-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Saturday, April 22, 2017


I was looking around in photobucket and discovered that I have to check a thingy now allowing them to link out from private albums so that what I link on blogs can still be public. I'm going to guess that this is one of those surging into international https compliance things I'm going to have to keep an eye on, one more little box to tic on a very long list of my own maintenance chores I seem to be letting slide a lot more these days. Anyway, if some of you are running into missing images, that's probably it, at least I hope so. If not, several thousand images going back to 2004 might be turning into little empty boxes for some other unfathomable reason, but the Lexx stuff seems to be intact, and I'm assuming that's because most of that stuff is housed in a public folder.

This last week was my first full week in 2017 without a major pain or med challenge and it was pretty wonderful (especially considering how well I'm doing on one of my worst allergy months). I did what most people do given a chance to actually enjoy time passing- chillaxed. It's not often I can just hang around doing nothing, so I relished it a bit. Well, actually, I got busy on a long neglected project I started 2 months ago in Mo Creatures, a very dangerous 3D sculpt that requires my full attention because it's so easy to fall and die and then have to run around looking for all my stuff while I fight critters below... Anyway, my sculpt seems to be attracting the pertinent critter to spontaneously spawn really high up, so now it's even more dangerous. Cool, huh? This will eventually become a giant spider web. I'm tickled that it might have real spiders on it. No idea if the sticky webs I placed encouraged this one to show up. I reap those with a shearing scissor from mineshafts deep underground because they're cool and fun to play with.

You noticed, right? A giant spider web where the brain would be behind the glasses... Because I'm on the webs, and other deep stuff. I have way too much fun being literal with my creative side, I think. Most people stop at words like 'bizarre' before they run along.

I also spent a little time doing more exploring. One of my fave things to do is just run and see. No map mods, no waypoints. Just run. Players on the server have no idea I'm probably the only person there who's taken a real cartography class and had to make a real map. I love maps. But real freedom is tossing the map and just running. Or swimming. Lotta swimming.

I know, I'm still using super default. I'm mod-free except for the server load. If you guys could see what I see in my head both on and off the server, you'd never look at mod packs the same way again. If the question ever comes up what alien or synthetic life form I find myself most attracted to and feel akin to, it's always been V'Ger, kinda lost inside and needing to find a way to reach out and communicate. I'm simple on the outside. Inside are wonders only I ever get to see. I can definitively say we are not our brains. It's like we're seatbelted into automated super computers and don't have a clue. I've actually been able to watch mine work, and I'm pretty sure some kind of self awareness goes down to the cellular level, but very unlike our kind of self awareness. Being human, a conscious entity governing a whole self-correcting universe of cohesive units acting in tandem for our every whim in order for us to emotionally and spiritually learn things without having to be too distracted by overlording the physical, is something my actual brain can't even conceive, yet makes possible for me to think about. If we could turn ourselves inside out and really see who we are, we are like V'Ger, clouds of being around tiny organisms that we feel trapped in sometimes. And we use layers upon layers of thoughts and simulations and presentations and art and stories to fathom what being is. The bonds we form in life are so different from chemical bonds in our bodies, and feel so much more important.

And it's funny how we need to invent things like V'Ger and minecraft to keep perpetuating the depth of simulations running in our minds, and nearly every bit of it is how it relates to our own being. Once in awhile I step out past that part (did it way more as a kid), really let go of the human connection and let the simulations about how everything works just run on and on, watch the mysteries unfold, go so deep I forget I'm even human in a body on a world and eventually come back very surprised, going oh yeah. As far as I can tell, the only way I can know for sure this particular experience world is 'real' is because pain is nearly the only thing that keeps pulling me back to it before it pushes me back out again, and I always come back to this body, this life, no matter how many thousands of other places and life simulations I get lost in. This one is important. This is the one where the people I love can actually love me back. I'm not making it up in my head.

#transparency I've really lived like this my whole life. I've briefly touched this level in The Unstuck Pinky.

Bunny has a book called The Shape of Me and Other Stuff. I wish I'd had that growing up.

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