Snip clicks to tweet so you can go follow Pagan and Nurture and Support on twitter.
and click this amazon link
(not paid to link any of that on Pinky blog)
My youtube viewer history went off the rails this week, so I'm slapping myself silly again. I think my very favorite thing in this highly promiscuous and NSFW 'pink slap meme' search are those really long toes with the pink toenails.
And I just realized that by word association half of you probably thought that my youtube viewer history going off the rails meant in a promiscuous way, so let me make you sick and really sick. Not promoting, just sharing the nauseated feeling. I tend to rocket off into the abyss like I'm skipping down a carnival strip when life plunges into dark and sucky, and I cannot say anything right now that doesn't sound smutty, so consider it another innocent jaunt into closeyoureyes land.
It's ok, though, I found pink spiderpig.
And of course that roofied me right out of Sadland into crazy and I'm good now.
I was looking around in photobucket and discovered that I have to check a thingy now allowing them to link out from private albums so that what I link on blogs can still be public. I'm going to guess that this is one of those surging into international https compliance things I'm going to have to keep an eye on, one more little box to tic on a very long list of my own maintenance chores I seem to be letting slide a lot more these days. Anyway, if some of you are running into missing images, that's probably it, at least I hope so. If not, several thousand images going back to 2004 might be turning into little empty boxes for some other unfathomable reason, but the Lexx stuff seems to be intact, and I'm assuming that's because most of that stuff is housed in a public folder.
This last week was my first full week in 2017 without a major pain or med challenge and it was pretty wonderful (especially considering how well I'm doing on one of my worst allergy months). I did what most people do given a chance to actually enjoy time passing- chillaxed. It's not often I can just hang around doing nothing, so I relished it a bit. Well, actually, I got busy on a long neglected project I started 2 months ago in Mo Creatures, a very dangerous 3D sculpt that requires my full attention because it's so easy to fall and die and then have to run around looking for all my stuff while I fight critters below... Anyway, my sculpt seems to be attracting the pertinent critter to spontaneously spawn really high up, so now it's even more dangerous. Cool, huh? This will eventually become a giant spider web. I'm tickled that it might have real spiders on it. No idea if the sticky webs I placed encouraged this one to show up. I reap those with a shearing scissor from mineshafts deep underground because they're cool and fun to play with.
You noticed, right? A giant spider web where the brain would be behind the glasses... Because I'm on the webs, and other deep stuff. I have way too much fun being literal with my creative side, I think. Most people stop at words like 'bizarre' before they run along.
I also spent a little time doing more exploring. One of my fave things to do is just run and see. No map mods, no waypoints. Just run. Players on the server have no idea I'm probably the only person there who's taken a real cartography class and had to make a real map. I love maps. But real freedom is tossing the map and just running. Or swimming. Lotta swimming.
I know, I'm still using super default. I'm mod-free except for the server load. If you guys could see what I see in my head both on and off the server, you'd never look at mod packs the same way again. If the question ever comes up what alien or synthetic life form I find myself most attracted to and feel akin to, it's always been V'Ger, kinda lost inside and needing to find a way to reach out and communicate. I'm simple on the outside. Inside are wonders only I ever get to see. I can definitively say we are not our brains. It's like we're seatbelted into automated super computers and don't have a clue. I've actually been able to watch mine work, and I'm pretty sure some kind of self awareness goes down to the cellular level, but very unlike our kind of self awareness. Being human, a conscious entity governing a whole self-correcting universe of cohesive units acting in tandem for our every whim in order for us to emotionally and spiritually learn things without having to be too distracted by overlording the physical, is something my actual brain can't even conceive, yet makes possible for me to think about. If we could turn ourselves inside out and really see who we are, we are like V'Ger, clouds of being around tiny organisms that we feel trapped in sometimes. And we use layers upon layers of thoughts and simulations and presentations and art and stories to fathom what being is. The bonds we form in life are so different from chemical bonds in our bodies, and feel so much more important.
And it's funny how we need to invent things like V'Ger and minecraft to keep perpetuating the depth of simulations running in our minds, and nearly every bit of it is how it relates to our own being. Once in awhile I step out past that part (did it way more as a kid), really let go of the human connection and let the simulations about how everything works just run on and on, watch the mysteries unfold, go so deep I forget I'm even human in a body on a world and eventually come back very surprised, going oh yeah. As far as I can tell, the only way I can know for sure this particular experience world is 'real' is because pain is nearly the only thing that keeps pulling me back to it before it pushes me back out again, and I always come back to this body, this life, no matter how many thousands of other places and life simulations I get lost in. This one is important. This is the one where the people I love can actually love me back. I'm not making it up in my head.
#transparency I've really lived like this my whole life. I've briefly touched this level in The Unstuck Pinky.
I took a big bad break from thinking this month. It's been marvelous.
Well, I actually did some big deep thinking about structure. One of the real challenges on multiplayer server is other people getting to judge your builds- taste and style, use of textures and colors, traditional vs modernism kind of stuff. It's a really big deal to build something over 100 blocks high without flying or hovering. I've seen really nice builds that took up thousands of square blocks and awesome perfection that used only a few. I want to express things in a quietly unique way, and they're sort of turning into cool 'bizarre'. I'm not sure how to get with the program, but I know what I like, and what I like is apparently really hard and challenging to do. I'm not satisfied with throwing up a build a week and then moving on. No, I'm moving a million blocks around and I will get what I want to do it even if I have to grind through farming 10,000 pumpkins to sell at market. Whatever mods and architects do, I can do, too, without super powers and years of experience.
Also, big changes. Since I'm sleeping the way I'm supposed to now, I very rarely wake up in the middle of dreams any more and have mostly stopped remembering them, but there was one this week that turned my head. It was a spider dream deluxe, just loads and loads of all kinds of spiders everywhere. They weren't exaggerated like in shows, just lots of them. In my house. They had completely taken over my house (all kinds, everything thick with spiders), and I was complaining to @bonenado that if he didn't get his pets out, I'd be bringing in some snakes. (He hates snakes.) What really struck me about that dream was I went about like normal with spiders all around me, wasn't afraid or repulsed, didn't feel sick or upset, and I didn't kill any of them.
So now I'm asking myself what spiders really mean to me psychologically. And they must mean something because I've been working on a story with spiders in it, and I really hope it's cool enough for other people to like.
But that's on the side kind of stuff. I'm on the other end of a grueling month in physical therapy, and I think I'm going to be ok. I can't even begin to share how hard living with this pain in a nearly lifelong traumatic injury has been, shoving through years with no hope of relief, and the near shock of finally arriving to a place where that was all a bad dream. Just writing those last 12 words made me tear up.
I *am* in a sort of shock and haven't felt like talking. At all. This month has been the most quiet I have been on the internet since 2012. I expected all my stuff to crash. My klout is still 60, twitter says I got 3K impressions last week (did I even make 20 tweets?), blogger says facebook is my biggest reader push and I don't have that many friends, so...
2017 flipped on me the first month in, and it's about to flip again. I can do this.
By the way, did you guys watch The Flash musical last night? I was dying. Except Barry can really dance, *wow*. But the singing- no. No mas. Yes, it was hella cute, yes it actually moved me to tears by that one scene, yes everything was spot on, but a musical... 😑 *no*.
I dreamed last night that we could buy CDs of everything we could remember about something. I was in a building that had everything I'd ever seen from 5th grade up to 9th grade spread out all over tables, kind of like walking around an indoor yard sale. Tables and tables full of papers full of everything we'd said in hallway conversations in between classes, full of pictures of us sitting in classes and doing P.E. and going to lunch, full of people walking around looking for the bits they'd been part of. But in case you couldn't hang around for very long, you could buy the CDs with all your memories printed out on them.
one of our mutual friends was a cartoonist
circa 8th grade
I don't know if I'm ready for this yet. It's been a year now since I started melting apart wondering what was wrong with me, just over 7 months since I publicly confessed what it was.
It is really hard glancing down a page about the survivor when your best friend was the one who didn't make it. That's as far as I made it this morning. I'm glad the book is out now, I'm glad it's all being told in interviews, but I can't watch that. Maybe it's good I dreamed about my memories, though. I'm finding it very interesting that this dream popped up right after my big house-tree-person self psyche analysis about building a house in minecraft.
The location for my house is high on a plateau that runs under a huge mountainous archway that opens out onto a flat stone plateau overlooking a beautiful hidden valley with a dolphin pond. I set up base camp, and then dug into one side of the archway to create the first room. This is the result so far of the very first thing I've incorporated into my 'house'.
Yes, my first actual room is a take on Dr. Evil's conference room with a spider spawner room under glass. The shark tank is just outside the conference room. I'm only getting started, guys. A psyche analyst would note that the mobs (bad memories) were retained behind glass for preservation instead of being dealt with and purged. I did get the loot out of the chests, though, all I had to do was break the blocks directly behind them to open them up and clean them out.
Imagine me writing a book about all the monsters in my life, shutting down and becoming one myself, walking among the underworld with other monsters, and coming back out so wrecked up that it's taken years to learn how to tell the stories. Minecraft is sort of like putting your stuff on display in a virtual mind palace. That empty conference room is the staff I wish I had, I think. I've got the material. I've got the stories, but I hid deep in bunkers and base camps (blogs) for years and when the biggest story really did come out, it missed what I had to say.
Well... I'm still going to say it, and a lot of other things, too.
Finding out chickens go to hell. Not cool. At least they don't burn up.
I got lost for several hours in hell yesterday. I had to be transported back to the portal before I could run out of there. Don't worry, got a lot of work done while I was stuck in there.
I've decided not to tamper yet with Pinky font settings because my twitter does the same thing. Besides, I'm wading through several different projects that I need to stay focused on.
If you guys knew what was in that folder you'd gasp and feel shaky with me at the could have been. I would have cried. This folder is more irreplaceable than the 197 files I lost last fall.
I grabbed other stuff in between the manic cleaning out drawers thing and washing #allthethings and working on words thing. This morning has been all about prepping files for a special documentary later.
I can't tell you yet where this one was taken (HAD to get a selfie), but I had a thought- wouldn't it be cool if we could go into /gamemode 1 in real life and not have a problem with racism and orientation differences? We could all chill and take selfies without all that crap in the way. Anyway, it's a tossup between little nerdy guys and bad boyz (little nerdy bad boy combo is perfect, like @bonenado), but this hellboy is one of my favorites.
I seem to have a pet spider. Or maybe I am his pet. I was actually very surprised to see spiders and endermen (endermans?) show up there (spoilers), but I'm told it can just happen.
Yesterday I got a private lesson on redstone, capacitors, laying out and concealing power lines, and pistons while I was cooking supper. (lol, I'm so savvy. New Food Network challenge- cook real food while you're building cool stuff on minecraft.) Not sure when I'll get to my own devious experimentations, but I loved slamming through a live tutorial out on a real field trip. It was like being back in college.
Also watched Kai test out a couple new zombie traps. PETA would have fits if they knew. I got caught in this one later and couldn't get out at all, was awesome. Had to /gamemode 3 in the middle of 20 drowning zombies just to escape.
That poor villager. I almost felt bad for him. Every time I walked around and looked at him through the glass he looked so sad and pleaded with me to save his life while Kai tossed swords down to the zombies. That one sword looks like a chainsaw.
We need marshmallows. I'm surprised minecraft doesn't support wiener roasts.
Actually slept last night, yay! Woke up to views going off the hook again here, bots can't explain it all away. Closing my eyes. Stepping back. I've never been affected by my blog traffic before. I've had some private counseling on it this winter. Psyching up to stop cringing and just get the f#@k out there. I can do this.
Plz to forgive me for weirdness, I'm trying to readjust my blogger template column widths, and search says the average laptop is over 1300 across now. I've got it set at 1200, which is allowing bigger sized pix now, but if you're on a tablet or older tech, I may have just mangled Pinky blog for you. It's also not helping that my new windows 10 settings in combination with my chrome sync are showing me several different things and I don't have a clue if I'm smooshing my columns for some of you. I'd love to think your tech will sort it all out, but mine actually overlaps the columns a bit if the pix are too big. Too many words already, let's go!
My day-
Woke up to a spider over my bed. It's cool, though. I think it takes the place of coffee. Not that there's any shortage of coffee beans here, but I'm still having difficulty with the idea of coffee I can't actually drink. Some day when we get brain chips, I'm sure I'll enjoy minecraft coffee very much.
This is the first face I see when I wake because my love is already gone to work.
Guess what her name is. That's right, lol. And she's a bossy nag, fussing at me continually for not staying home more and helping with the dishes and sweeping and stuff. Naturally, I run away as quickly as I can because her breath is atrocious and I find her unibrow deeply disturbing.
This is what I see when I look out my bedroom window. That is where Kai goes to work. Sometimes he works all night long. Maybe another day I'll show you his work.
Most days I get into some kind of trouble. Yesterday I sent a sheep on a roller coaster ride. Last week a spider took a ride, it was pretty funny. I didn't have my camera with me that day.
Last night I got my staircase of satan built, going up the hill to the temple and the portal to hell.
This guy inspired the whole thing. Possibly NSFW for language.
I'm still a noob so I stay in /gamemode 1. I have developed a false sense of bravery that I'm sure will quickly dissipate, but for now I get off on creepy stare downs with the locals.
The pond of death has exuberantly evolved. A creeper got caught and went down like flushing a toilet. Wasn't fast enough with the camera.
Today I explored an underground cave network for 45 minutes. That's a euphemistic way to say I got super lost. I had the wits to set up beacons at every twist and turn so I'd know where I'd been, but after awhile I realized I was going in wider and wider circles and never coming back to the original opening. Eventually I facepalmed and remembered /gamemode 3 and flew outa there, but not before this dork freaked me right out of my Galaxie Gurl skin. Worst. Nightmare. Ever.
While I was down there I ran into a million zombies huddled around this poor little guy. Pretty sure they were making bets before I scattered them.
One of these days I'll find that huge cavern again, big enough to build a cave house. Maybe I'll attract bats to a belfry or something.
All that exploration really wore me out. Well, I'm sure it was my long week in town on top of recovering from this nasty chest cold, but you know what I mean. My brain is coming back though, worked on several different projects today.
In a very healing place in my head now. I was needing this so bad.
While the rest of you were watching TV last night, I was yapping privately with someone on the other side of the globe about film production. Don't get excited, we don't have the money. Yet. Not sure if we ever will, but I'm working on it. @bonenado says if we ever get that kind of money HE isn't wasting it on a filming budget, and I just laughed and walked away. He takes me so seriously, cracks me up. And after that I jumped into iframes tutorials until I couldn't focus any more and then first thing this morning jumped right back into them. I've been resisting iframes for years, even tried to hack my own facebook like button together when facebook was in the middle of converting all their widget gears, nearly succeeded in hacking together my own widgetbox and now I really wish I had saved all that code jumble I was working on because widgetbox went under AFTER I finally caved and paid for one. Widgetbox was the most brilliant thing I'd ever seen, like thumbing through a whole library of stuff in one little place without having to click to see it first.
I tore myself away and scrambled some eggs with ham and cheese for Scott. His big stuff today involves a deer stand, cleaning out the Quackerdome for storage, and crunching through all the yard work he can before the big chill hits. Polar Vortex to Blast 200 Million People with Arctic Air I may need to take inventory and plan out a shopping trip that will allow me to sit in the house for 2-3 weeks and WORKWORKWORK. I used to love getting out in the cold, now temp changes stepping in and out of the house destroy me, so I plan smart. I live too far out of town proper to be preheating my vehicle every other day so I can run around making myself miserable. It looks like I have till Tuesday to get a giant shopping trip done before we're talking parkas, gloves, scarves, and freezing air induced asthma. I'm hearing rumors that we'll have a burrito tomorrow so mama can work overtime, so maybe I can wrap up an old minor project today that's been on the back burner before I walk away from the laptop. Her Turkey Trot outfit arrived in the mail yesterday, and I've already wiped out Walmart stock on size 18 month cable knit tights to wear under everything, I think we've about this kid ready for the Arctic blast.
This really does get me concerned, so I did a search on 'Do we really swallow spiders in our sleep?' and got this. I feel much better now.
