skies fall, questions get asked

Started on 3-3-17.

"Did you enjoy the game?" he asked with a broad smile.

"Wait, what?"

"You asked for the most difficult setting, how was it? Did you enjoy the challenge?"

"What are you talking about, that was a GAME? My family died horribly, I was in so much pain in that hospital, you're saying that was a game?"

~~~~~~

Now it's 5-30-17. I'm trying to clean up my draft pages.

That's one of many mashup scenarios between religion and science I imagine for the afterlife, which turns not to be an afterlife at all. But yeah, that's what I think of every time I see debates about what this universe really is.

I think if there is anything that comes after, and if we retain memory (think experience points) and go on to more challenges (think leveling up), what then?

And what if we get bored and divert into being some kind of bore worm because we're tired of experiencing and conquering challenges. Is that even possible? Are we allowed to slack off? Do we lose points if we do that?

Most of my life, I have daydreamed of just being in one spot watching time move, for hundreds and thousands of years, for eons. Just watching. Not feeling, not doing, not thinking, just watching. Watching all of it. Eventually just having seen everything, ever.

Why do I want that if I'm tired of being part of it? What is the draw I feel to want to know stuff? Is feeling tired just because I'm in a body? What if feeling tired is only chemical? Can the soul get tired? Does it need to be reenergized? Is joy for the soul the same as food for the body?

That goose really cracks me up. 😁

I actually don't like talking about having Asperger's- WWWWD?

I worked on this last night with considerable effort and finally gave up, thinking I would delete it this morning if I don't like it. This morning, Timehop let me know I posted #crowdspeak- Adapting to the Group Mind on WordPress on this day last year and decided Yeah, maybe I need to say this. So here goes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This evening I watched The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1 and ignored the world. It felt really good.

I dumped Facebook off my phone sometime last year or maybe longer, you guys saw that ship go down after an app crash and then HTC Sense took over and started fights with other apps. I don't miss it. I've had twitter notifications turned off on my phone for a long time, too, except for DMs. I just turned DM notifications off.

I have friends who regularly either block the crap out of people or go underground whenever they have mood swings. That's understandable. I've been known to destroy the internet over a mood swing. I'm getting better, though. I'm having a really big mood swing right now and the only two people I've blocked today are a twitter biz noob who DMd me to get new followers and a FB chick I don't know or have a clue whether she got hacked or purposely tagged me pushing spam. In the old days I'd just block everyone and disappear, but since I'm sworn to no longer do that, and since part of my discipline is dealing head on with it, here I am.

I'm calling a moratorium on DMs and PMs. I'm getting hit daily/weekly with several people having personal problems over other people (remember I stick out like a sore thumb in a fandom, plus other friends), and since we're all thousands of miles apart, and since I myself am working so hard on my own stuff without reciprocating these levels of mood swing dumps, I feel like my plate is getting too full and I'm starting to drop things. Like spending the same amount of quality time talking to my own family. Which I don't do because I suck at it most of the time and they completely understand. They probably have bets going on how long it'll be before I blow something else up on the internet, actually.

I know it looks like I have tons of free time on my hands because I don't have a job because full disability. But if we stop there, that's really misleading. I have been through years of both body and brain fail, scraped myself back together with loads of hard work and discipline and created a job for myself when I could no longer go to work, spend at least 40 unpaid hours a week building what is now beginning to look like enviable web presence, and the plan behind that is to launch actual product, and the plan behind THAT is to get off disability.

Over the course of this scraping, I've had to deal with continual setbacks, including losing nearly everything I'd ever written because of server moves, on top of so many other things happening all the time, plus I don't get to eat the food I like or dope myself up or self medicate, so everything I'm doing is done gritting my teeth through pain and interruptions and making myself GET TO WORK. I regularly feel very jealous of other people and just never say anything.

Since I'm home all day doing 'nothing', I kind of owe my friends, right? I mean, I waste time posting stuff, why can't I spend time talking to friends? I'm getting strong hints from several directions lately. It occurred to me today that if I were to turn the tables and drop private time demands in a few laps after long work days, I would be a dick, right? In fact, I kind of felt like a dick after I privately bombed someone else who manages to stay apart from all this stuff, like I was passing a 'dump my day' hot potato around. I felt like a chump once I realized that.

The whole point behind me going public is to be PUBLIC, so that anyone can see what's going on and I don't have to break it down individually, because 1- I loathe the redundancy of saying the same thing over and over individually (which is why I don't teach college, every semester would be hideously boring to me), and 2- friends who've been subjected to emails very quickly drown in me not shutting up, and only one ever had the guts to say anything about that, which I respect, by the way.

One example of my private messaging conundrum was a guy in another country who hooked up with every social media account I had and privately asked me nearly daily on every single one how my day was going. When I finally engaged in a convo I realized I was very clearly caught in quicksand, and as I started extricating myself he started very publicly asking me why I didn't like him. As many years as I've been on the internet, you'd think I'd learn by now, but nooooo. As of this last month, I'm still having private convos with too many people way too often, and it doesn't take long for that to turn into 3 hours a day *poof*, gone.

I've been trying to model on other successful bloggers, and I often ask myself what they would do given certain situations. You know, such as a follower I barely know starting problems with someone extremely high profile behind my back and then coming back to my public timeline with a message saying they were told to tell me I'm full of shit. That part was actually pretty funny because it's old fandom stuff (I did actually laugh and everything's fine, more or less), but what I'm not sharing is what's not being said in public because it's private, and the private stuff is wearing me down, and it's all I can do to keep being nice. I've come very close several times last few days to being a real dickweed just because I'm really tired. I have to keep reminding myself I'm the one putting myself in the situation where I'm struggling with not being a dick.

So I'm going to buy myself a WWWWD shirt for my birthday that says "Don't Be a Dick".

My favorite person to learn from is Wil Wheaton, since he's been so thoroughly minced through the public grinder, so I often ask myself- WWWWD? What would Wil Wheaton do? Well, he actually writes some pretty scathing commentary about things once in awhile, which is awesome when he's powerful enough to actually get an apology and a change of policy from a company here or there, and he also openly deals with depression. but he doesn't have Asperger's. I have yet to find a sufficient model for me to study on how to handle my typical aspienado reaction to other people's very public passive aggressive jokes, taunts, and sideways hints at my personality (which they think are cute and clever and harmless), because I was obviously born a dick. I personally would feel the need to blow up my blog if I got tons of comments like Wil does. I've never really been able to put a finger on why, because I feel this way even when response is 100% positive. Fortunately, the smart remarks are really rare nowadays, hopefully because I'm being honest about my stuff and people are in turn being kind, because otherwise y'all would wanna flay me and I would lovingly hash you up for sport.

Now, all this asplaining doesn't mean I'll be jumping back on those DMs and PMs any time soon because I'm in overload - (2 minute video experience) this month between all the extra driving and physical therapy on top of EVERYTHING else, so I'm in prime dickweed condition to kill people. If what that guy says in the overload vid link is true, being in aspie overload is likened to an LSD experience. I live like this.

Here is another sample vid of what overload is like for aspie heads, but keep in mind this is ONLY auditory. It doesn't include visual, olfactory (@bonenado burning popcorn), anything skin including quarter degree temp and air pressure changes, PLUS all the mental processes I have to keep focusing on, like driving, reading, finishing chores, etc.


Right now I've got headphones on because it's late, I'm tired, and football is grinding my brain something awful. I love football, but I can't process it when I'm tired. The headache I eventually get is a nerve headache, like every nerve in my brain is throbbing. (NOT the same as a migraine, those are worse.) Think stress headache + cluster headache + occipital/trigeminal, etc. Think of noise as sandpaper rubbing your skin, or your eyeballs. Chaotic noise gets old real quick, so I find rhythmic noise to counter it and help me navigate through overload.

I have also trained myself to go to my keyboard and write through overload because it gives me a way to focus through the sheer chaos going on in my head. @bonenado loves this because I'm not crabbing at him while I'm keyboarding. I can't just go to bed and shut the door because my head literally feels like a battery is buzzing in it from all the overload, and it takes awhile to process it down to less irritating levels. I can't just play a game and increase the overload. I actually literally have to wait out what I fondly call 'feedback loop', like old mics do during sound tests, only it goes on for an hour or longer. Imagine me trying to deal with several people having mood swings all at once in separate private messaging or texting on top of that. I've never been able to juggle convos like that anyway, even on a good day. I'm getting better at maintaining being a pleasant and supportive person, but I feel that snap coming and I've gotta bail before I set fires.

My family has seen how awful I can get when I'm like this. I'd rather not dump overloads on my friends without warning. I'm saving your lives. Because I'm a dick. I bet I'm the dickiest dick you know, and you just have no idea. I know I can out-mean just about anybody in seconds flat when I'm like this. My sense of humor gets mean, I hurt feelings galore, and I lose all my friends. I also have to win every argument, and people in my past know very well how long I can go on making a point. Wait, this is where I've trained myself to go look for a cat meme. brb. Ok, this is better than a cat meme.

So you guys can wave at me, emoji at me, DM the crap outa me, whatever you're doing out there, but if you're jumping up and down trying to get me to ~respond~, it's not gonna happen when I'm like this. I'm not going to get on my timelines and whine about my life, I'm not going to get on private messages and hold back dumping about my life while I try to stay nice, I'm not going to leave a trail of bodies in my wake, and you're all going to be fine.

If it's any comfort, I'll be ignoring at least 30-40 regular taggers, PMers, and DMers for awhile. Not picking on any particular person, just lumping everyone into silent mode. Through a week's time I often get tagged 5000+ times, and while I'm sure this is small potatoes compared to Wil, it's a bit of a workout, especially when I'm focused on sifting out new Lexx fan contacts.

I'd also like to repeat again that I appreciate all the support I've had coming back out public, which I never expected, and I'm not sitting here simmering about anything, just trying to control going down that black hole. One of my fave sayings about aspies is that our kind doesn't flock, we all go to our separate rooms and corners and rock or something.

Here we go, this is my head, only everything in my head is moving way faster.

bio nazi

Things I will never begin my bio with ANYWHERE, so if you ever see this stuff associated with my name, it's not me doing it.

Award winning- Really? Do you know how many award winning people are out there? MILLIONS. I have run into so many award-winning people online it's incredible. I wonder if some of them are counting their fourth grade something something trophies. I was president of a 4-H club for two years, but you don't see me saying President in my bio.

Published author- Right, because so many fanfic and blog writers out there are 'published' just hitting enter. Don't forget to link.

Professional- I'm very glad to say I'm not a professional killer, even though I've killed way more beings on this planet than most people I know. You do something long enough, you earn the 'pro' badge whether you get paid for it or not.

Energetic- I'm about to go into Spock mode about what that even means. Are you focused?

Global- Dictator is the proper word after this one.

Anything third person or chopping off personal pronouns and going straight to verbs- because that's so last decade.

Whimsical- This one word alone makes my brain kamakaze right out of my skull. If anyone wants to see my smoldery dragon breath, all they have to do is put the word 'whimsical' in my bio.

Passionate- This is a euphemistic word for 'competitive' and 'get out of my way' and 'I will eat you'. We all step aside and let passionate people plow their roads.

CEO of startup- I'm my own boss, too.

Optimistic- I debated 'optimistic pessimism' with my psychologist off and on for several years. I would never hire an optimist. I want people I work with to have contingency plans for everything that can go wrong any second.

Words I would use if it were true-

Certified- Because, you know, genius.

Currently- Good word. I, however, might jaunt into 'previously' just for sport.

Invincible- Because no one else ever uses it.

I really like these two bios. Both of these people out of several hundred got me to click and the second one especially impressed me after the click.

I'm kinda finding all this a funny distraction right now, especially since my own page is kind of a joke and I can't keep up with the activity going on there.