conundrums galore

It is really hard capturing in a 3-way so that I'm not reversed

I miss live tweeting. Even if all I was doing was glancing at the phone to check a hashtag feed for the show, I miss you guys throwing thoughts out about what you're watching while I'm watching.

I've lost my place in Real Time. Without apps on my phone, I'm not checking the twitters and my facebook feeds. I'm not seeing up to the second breaking and trending. This is the first time in years I've been this unplugged. Here, go watch this. It's supposed to be private but vimeo is so crap that it's actually searchable. Anyway, Jordan's line "I feel unplugged" is exactly what I'm feeling right now. That is my absolute fave parody skit in all of spacetime.

In that sense, I feel more alone now, but the initial panic I felt without my regular touch bases actually wore off fairly quickly, and as soon as that happened, I was suddenly much more creative and all over accomplishing a series of tasks that add up to bigger things getting done.

I'm not really alone. I still have Jawn, and you guys are a website away while I work. I know all I have to do is reach out. Going appless (app-less? lol that looks funny) stopped a phone crash cold, and now my phone is fine as long as I let it sit there loafing around. I can still text if it comes down to it. And I can always watch the chat scroll up in Mo Creatures, but I mostly just ignore it.

So I'm signed up with an author learning center. I think only other signed in authors with that company can see it, so all you get is a screenshot. And you can see already why I'm such a wreck about typos...

Hopefully I'll pick up some mojo in there to help my anxiety. There are learning courses and forums, I think. We'll see. Tentative hope for a very tentative publishing date (or at least a submission deadline) is sometime this year. After my initial scheduled timeline projection got blown out of the water with 2 pregnant daughers, a surgery, and a major server move (should we even count the big allergy and autoimmune flares and the stupid med roller coasters I went through?), I know better than to just say Yeah, I'll git'r'dun by May...

I've helped turn high traffic retail stores, restaurants, and hotels upside down for inspections and have written over 2M words on blogs by now, and I'm taking forever to get a book out.

It really is anxiety, though. I was very reassured today that pulling back for fixits isn't a problem. It's all malleable when one is paying out up front for the service. You can lol all you want, but if I break even on this, I win bets galore, and if I actually make enough to reinvest and keep going, I'll be getting a lawyer to help me with the SSI lawyers who'll demand years of back pay, because that's how our govt handles disability. They won't just wave and say "Glad we could help while you needed it!" This won't be the first time I've been scraping shelves under threat of garnishment (of what???) and lawsuit.

You guys on both sides- Democrats, Republicans, Obama & Hillary, Trump- it doesn't matter. This is the kind of stuff that happens when you're in abject poverty. I've been there. Our people are not kind to our own. You either get out big or you stay down there. There is no in between, and not one president on either side has EVER solidified debt relief for the disabled. If you owe student loans, there is no forgiveness unless you cooperate with very strict 'guidelines' that boil down to legal loan sharking, and you will own *nothing* the rest of your life. Y'all who fuss this and that over health care and whatever, you have no idea what's really going on under the table in this country until you are hounded every single day of your life for years and years by collection agencies blessed the by the U.S. govt to keep selling your loan debt without ever complying by govt rules for debt relief policies even when you are judged so incompetent that you have a court appointed payee and spend years in physical therapy just to keep moving around your house.

If this actually rolls out, it rolls out big enough to break free, or they will break me, and I'm nearly to my too-exhausted-to-fight-any-more point.

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me." A.C.H. Smith

Pinky Robot

This Pinky blog will be 2 years old in 3 days. Pinky blog originally came from Pinky Robot blog, which suffered a server migration.

And that blog actually started after this- Are you a robot? For some reason, that question was like a little snowball that eventually avalanched my whole mountain down. See what happens when you put 'pinky robot Janika Banks' into a search bar... She never knew me as Pinky Robot.

10 1/2 months after I first ripped open about Pinky Robot in hybrid- how robots go on, I finally got the courage to put her name and city into a search bar. I was thankful to find this post, because it was such a relief seeing how I felt already worded out so I wouldn't have to. I know that sounds weird coming from someone who writes nonstop, but seriously.
How The New Mexican Government And Prison System Failed Its People

As I ripped open, starting a little over a year ago, my blog hits doubled, and then tripled, and lately I've let it slide back down a lot because I found a lot of my answers and got busy playing on minecraft. Despite this being my slowest month so far since March 2015, this is what my stats look like right now. No, I have no idea why, nothing obvious is standing out in referrals and other incoming like bots in my past have. I'm going to guess it has something to do with the Olympics though, because the majority are going straight to dotcom page instead of posts, probably from bio links on twitter and facebook.

And the reason I say Olympics is because alla sudden I've got all these countries showing up in stats this last week (blogger only shows top ten in any list)

and month

and I had that big tweet on the 5th that's still pulling in impressions

and pages like this showing up in my referrals lately. I'm going to guess my tweet got pulled into content curation or something. The page wouldn't translate for me, you can click that and try if you want.

And while I'm in stats, let's see what you all look like.

Top browsers this month-

Top operating systems this month-

This is usually what I see in visiting countries because of Lexx, Merlin, Sherlock, and other fandoms.

This referral cracked me up. Don't worry, it didn't tell me who you are, it's just I don't usually see it announced like that.

It's been a very long week, and I know some of you guys probably still think all I ever do is twitter and facebook and minecraft and then TV when Scott gets home from work, but I actually do read once in awhile, and today I got lost in some really cool write-ups about labyrinths throughout human history around the world, including Going Around in Circles: The Labyrinths of Theosophy. "The pattern of the classical labyrinth looks like the brain, and walking it is a dance with the forces of the universe. Just as in life, the goal is to reach the central source, but the path to it takes one close and far away by turns, until finally, the center is attained. At this point, the seeker realizes that his journey is only half done, for now he must dance the energy of the source back out to the world." Plus a lot of other good paragraphs. If you'd like an easier version, try The Labyrinth: A Brief Introduction to its History, Meaning and Use.

Social media is my labyrinth. I meander in an out, sometimes walking with others, sometimes walking by them going other directions. Sometimes I am silent and contemplative, sometimes I am moved as I move.

I'm not sure if I'll be posting again real soon or not. I have a minecraft date in the morning, and Tuesday is 2 appointments, psyche guy and sleep study consultation. Tomorrow around noonish my scheduled Autisable post goes live again. Several of my original Bluejacky posts are starting to show up on my new Autisable blog, and you can see they go back 7 years. I forgot I even wrote this one 5 years ago- Psyching Up – Becoming Liberated. I was one of my psychologist's very first adult autism spectrum patients. We both hung in there, and I've come to trust him completely as one of my most solid relationships. I'm not sure yet what kind of new material I'll be submitting, but blogging has definitely helped me communicate better when it comes time for more one on one with my psychologist. It's like getting all my thoughts rounded up and weeded out first.

Bluejacky, Pinky Robot, Aspienado... All my ways of dealing.

Ok, I need to escape this post and move on. THIS. Out just today and going viral.

between the stars

Have I mentioned my lip art obsession? Probably not. I really don't tell you guys all the stuff. I've had this on my phone awhile. I've been collecting lip art pix for years. Click it for a crazy good time.

Today was pretty fantastic, and I'm wiped out, so bullet points while I let a rare pain pill start percolating. I've been avoiding it until follow up because it skews blood pressure readings, and now that I've got 118/80 documented 3 days back on beta blocker, I'm free to skew.

• I'm officially downgraded from diabetes to pre-diabetes because I have managed it so well for so long without meds that I'm being booted off the island. While that means some things no longer get paid for on insurance, it also means I have successfully demo'd that I no longer need those things anyway, woot!
• I actually lost a pound. We laughed. I told the doctor I stuck to calorie plan and the cartia turned me into a water balloon, and he said yep, it does that. 7-10 days it'll be outa my system, so hopefully I'll drop a couple of pounds just because the water retention will self correct, because dang it, I really did stick to a calorie count.
• Now that the lethargy is already resolving, I get to shoot back into physical therapy while I'm still tolerating neurontin well to see if I'll assess differently now and hopefully make some progress this time, so maybe summer's not completely wasted after all.

Ok, weird stuff happening at the Circle K. Was trying to get this pic out of my photobucket and it kept grabbing this ghost pic instead. No idea whose dog that is, that address isn't my account, but every time I right click or try to mouse and highlight, I get that dog. Hmm. Just made that album private and it's still doing it. I'm not able to get a thumbnail address in any shape or form without getting that dog instead. Isn't this fun. This is how I feel right now.

Ah, here we go. Got into the help/scheduled maintenance screen and found other people complaining that they can't get their codes, either. The last person sent them an email 10 hours ago, no answer, other people in queue, same thing. Editor settings are out, issues going back to end of July... Wonder if the new app rollout funked up their root system or something, and maybe they had to just pull interactive function offline to fix a nasty code break. So it's not me, it's not my Windows 10, it's not someone messing in my account, it's photobucket going down like a flaming Ican'teventhinkofawordhere.

And since that could conceivably mean thousands of links go down all over my blogs going back years on a pro account, I may as well walk away and not even think about this, right? I'm going to go have a snack and finish my movie and hopefully take a nap. I never got that nap yesterday and I was crashing into bed big time last night.

At least youtube still works.

Star Jars

My free associating is off the wall this morning. I fell back asleep on the couch after Scott left for work and kept jerking awake with really crazy stuff popping into my head. Like the guy in flat sneakers and white jeans with bright red Clifford the dog heads all over them, and a couple minutes later jerked back awake with the title Star Jars popping at me over a line of Jar Jar Binks merch.

I had gone into one of my mind rooms, where I visualize walking into a room and looking around at everything in it, and maybe talking to whoever happens to show up with the room. It's a good way to fall asleep, sort of lucid dreaming. I've been doing that all my life, thanks to insomnia, and I'm still surprised by the things I find in my head. I mean, who mocks the other person in the room about the decor, which was stunning, by the way. I told him I felt like I'd walked into his brain womb. It's my own head mocking my own head. But at least there was a chess board there. A very nice one, actually, all the pieces were hand carved precious stone, the board was marble, and it was set into its own mahogany console table. (Now you're wondering what in the world I mocked in that room.)

I mean, Clifford torus? Do the jeans represent the bending and folding of spacetime? I often think of what spacetime actually is while I'm doing laundry, because, you know, fabric. But Star Jars? Apparently that's really a thing, but I didn't know that. Or maybe I heard of it once and it came back to me in a weird riddle.

Years ago in one of my older fandoms a friend and I tried to set up mutual lucid dreamstates, not very successful as far as we could tell, but from those experiences I moved on to researching spontaneous remote viewing in dreamstates, which explains loads of weirdness throughout my childhood and some really cool stuff since. Ancient aboriginals around the world used to call it soul traveling and regard it as a very natural part of our existence, and I think we're all familiar with the concept of priests across a variety of religions prompting visions by some means.

Abominations like this shouldn't even exist. #facepalm It clicks out to a couple of funny paragraphs that include "So the Venn Diagram of "Hates Jar Jar Binks" and "old enough to find Benedict Cumberbatch attractive" overlaps greatly... How does one reconcile that horrific voice coming out of Cumberbatch's mouth? Who allowed this dichotomous abomination of love and hate to happen? MTV, how dare you dabble in doublethink! Shit like this is how Orwellian dystopias get started."

Here, click this one to go torture yourself at youtube. What I don't get is how every celebrity in the world who does impressions on any level can immediately pull a Jar Jar out of their sleeve, even though we ALL agree that's about as wretchedly low as it gets.

How does Benedict show up in EVERYTHING I pull up in a google search. Everything.

Maybe the bigger question is- was that him in the white jeans with the red Clifford the dog heads all over them. I honestly couldn't tell you, didn't get the guy's face.

I think starting back up with psyche guy last week must've opened up a whole can of Star Jars. When I go back tomorrow, I may have to dredge up the big chess thing. It's complicated. Even Freud could never have anticipated asexual aspie being forced to play chess at the tender age of 8-10 with a man who could out-argue a whole group of Jehovah Witnesses just so he could win over and over until I finally got the whole strategy thing down. #pokerchess During games I was also forced to play devil's advocate for his lengthy religious arguments so he'd be ready to win debates over everyone else in his whole life. This all happened behind my mother's back in a house where we regularly bled out and dismembered my pets so we could eat them.

Guys, we ate Jar Jar. And Freud is dead. "I won't tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you"- no, just grind my brain through having to be right and win all the time. My dad was super aspie on a stick in a heart numbing carnival of death. Not a horrible man, just practical. They all were back then. Faith comes first. Before everything. Before love. Little girls and boys around the world still grow up like I did and know exactly what I'm saying. I'm still trying to figure out Star Jars. Some kind of metaphor?


Say the right words.

routine

It took several years for me to embrace the somewhat daily discipline of touching base with myself on blogs. Once I got into the habit, it took another couple of years to embrace the interruptions that keep me from focusing on enjoying the brain workout of daily blogging. That's really what it is, isn't it? Writing something down every day is an exercise, and sometimes it's hard and sucks the same way that committing to a 30 minute workout every day does. So when alone time with one's brain creeping out into the soft static of the world Borg mind becomes enjoyable, something getting in the way of that can make a person feel kinda pissy. And then learning to let it go can turn it into work all over again when it's time to get back into routine. Routine iz hard, yo.

That's why I blog the way I do. I make it really enjoyable to come back because I would otherwise be so bored and frustrated with the written word that I'd maliciously envision visiting horrible consequences all over my laptop, either in forums or actually on my laptop. ZZztTTT There, you stupid keyboard, want some COFFEE? Can you keep up NOW??? See, if I had minions, they'd look more like spiders because I'm evil and would go on gleeful stomping frenzies.

I'd rather be cool, you know? Not just someone losing it and throwing things.

A wise man once said, "Don't dream it. Be it." I heard the playwright actually got that off a cigarette ad, but who cares.

You thought I was done, didn't you? I'm not done. I actually did do some writing over the holiday weekend. I've been noticing over the last 8 weeks that writing seems to suddenly have become remarkably easy. I'm no longer struggling when I sit down and continue painting my canvas. I was kind of joking about the whole thing through April, but I guess it was real.

I couldn't read until I got into the second grade. Thankfully I got a teacher who was all into phonetics. Suddenly words became a game.

My third grade teacher made sentence structuring a game. I began to write.

My fifth grade teacher made reading a game. I had the second longest bookworm in the class.

My sixth grade teacher showed me with a special projector that I'm actually a speed reader.

I figured out by high school that I can glance through books and accurately summarize them without being conscious of what I've read.

College was like a circus smorgasbord at which I excelled without understanding, and learned that my communication skills were dismal. I discovered a secret key and unlocked a door to a gigantic maze.

The internet was a joyous brawl without direction until I learned I can make and lose friends.

Blogs helped me practice in the long, dark nights after my world shattered and all hope was gone.

A psychologist helped me understand that my problem really is me. I saw myself for the first time.

I am Aspienado. I've worked long and hard to reach this place. There is no magic involved. I'm not that savant. (I believe we are all beautiful and magical.) Because I kept pushing myself into a routine, I am writing.

I'm writing pain.

And I'm writing joy.

And one day, Lord willing, you will see it. Time to GET BACK TO WORK! >=l