Sometimes I try to turn it around, let's do what I want to do, and they rarely follow me into what I like, or if they do they kinda misinterpret and send me into facepalm fails and I have regrets galore. So I have learned to just stop showing people what I really like. I mean, even on Pinky blog, you guys really don't have a clue what I really really like.
Finding something to enjoy with someone is hard. Finding someone who fills a spot where both just enjoy hanging out is rare and precious. When I see people who understand this, I feel less alone. When I see other people who can't imagine being this lonely, I feel jealous.
Anyway, so I have adapted to something I got pulled into, I remember balking at the start about the goals and how much work it looked like and way too interactive, and now I'm actually doing it and enjoying it immensely, and I'm feeling left behind again.
Trying new things for other people can't be a thing any more. I have spent so many hours of my life adapting to other people's whims or lifestyles. If I were to add up all those hours, counting all my family, we're talking decades of my life.
It's weird reaching a place and suddenly realizing I didn't get to do what *I* want to do with my own life. Much of the rebellion was escape or distraction. Much of the settling was with the idea that eventually I'd be happier with people than without them, or at least less alone. Oddly, the blaring reality is how alone I feel with people around me everywhere. But at least I can say I tried.
I know a lot of people don't get to do what they want, but one of the incongruities was that my dad did, and he's the most alone person I know. He got to do the motorcycles and exotic hunting on horseback, the traveling, the big ranching and farming. He got to dabble in all the little dreams, and he had money tied up in it.
I always dreamed of traveling, but I kept winding up with the wrong people. I always dreamed of having my own place, but again, wound up with the wrong people for that. So many people have directed my life path without even noticing or caring what I even wanted, that if I don't just point blank say it out loud, my own husband doesn't have a clue. And it's not because he's mean. He's just excruciatingly in his own head doing his own thing his own way. So many people are just born like that.
And then I see people once in awhile who actually get to make all their own life choices, and they complain about so many little things in their day that I feel like tearing my hair out. They chose it and it's still not good enough to embrace. Actually getting to choose and execute one's own will on one's own life is so rare.
If I were to say what I'm really thinking I would lose everyone. I have no one to talk to that wouldn't stab me in the back or walk away and never speak to me. Weirdly, I watched someone else go through this same problem recently, and the fallout that created. I know I can't behave like that.
If I could change one thing in my life right now, I'd make myself not allergic to anything so I could eat a great big sandwich and a bunch of guacamole. If any of you out there run into this and you're feeling all glum and stuff, cheer up and go eat a f*ing sandwich, because I can't. Just go do something while you still can and don't whine about it making you fat. Good lord.
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