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Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Mary Sue, or, the fastest romance novelette ever written

He was a dark romance novelist consumed with the twisted vagaries of pride, lust, and greed.

She was a gamer adrenaline junkie with a passion for midnight raids, thrashings, and wails of anguish.

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

Friends had set them up. Of course, because neither one would have met anyone on their own. No, they each had to be dragged nearly kicking and screaming out of their safe zones. Watching them blinking in the light like they'd just lit on a new planet was delightful.

Pulling them into a dive took planning. There was no way they'd walk in together of their own volition, right? So we had to trick them in, and time it so they wouldn't bump into each other in the doorway or even out in the parking lot. All it would take was one look at each other and both would drop everything and flee.

We had the table ready. The place was dark, tiny candles, loud music, the perfect place for an ambush. Clyde walked in with him and took a long circuit around by the bathrooms, Michelle walked in with her and basically just dragged her to the booth and pushed her in, squashing quickly in after her before she could hesitate and look too hard at the seat cushion. With a whoosh, Clyde had him careening in the other side and blocked all getaway with a hard thunk of his own butt onto the seat, deftly picking up the menu like he had no idea what he just did.

She froze. He froze. They both died inside a few times and started glancing around like wild critters caught in traps. The waitress came, Clyde took over, Michelle chimed in, and not a word escaped from the catches in either his or her throats. They were miserably caught up in 'dinner out' and resigned to their situation almost in tandem, sinking back into their seats.

They were made for each other.

Ten years later, they've got 3 kids, 2 dogs, no one's quite sure how many cats have come and gone, but the turtle and the rabbit are firm friends, and the arguments over whether or not they can get a ferret or a snake is always put off with "Let's wait till next year" or "Maybe when you get your grades up."


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