They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There are so many ways I can take off on that. Like, I should be G-Girl by now. Or puny body, will of steel. Or wisdom comes from experience, so I must be up there with the gurus by now.
Like, if I rack up credits in this life for being like this, can I have them transferred to someone else? haha Just thinking about the new xanga game.
Life is a lot like xanga. It goes on whether I post or not. It's always there, buzzing with activity while I hide in a cave contemplating the universe. It's a plethora of whispers and shouts and screams and laughter that circumvents the world while I watch tv. I find that comforting.
I slip in and out of xanga like I slip in and out of life. Most of the time all I want is the sheerest of human contact. Sometimes I need distraction or entertainment. Sometimes I splat myself all over the screen like some delusional Monty Python wrestling championship with Stephen Hawking.
Sometimes I start new medications and watch the day waste away in a foggy haze, wondering how the next 20 years will be.
Living on the meds I do isn't unlike downing margaritas all day, starting as soon as I get up. The main difference is I'm stuck in a house watching the world through everyone else's eyes.
The last 20 years have been rough, but I can't complain. I know how extremely lucky I am to have insurance and meds, a home and a husband, good food and a nice bed.
I know there are a lot of us 'out there' who are scared. Our bodies don't work right, we don't know how long they'll last, and we're not always sure if anybody cares. We ask the big questions decades before most people have to face them. We face our dooms every day and learn to gracefully hide them if we want to keep friends. We crawl through the dark alone in broad daylight, and wonder if anyone sees us.
Take a pill. If I have a problem moving around, there's a pill. If I have anxiety about living, there's a pill. If I face the biggest scary thing in the world, is there a pill for The Nothing that wants to consume me?
All my sorrows, all my sadness, and all my efforts mean something. I don't want sitting here in my house too wasted on pills to be meaningless.
Somebody's out there going, Shut up and do another survey already, for crying out loud... get over it.