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Tuesday, September 13, 2016

"Today is a pain day."

Dragging myself back to the keyboard and making myself keep moving through the sludge that stops me sometimes. There is a thing I never look at. I see other people stop and look at their stuff and fall apart, but I flog myself with so much expectation and distraction that I just never see what's all around me.

I'm on an empty plain. There is nothing on the horizon. The weather is dull. There is nothing behind me but difficult rocks and the same boring ground that I've been trudging on for miles and miles and miles my whole life.

There are mountains all around me. There is crazy weather and silky moonlight and sometimes people to talk to.

I keep walking across the plain. I don't even know if there is an across. It's just always this. I'd like to keep myself busy with things to do while I walk, but there is nothing here.

I'm flying over the mountains and listening to music while I do something fun. I'm getting piles of stuff done and I feel good about being a force in the world around me.

I stop walking once in awhile and look around. The sky is dull with nothing in it. The ground is always the same thin grass, the same rocks, the same bits of mud and dirt.

I'm always moving, always thinking, always being. I never stop. There is so much to do and say and think about.

I stumble a lot, but it doesn't matter. This flat world will never end. I'll always be on this plain, never knowing what direction I'm facing or if I'll ever be anywhere else.

Sometimes I look down and see a tiny little dot far below. I can't see anything about the dot except that it moves a very tiny bit once in awhile. It never seems to get anywhere. I don't know why I look at it.

Sometimes I look up at the sky and wish I could see something different, something flying over me that could really see me. I'm just alone on a plain where nothing happens except me wondering if my stumbling will ever lead to anywhere. I don't know if anything else even exists.

I forget about the dot and don't see it again for a long time. I don't like looking at the dot. I feel sad when I look down at it for some reason.

Once in awhile, like every thousand years or so it seems, I feel a whoosh and realize I really am here on an empty plain in an empty world and I start to cry. I know no one will ever see me cry, and it breaks my heart.

I wonder if the dot can see or hear me at all.

I look around and I never see anyone or anything, and I can't bear it. I don't know how to keep walking across an empty plain under a dull sky where nothing ever happens and I never get anywhere.

I fly away and do terrible things to imaginary snakes and monsters that hurt people. I drift into other souls and feel how hard life is. I don't know why they don't look around and see all this cool stuff around us.

It's not real. Nothing is real.

I wonder if that dot is even real. I can barely see it.

If I could wish for anything, it would be that I could close my eyes and open them and I wouldn't be on this plain any more.

I don't know why this thought is popping into my mind that there is no plain. It feels important, but I can't find where it's coming from.

Somebody get me.

I see a little dot on my arm and I tell it everything is going to be ok, and I carry it away into a beautiful sky over a wild mountain range and show it the neat dreams it's having so it won't cry.




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