behavioral studies, philosophies, developmental religious and political histories, and social psychologies. I know all the weird stuff the brain can do. But I also know very well how easily the brain is manipulated. I'm a big proponent of group think and brain training. I know that sounds bad, but we're already doing it, so I say do it right, with human dignity.

Humans are a unique species because we are so easily imprintable with symbolism, and symbolism easily both represents truth and stands in for truth, even when we know it is false, or true but intentionally construed as false, or even openly both true and false at the same time. We see loads of children's stories throughout the ages that deal with this sort of duality, and how we work through the symbolic pitfalls of life to reveal our own self truths, whatever they may be. Part of this journey usually involves excruciating pain of some kind, either emotional or physical or both, because without the pain the journey can't be made in the first place. This almost sounds like a condonement for abuse, but very certainly not from me, unless it's truly consensual. (You might find this idea interesting- Consent of the Governed.)

Anyway, it's almost like the human brain was designed specifically to be malleable to this sort of symbolic layering. The only real question, in my mind, is who gets to be responsible for the overwhelming fallout of this kind of portent if there really is a reckoning? Otherwise, none of the rest surprises me. So many species are behaviorally pattern-printed, no wonder humans try so hard to fit in. We feel lost without a built-in automated program. Everything we do with or against society must be embraced consciously, and for that we suffer the existentialism of awareness.

Basically what I'm getting around to is the idea that symbols themselves (shapes and patterns) are our genetic printing, and the way they are activated and layered with meaning and importance (representing ideas without having to use any words) is how we behave. The shape of a pyramid exists whether humans do or not. The shapes of circles and 5 or 6 pointed stars and crescent moons exist whether humans use them or not. Angles and dots and measurements and counts and the order they come in have always existed (this is what Plato was trying to say), humans have not. To adopt a symbol and call it good or bad and take it for a unique reference means nothing outside of human behavior. To recognize mathematical expression in our universe is simply that, recognizing that it's all around us. To assign particular meaning to it and fight wars over it belonging to this deity or that is purely human. Either God owns it it all, if there is a god at all, whoever he, she, or it is, or it's just someone using symbols to manipulate societal behaviors. Either way, symbols themselves don't have meaning until they are layered and imprinted as having meaning in the brain. Why would it be so far fetched that humans have already long since figured out how to run societies based on this kind of observational science?

I had a chicken who seemed fascinated by the Mystery of the Six Circles.
OOO
OOO
The first day she ran into them, she stared for an hour, transfixed as though she'd had a vision or revelation that she couldn't figure out, then came back every day to stare again. What I could never explain to her was that the circles were simply where paint cans had sat lined up together on a board, and all we did was lean the board up against the side of the house. It meant nothing. But to that chicken, that was a very special thing, something not in her genetic inventory to help her catalog and process. She never got over it, and was kind of upset when I finally moved it. It held meaning for her. Somehow, somewhere in that tiny little chicken brain, she was stricken with the awe of something so much bigger than her world, and it opened a little door in her mind that allowed a tiny little thought of something that she could never figure out.

Maybe this is what humans look like to something else who is able to step up above the basic symbolism and meaning thing, but for humans, it is how we survive as societies. Every major house or tribe or nation had or still has their own symbol to represent who they were, and identifying with one symbol or another holds deep meaning to each person's self worth in a very challenging world where identifying with the wrong symbol can get you ostracized, or worse, killed. Still, we all know the basics, like what a lightning symbol means. Lightning is very powerful and dangerous. Dancing with lightning bolts as a sort of sash to share and bind a dancing partner to oneself depicted during a hallucinogenic state is very suggestive of torture. Pink is reality distorted (pink is used a LOT in filming to denote very specific props and moods, sometimes associated with evil or as a soft cover over a darker plot), elephants are in charge. The entire song is delightful in my mind, and probably why I latched onto it in my weird childhood. Anyone who's gone through alternate mind states during heavy pain would be able to float right into that song. Anyone else would just blow it off as weird and say it was the alcohol. And then I say Maybe, but were the writers and illustrators drunk, as well?... Something to think about. You know, because this is supposed to be a children's movie. I didn't know what alcohol was, had never seen a drunk person, and my mom gave up attempting to explain that part to me. Why would it even be necessary for a parent to have to explain that? You don't see stuff like that in kid shows nowadays. It's a transitory scene before the big reveal of new behavior, just like what brains really go through under duress. I think it was very well done, much applause. My tiny brain recognized it exactly for what it was. I just didn't have the words back then to discuss it, or the parent capable of seeing what was right in front of her face- a coping mechanism. Can we say brain training?

So scoff if you will, but like the Cheshire cat, the truth is both right there in front of your faces and yet invisible. At any rate, I was an extremely impressionable child and apparently caught all the innuendo and psychological subtext, because I have survived a lifetime of extreme pain and brokenness kind of the same way brainwashed people survive being brainwashed. I see it all around me, it's part of our culture and has been for several generations, and scoffing only shows how powerful it has become if we can now bring it up openly and not believe it. (Remember, my dad was saying ALL this stuff decades before the general public even heard of the rumors, which should have been impossible unless he's either psychic or experienced.)

But if you want to see a then/now comparison, put this pink elephants production next to Lady Gaga's career series and you'll see all the same stuff replicated- the lightning bolt, the split personalities, two different rebirth stories (think about that one), and much more. It's all there. All this symbolism has been part of our culture since our parents and grandparents were tiny tots themselves. Pretty sure it's not random.

Back to real life. Thank goodness I'm starting to feel better, finally. I still have a few good days left this week to look forward to, yay! (Please no jinxing...) I mean, I still can't do much more than whisper, and my eye is still kind of weird, the ear on the same side is itching insanely waaaaay in there, and I'm not sure my brain isn't part pudding or something, but overall, being able to eat again is extremely awesome. The first thing I headed for this morning was tuna. I'm thrilled to be feeling too hot now instead of freezing and can't warm up.

After taking a month off so I could deal with the intensity of physical therapy, I feel terribly behind in everything. I really don't know how true OCD people cope. I'm only on the fringe and the pressure to get my routine back is enormous.

Blogger has announced it will be encrypted by the end of the month, which probably has something to do with what I was talking about Sunday. Everything is supposed to smoothly switch over to https, so hopefully none of my links will screw up. I must have 200,000 links in Pinky blog by now, lol.

I've got a couple of older posts going viral again last few days, and they're not connecting to anything related to bots now, as far as I can tell. Views are 560 and 487, but blogger isn't lumping the new incoming into the overall 'all-time' totals. I mean, that hasn't hurt anything in the all-time top ten list, but aspienado has hit the number 4 spot (already! only been 2 weeks), but there are a couple others that should have shown up higher ranked than aspienado by now that don't even show up on the top ten list, so the blogger widget code for the all-time top ten must be faulty. I can't express how badly I want to get in there and fix all the math... Anyone can write code, but without rigorous usage and feedback, fancy code is just as mediocre as anything you get at a dollar shop. What's the point of novelty socks that shrink in the wash and you can't wear them anyway. I may hafta look around for a better widget and import it. I'll refrain from going into a widgetbox loss weeping spell again. That was the most brilliant thing ever and they went bankrupt. All the really cool stuff gets mowed over.

I've said yes to a book reading challenge. The book on the left just arrived in the mail. We did a trade off, the book I suggested back is really cool, too. Each pic clicks to Amazon if you want to check it out. Note- I'm not signed up to get any compensation for Amazon link sharing. This is a legitimate reading challenge swap.

  

Couldn't sit through TV tonight because I'm coughing my head off ever since @bonenado walked in, something on his clothes (dust from work? pollen?) set me off really bad despite all the zyrtec and benadryl I'm taking, so we're on our computers and probably calling it quits pretty soon. I've tried several times today to catch up on at least some of all that lost sleep, but not having much luck yet.

Feelin' silly. Need to get away from those pink elephants.



Cracking up at discovering my tag 'symbols' was always spelled wrong. May as well stick with what works. :edit: 11-1-16 Fixed it, lol.

What is a friend? the aspienado asks

click for wallpapers

You know on Talking Dead when they do the flashback of all the kills? I've kind of got this mental list going of all the bodies left in my wake.

I lost old lappy before I could get all my downloads off it, and since all the huge windows updates won't ever let it make it past boot up now, I'm having to go back and find all those downloads again bit by bit over weeks and months. Third time now, because the first time I accidentally wiped 197 files off a flash drive after I had permanently deleted them off my hard drive.

Plus I've been slowly sorting through old private stuff off and on, moving a bit of content out into the open in several different places.

I was curious what goth has to do with sugar skulls, so I started digging

Anyway, there's this continual stream of bodies who didn't survive aspienado in their lives for one reason or another, and since this all keeps popping back up, I'm getting a better picture of how and why this happens, and how and why the people who don't drop off are able to stick with me.

I use the word 'friends' very loosely. I've had more 'friends' than just about anyone I know because I've been so prolific across a few fandoms, even though no one really knew who I was in other fandoms or real life or whatever. I've been careful not to cross streams, and for good reason- some streams don't cross well at all. I think acquaintances might be a better word, but everyone just uses 'friends' to mean that now, and basically, friends are non-enemies. I'm getting to where I don't classify anyone as a real enemy any more, so I really do use the word friends very loosely.

I'm usually able to skate above a lot of stuff, but I didn't understand for a long time how other people can't seem to do that, as well. I can hold several completely conflicting opinions at the same time without being bothered, and those opinions don't dictate to me who my friends are. I am usually able to talk to just about anyone about almost anything. I've been very easy in the past for people to latch onto and then get their feelings hurt because I don't mirror back the same enthusiasm, and I expect others to actually see me without having to play their head games if they really want to be friends, as opposed to assuming stuff about me without paying attention.

What people don't see is that I actually get attached in a much different way, and bonds don't break easily for me. When they walk away, I am usually devastated for awhile, maybe not for the reasons they might think, and not out of self pity or loneliness so much as I'm left hanging not understanding what just happened. I can't tell you how many times I've gone through this because people seem to be so afraid to simply be honest with me and point blank say "I need a break from you because this and this", but it's quite a list. There's only been one I've gone back after because I absolutely needed that connection back, but that doesn't mean the rest weren't very meaningful in their own ways or that I didn't care very much about them as people.

this tumblr blog makes a good point and has good links explaining why

I still remember all the people who were either nice to me or mean to me from early childhood on up. I am aspienado, the elephant's child, the one who rocks boats wanting to know why everything is the way it is and not being satisfied with the blow off answers I get. I am the one who puts up with personal abuse without dishing it back, who tries to understand what I did wrong while I defend being right my own way, who pays so much attention that I embarrass people quoting them back (with source) sometimes months and even years later and they don't remember even saying it. I am that annoying friend that can't just let time roll by and muddle through with narcotics and alcohol and regurgitating the same convos day in and day out for years. I am your truth or dare.

My social mapping skills are abysmal, so I've created my own style of social tiering my friends. There are several inner circle singles/sets who don't talk to me in public on social media, there are a multitude of gangs I'm in and out of on social media, there are people who've left me long ago that I still care about, there are people hanging onto me that I'm utterly perplexed about but still talk to, kind of like that. I group my friends up into subsets, categorizing them into what might look like a fishing lure box in my head. Or an embroidery box, take your pick. Or a letter box thingy on top of a desk. All of you are in labeled slots in my mind.

I've thought long and hard about what "friend" really means and is supposed to mean and all the ways it hurts because it doesn't always mean what we wish it would mean. I've decided that using the word "friend" to set judgement values on how close we are is a mistake. I am friends with some really awful people and some really good people, and using the word "friend" doesn't mean I or they care about each other more or less. It simply means there is a bond of some kind between us, no matter how deep or shallow, and I seem to have a lot of connections.

culture smashing all the things can't be stopped
coopting is the future
by the way, this is brain training
Pinky Robot gets it

A friend from my past who is a bit more dear than I ever let on liked to use the word betrayal, and the first time I heard her using it I felt a bit shocked that she would feel so utterly shunning of someone she loved over an emotion. Aspienado grew up without emotions cluttering and tangling stuff up (I simply lumped everything into anger), and since my feelings weren't ever considered in the first place, it didn't matter that my feelings would ever be hurt, because they continually were and no one cared anyway, right? So I've never in my life even thought of using the word 'betrayal' even though I've actually been pretty betrayed. I had a long think about how casually she used that word plugged into an emotion to express what amounted to hating one of her own kids, if I was hearing it correctly, and it was one of those stunning things that sent me reeling through worlds of wondering if that's how my own mother felt about me growing up and stuff. Which I never shared... Maybe I should have. At any rate, I found it very difficult to be friends with someone who was so determined to be so hurt by one thing in particular for nearly a month solid, and I didn't know what to say at all, so I talked about my own stuff like a typical aspienado. I just couldn't empathize at all with someone who triggered so many feelings from the receiving point of view, but it didn't ever occur to me that I should stop being friends with her. If anything, she's the one who toyed with me and eventually peeled me off, finally spelling out to me that she was only in it for the sport. I see now that was just an excuse, but it was very hurtful, and the reason why months later I couldn't reciprocate what felt like a lame attempt to patch up when she needed a friend again, although now I can see I missed a wonderful opportunity to grow more as a person with someone who was doing the same thing, growing as a person.

A lot of people hit and miss in this world. We might be really good for each other, but our time schedules are crazy and we catch each other all wrong. We might be the worst pairing up in history but everyone else is busy, so that person is the one who's there for stuff. Alls I know is I've had some really cool people slip through my fingers because I couldn't recognize what the real problems were underneath the stuff we use to cover things over, and I'm one of those really awkward people who wants the reveals and dares people to be honest. I'm still learning that part isn't necessary in order to be a good friend to someone, even if they need it very badly, and even if it might be the most important step they could take problem solving.

Defining myself as someone's friend is what I'm sifting down to. Am I available? Am I being transparent or elusive? Am I using them out of boredom or urgency and then casting them aside when I don't need them? I never asked myself these things until the last few years, and I'll be first to admit guilt. If I'm going to point to anyone, may as well be me, too.

the post this comes from didn't explain the leap to goth culture

No one owes me anything. Not my best friend, not my worst friend, not my dearest friend, not my scariest frenemy. I decided long ago that whether I allow someone to use me and toss me like a dryer sheet ultimately shouldn't be the basis of how I define "friend". If I go into a relationship expecting a standard of excellence from another person, I need to be letting that person know exactly how they'll fail me and why they'd be cut away, right? There's no guidebook that comes with being human saying "Thou shalt be a good friend". The golden rule thing is nice and all, but if you really think about it, aside from being encouraged toward a bit of kindness, there really aren't codified rules spelled out anywhere about what exactly friendship is.

There was one person many years ago who actually said to me "I am not your friend." This is after years of me practically being part of the family, many hours of babysitting and even cleaning house, being there for so many things. But apparently the definition of "friend" in his world was very tight, and even though he was available for a lot of people and even accessible when people needed anything, he didn't see me as a friend. That this direct sentence came hot on the heels of me being in one of the worst weeks of my life nearly destroyed me. I was let known that I was NOT on level enough to personally share that kind of depth or need, or something. I still haven't figured that one out. And then I basically got the kiss of live and be well and ushered out the door.

How do we know what lines we've crossed when we're never told? How do we know not to do this again if the lines aren't clearly demarcated? Being cut off as 'not a friend' is one of the most horrendous things a person can go through. Isn't it better to say "I don't know how to be with you for this."?

checking wikipedia for a history of skull symbolism

Pretending to be friends with someone until you can't handle something someone else is dumping out and then walking off really undermines the word "friend". So, I've redefined it. People are still my friends whether they think they are or not. They can leave me all they want to, I'm not the one who left them. I may have blown up a few bridges after a few incidents, but I'm typically not the one walking off the bridge in the first place.

If I want to rebuild a bridge, that is my prerogative. If I want to keep offering someone more chances to screw things up, that's my mistake to make. If I want to share everything with one person and not anyone else, that's my right. I do my best not to cross the streams, but the thing I need the most help with sometimes is some of those streams being crossed beyond my control, because that's when I start losing friends. Giving someone the power to do that to me is my latest challenge, and I can't even express how grateful I am to have another friend who actually understands and questions that.

the question of cultural appropriation, perhaps
-but here are my thoughts-
gothic sugar skulls represent abuse victims
because the colors are more like bruising
-original sugar skulls are festive and holy-
gothic sugar skulls are coopted to represent a lifestyle
but we do this with all religious symbolism eventually, do we not?
Mennonite goth has been around a long time, after all

I've had friends fight over me a few times, never understanding why, usually losing all of them in the process. When people start telling me they love me and they'll always be there for me, I know the walk off is imminent. I know that sounds odd, but this has happened too many times and must mean something. I'm still working on why that particular signal works the way it does. People need so badly to blurt their stuff, but trust is a hard thing in this cruel world.

Anyway, the friend compartments. Some of you are my pets, some of you are like siblings or cousins (actually not the greatest sign in the world), some of you remind me of people I went to school with, some of you are your own special thing, some of you I deeply need for very specific reasons, some of you are blessings humming in my background, some of you are sand in my shoes after a good time out at the beach, some of you are books I can't seem to finish, some of you are like 3 year olds wanting attention, some of you are like coffee and cake, some of you are roller coasters... You see what I mean. Some of you have me blocked now because I won't suck back up to your bossiness, but that's ok because it just means we're taking a break.

I stalk the ones I really care about. And I find you. Even many years later I know where you are, how you're doing, and I hug you in my head. If you have a passing thought of me, that's probably why.

I would be remiss if I didn't name this post Blind Io

If you don't get the title by the end of this post, it's ok, just free associating after a deep think.

I have been utterly obsessed with this eye for three months. Sorry, left my flash on. It's at the very end of the Sherlock ep The Blind Banker, a wonderfully apt title. Note of interest for actor spotters- Gemma Chan, who played Soo Lin Yao in this ep, now plays Anita in Humans.

This comes from a lifelong obsession with eyes in the first place, but what's bothering me is that this hint at something seems to have been dropped entirely ever since. We don't know if it was washed off, painted over, or remains all these years staring ominously at Sherlock's flat.

I dig around for other fan interpretations and explanations. This one is pretty good (just a hint of what I could be bothering you guys with). Couple of thoughts after reading that interpretation.

1- I'm irritated that Sarah never once thought to simply kick and tip her chair over after being courageous enough earlier to hit an attacker over the head. That was the worst kind of female helplessness I've seen in a long time. She was way too smart for that in every other scene. @bonenado is irritated that John couldn't hang onto her, says he likes Sarah better than Mary.

2- I subscribe to Mycroft being M here, even without having realized the soundtrack themes were supporting this. The second Shan said she appreciated the help getting into the country, I knew it had to be government.

3- The mirroring is probably why I'm obsessed with the entire series. The visual subtext about siblings speaks deeply to the horrors Mycroft finds himself caught up in. That this series could be so thorough and all-encompassing without having to drag through it with conversations explaining everything to the audience is brilliant, and I thank Moffat and staff for assuming we are intelligent. They go to great lengths, and if you like obsessing over details and editing mistakes, here is a fun wikia for you.

Anyway, the eye is a really big deal. I'm not talking about the all-seeing eye or the evil eye motif, which China doesn't have. I'm talking about being marked or tagged, a visible warning. Who did it? Shan and her people were already dead by this time. I've been a triad fan since my first Jackie Chan intro many years ago, and that eye looked more Egyptian graffiti than anything. I wound up in weird places like this and still didn't find a connection. Did Mycroft have it done? If you'd love to lose yourself obsessing over ancient symbols, knock yourself out. I was raised by a man obsessed with numerology and symbolism in prophecy, so to me this is like brain candy.

Lurkers have probably noticed I seem to avoid certain kinds of music vids. It's true I'm not into watching mushy collections of stills, especially when I'm making it obvious now that I have no interest in infatuation (asexual with prosopagnosia, sorry Benedict, love you anyway), but I have collections of music that help me think really hard. It's a sort of brain training technique. I use particular music patterns to push myself to GET TO WORK and FOCUS or to sort my moods so I won't kill people (metaphorically), and I use this mesmerizing rhythm stuff like a string to follow way deeper into my head. I don't watch them, just put my headphones on and think. iio especially is awesome for deeper thinking. But you can watch them if you want.

Stefani

This is a long post coming, and may seem a bit abrupt if you haven't caught up with real time accounts on medias who keep trying to break through both fact checking and birdwatch with actual news in real time. If you're not yet aware that the inauguration was prerecorded and that the first day in the White House was actually from a film set NOT in DC, then you have some catching up to do. But this post isn't about that.

This is about The List flying under the radar. The list of arrests and the consequences. The list of who's gone.

I started working on interpreting this video several weeks back on another blog. I'm sure my current (seeming) misinterpretation of it might seem a bit slow coming (especially since the dreams have been hammering me for months), but the idea very suddenly broke through this morning that Stefani might have been granted (ordered?) to show everyone what's actually behind her real story, and now I'm seeing 911 as the story of the death of the ways of her kind (elitist crimes against humanity), which is delightfully ironic once you know the 'truther' 911 factoids, and actually pretty brilliant. I'll give her that, since I've bemoaned her bland repetitious style elsewhere. Or, the storyboard could have been heavily monitored, you decide.

For those not yet able to wrap their minds yet around what I'm really saying, I don't even know what to explain here because most people will think I'm horrible, but if you really look into the history of the play this vid is based on (and is now exposing), you would feel sick, so it's not me, it's originally the playwrights and entertainers and political/religious grip of control over societies, so I'm not going to worry about whether I'm the one who looks horrible compared to that. I just know this has been nagging at me for a couple of months and I think I finally figured it out. I'm going to keep my original conclusion about the overt layer that no one quite gets, but I'm now adding the obvious, because in all final interpretations of multilayered symbolism, sometimes it just plain boils down to literalism. 

So let's look at this very literally. What is really going on in this vid?

Stefani's life is in a wreck. A mysterious observer can see her entire perspective. I covered the pomegranates last time, but if you aren't familiar, they are a 'life force' fruit. Stef is on a bike bringing pomegranates across a desert when something happens and she and the poms are nearly destroyed. Stefani secures product and transport. I'm not sure how literal that is, I'm sure her presence in any given locale is mostly the doorway between meetups, because A-list celebs walk the earth between elite world leaders without raising eyebrows. At any rate, this guy. Pay attention. I can't tell you how many times I missed this.

Later on in the vid, we see that this ankle bracelet is an artistic dreamscape interpretation of a wound her leg suffered in the accident. Everything red in this vid is blood, and there is loads of red. However, the red also doubles for another kind of blood, which isn't as obvious until you follow the literal scenes. I'd like to interject that after Stefani's life was abrubtly scuttled, she most likely went under house arrest with an ankle monitor, like a number of celebs, CEOs, politicians, and religious figures have coincidentally all been dealing with this year. Lotta boot casts out there. Stef was not immune to being ankle cuffed.

The mysterious figure leads the way to what looks like the sort of small Catholic church that you find in the desert southwest of the United States and often see in old westerns. Stefani follows.

One of the biggie central scenes starting off in the tiny town in front of the church was a display of Stefani behind a type of decorative grill that kind of mimics the towers arch doorway of Baal, wherein she does several key poses, including a Baphomet pose. At the end of the display scene, she acts like she is being choked, and looks like she might be mimicking what someone might go through being hung. This brings to mind all those weird red bandana celebrity doorknob 'suicides' where they wound up dead after they started talking about stuff they weren't supposed to.

I have no idea if this part of the vid is a communications device to certain watchers who know things, or if she was told to do this, or if she's signaling that it's all over for her.

👆 This really quick scene caught my attention. In my last interpretation review, I brought up that the wrapped corpse reminds one of the wrapped sacrifice for spirit cooking that Marina Abromavic demonstrated. Marina is one of Stefani's 'artpop' trainers. What is this guy doing in this scene? It's not the last time we see him doing something covert to someone with his hand being hidden.

I'm going to spend a little time on this scene. The veil to the temple is pretty obvious, the sacraments, possibly the 'holy' water. Stefani kind of looks like a temple prostitute/priestess.

When I zoom in on the baubles in the water, it kind of looks like the mysterious observer is in the room watching.

Why are figures hung by the neck at the veil in front of the entrance to the inner temple?

This was a hard snip to get because the constant moving is blurry. It's kind of a what the crap scene. Those rods are bored into Stefani's face, right through cheekbones, all around what would be her sinus and upper teeth. I'm going to get gross and say I've seen actual photos of children who are strapped down in small dentist chairs in big empty rooms, and gizmos are holding their lips way back from their bloody teeth, and they can't move or flinch for all the hardware bolting their faces into position. The first time I saw pix like that, I thought it was some crazy off the wall art. Now I know it's real.

Better closeup. This is a pretty artful version of very bad things that cause great suffering. Again, happening in that little church.

Meanwhile, this is happening on the side of the room while Stefani 'dances', or writhes in agony, whichever you prefer. The 911 priest and the political ruler both have their eyes covered.

They are in the same room with the writhing sufferer, hinting that they are very aware this is going on. Stefani is seen now in front of a big cauldron, presumably into which blood is drained. I've seen exsanguination rooms. This is a bit fancied up. Desanguinating victims has a very long, dark history.

Oh, look, now the ruler is being given something to drink from that special cup while a pope stands by doing things with a mirror. Is she literally playing the black pope? There is a very long, dark history behind that, too. Interesting that the light flashes as the blood is drunk. Perhaps this is a spiritual ritual with the one who is called the light, but he's not really.

And then the mirror looks completely devoid of any reflection. Is the soul gone? Can one even still have a soul after drinking the blood of tortured victims?

There's the ankle bracelet again, and this time Stefani is leashed. Of course, in the video, that represents her lifeline back to the paramedics, but I'm pretty sure this scene is doing multilayered duty with a handler who won't allow her to escape even through death. If you've watched all her vids, you know handlers were an early theme.

Oh, look, the water again. And the soulless pope person. No idea why, but the baubles are making me think they look like tiny islands now. Could be a whole other intent in the perfect circle that follows them around.

I can't tell if the mysterious observer is reflecting in the baubles again. Is that pool full of little baubles? Are those souls? Does the 'light' hold them prisoner?

So Stefani is forced back to life all covered in blood, the handler (looks like some kind of mercenary voodoo doctor) shows us he has that rope and the cauldron is outside now, right behind him, so he's in control. The pope is passive. 

Baphomet hand signal. She is now in allegiance. The tree sprouting from her head is the Kabbalist tree of life, the DNA of the children of the chosen elite who 'feed' their families. The bloody bracelet, the bloody ring, all signals that Stefani is now controlled.

I can't tell what this is on the necklace.

👆 THIS. 👆 What is happening? The mysterious observer is leading them all through the town, carrying the New Mexico state flag? Why New Mexico? There may be several meanings here. New Mexico is where Epstein had his big pedo ranches that met up underground with tunnels coming over the southern border. The flag of New Mexico also carries a very unique symbol that means stuff. You can go learn about the Zia sun symbol. Is the mysterious stranger part of this? Hard to say at this point.

Now we get to some really interesting visuals. The pope figure handling a snake? Well, later in the vid she's a paramedic, and we know that snake/staff symbol, but don't stop there! A number of people have been remarking last couple of years on how much the Jesuit Pope's audience hall resembles being inside a snake head, as well as noticing the Pope hosted a snake god at the Vatican...

This scene is super special. We have the cartoonized version of the 'real story' on a wall behind Stefani, again being tortured. As the handler's arm disappears up her robes, she goes into convulsive shakes, presumably in a great deal of pain, and now the rods are bored into her head. The pope sits passively by holding a snake out. What are the igloo-like domes? Are they tunnel entrances?

Once the handler is done and the convulsions stop, Stefani grows very calm and blank. The calamity on the wall might be representing what we'd see on our news screens, explaining the cover story.

I wanted to pay special attention to this shot, so I filtered it. The handler is wearing a triple X ring, pretty sure we all know what XXX means. His hand is over her heart, symbolically he now controls what her heart wants. I made a comment in my last review of this vid that the rods in Stef's head look like a network of antennae, which I'll now say goes well with her being a designated public figure linked up with our elitist world leaders, especially in the U.S. government. I also asked if those were the tens horns, like in Revelations, which is really eye-opening when you think of horns as antennae, possibly satellites. The handler, under the authority of the Vatican, controls and manages Stefani, who in turn works for the political elite. I shared this pic, also.

If this is your first MK Ultra reveal (mind control programming), yes, it really is this bizarre, except that artful interpretation of it makes it more surreal. You can see the now controlled Lady Gaga reaching for the persona they want her to put on for the public, represented as an outfit. It has a domed headpiece mimicking the Pope's headpiece. The handler's hands look like he's guiding a puppet on invisible strings.

And we see her doing this in concert a lot, too. We are made to think it is her will to show off and be in the spotlight doing over the top things, that she is directing all of it. Pretty sure much of that is a cover.

Just before scene change we see that Stefani has become as passive as a cow, close to her watchful handler.

And now Stefani is on display in front of what looks like police tape, with Latin on it? Workers scurry around her while the soulless pope holds a mirror.

Back to the church! The handler leads the way while the blind priest and the blind ruler follow behind, with Gaga posed like a statue for everyone to gaze upon. What's in the box?

Oh, goody, knives.

All the players gathered inside the church. Stefani is now in black lace with the medical stretcher behind her. For all intents and purposes, this entire scene comes off as a smash between a black mass and a trial. Oh, look, the mysterious observer is over by the wall on a colorful fake horse.

And dayam if he isn't the executioner. O_O AND he is wearing an actual cross on his wrist. Wonder what that pinky ring is...

I have no idea who this is or why he's even in the video. I'm going to hazard a guess that he knows everything behind all the cover stories and is in full control of how this mess will play out.

Stefani is extremely distressed. 

I was trying to see the symbols better but that didn't really help. I don't know what they are, but she's 'marked'. They look branded on. Pretty sure it's this symbol from her album cover, which is in the shape of a very early developing fetus that still has the spinal tail. This is what lends to the thought that this might be her last 'farewell' confessional album. We'll look into that in a minute.

Here is a representation of the towers and doorway of Baal, this time inside the church during whatever was going on. Is it being used as a witness stand? I have no idea what's going on there.

The players get pretty funky. Reminds me of chess pieces, and of robots.

I stopped getting screenshots after that.

So today I'm looking back at this vid as more of an interpretive history of who Stefani really was behind all the trappings.

As I pointed out last time, Stefani was mentored by Marina Abramovic. They look quite similar. Marina put Stefani through very grueling rigorous physical and mental exercises, and there are photos floating around of Marina and her star pupil attending ritual gatherings and events that emphasize a lot of blood and humans as sacrifices and food. Also, there is this. Go look, I'm not going to drag it over here, it's disgusting. More here if you have facebook.

Now go look up what causes panda eyes. 😖😨😰😭

A networked very public group of people who've been household names for us all through our lives are in very hot water. I'm hearing that their crimes against humanity are/will be catching up with them. We may not see anything about that on normal 'news', just like how we don't see what they really do behind closed doors.

Anyway, after having thought about all that, isn't this interesting? These snips click to sources.

Drinking the blood of tortured children is a massive crime against humanity, one that carries the death penalty. Doesn't hurt to be aware that this is a very real thing and looks like it's about to go public.

Imagine an entire industry showing this kind of behavior off and hardly a soul batting an eye.