-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Sunday, August 28, 2016

dropping a couple of chainsaws

Ah, autumn Sundays are back, that time of year when even the most expensive network router can't pull in enough juice across a state forest to handle both football and minecraft. Pinky blog it is, then. And yes, I'm aware that I'm procrastinating getting my team set up and the draft is in 3 days. I'll be there.

Last couple of days have been about finding out how much I can actually handle when I think I'm hitting walls. I've plowed down so many walls in the last 48 hours.

Lotta change coming.

1- MoC (naturally, bcuz server upgrade)
2- permanent work station for mobile office
3- fall syllabus (nearly set)
4- work priorities
 a) physical health
 b) mental health
 c) family health
 d) workout discipline
 e) writing discipline
 in that order.
5- social media

I've come to realize that in order for my entire Plan to remain go, I need to stay focused on my own stuff. I've written about this before, and over time I think I've done pretty well steering and navigating. Part of that is letting go of notifications. That does NOT mean letting go of friends. I'm not ignoring anyone, and still make my lurking rounds when I get free moments. Just keeping my balance. Aaaaaand losing internet. *trying to stay patient*

I'm not a big fan of circuses, but I do remember being enraptured by the Flying Wallendas, and I was a huge Gunther Gebel-Williams fan, who I've seen in live performance. I mention this because my life often feels like a 3-ring circus, as they say. I'm good at coordinating when need arises because I'm good at chucking my own stuff aside. Life flings stuff, I jump in and start dodging and flinging back. I may not be able to handle as much as I used to in some ways, but in other ways I handle so much more way more gracefully. Life is a big dance, all the things weaving in and out, and if you want to stay in the dance, you've gotta know when to step out for a breather and when to launch back in.

I say all this tongue firmly planted in cheek, because I used to get very emotional over every disturbance in the force and spent years learning how to adult without feeling frustrated all the time. Once I was diagnosed autism spectrum, all became clear, and I chillaxed. I am the way I am, and the way I deal is by consciously choosing to prioritize importance (yes, like a robot, lotta yes-no pathways filtering down to decision making), and last few years I'm getting better at this being human thing. It's a matter of juggling eggs and chainsaws and knowing when to let something drop. I don't have to keep #allthethings going all the time. I'm super hard on myself, and more of a perfectionist than my life actually looks, so this letting go thing is really hard, especially the #epicfail and #facepalm parts. Pinky blog has been a good float device through all the stuff.

I keep running into other writers blogging at length about how they do this or that to stimulate their writing, but they never talk about the real life behind it. Like, I'm writing in a coffee shop because the environment here is so conducive to mental energy (but I'm not mentioning the part about being so terribly lonely that I feel paralyzed at home by myself), or like writing about writer's block (omg, I so envy anyone who has a real desk that never gets disturbed by anyone other than a cat), or like lengthy prose about style vs rulz vs audience vs personal feelings about character development (plz to go water some tomatoes or something, you really need to get out of that chair), but I so rarely run into actual writers (aka people who call themselves writers) writing about REAL LIFE. (Please note that dumping emotions on a blog or the medias isn't the same as 'writing', just as stomping around or throwing things or banging heads against walls isn't the same thing as exercising.)

We all know what writing *is*- avoiding dealing with something else. Ultimately, writing isn't any different from reading or watching TV or gaming (distraction), but it's something we do alone. The difference is that we torture ourselves entertaining other people. Writing is a performance art. We can't help it, it's what we do, whether it's a hobby or compulsion or successful sales. Some of us pour our souls into words and then other people eat it up, just like artists pour their souls into visual or sound. Writing can get a little weird, sorta feeling like taking one's mental clothing off in a spotlight. Everyone has their own kind of pole dance, casual or formal, soft lighting or strobe, but it's still a 'look at me' thing (as is any form of art), and we don't have to apologize for expressing ourselves.

Keep in mind that expression is not the same as interaction. I put social media at the bottom of my change list. It is low priority right now, and may be for awhile. I'll still engage 'out there', and I still think social media is awesome, but some of you have watched me come through a very long year of psyche analysis. I think my share level needs to tighten up a little since sharing something privately wound up crossing medias into a public tag. I take responsibility for that, my bad. If I'm asking for discretion, then I need to be the one clamming up.

You guys know I'm home alone a LOT. I mentioned getting a cat to @bonenado. Foot down, absolutely not. This isn't negotiable, and I don't resent it. I'm allergic to dogs, I can't have chickens any more on this property, and we don't have free money to support any other kind of pet investment. We've been on a financial brink for several years, the kids have kids now, and I'm thrilled I have working tech way out here in Mirkwood, so this is more about me keeping myself occupied. Unfortunately, I don't seem to balance social media and work very well, so I'm still ironing out how to be public and go under at the same time.

I hear protesters saying "Yeah, but minecraft..." That game has done more good fixing glitchy brain pathways than anything else I've ever done since 2004. I have nothing but praise for a multiplayer server that brings together the physically disabled and the mentally ill and gives us a place to be part of group networks learning to work and play together in an environment that focuses us outward into creativity that requires planning and even strategy. I've discussed before how minecraft is helping my time and space orientation, which is crucial to me being able to continue driving and shopping in real life. Real life application is what makes minecraft top priority in that list up there.

And now it's getting me through a rough weekend. Kai and I are practicing survival in a personal realm, getting ready for the big sprint through the newly updated MoC server when it opens up. @bonenado is already calling it the Oklahoma land rush. We'll get in 'ground floor' and work our butts off building enough material wealth to warp trade into cash flow so we can stake a land claim. It's a big commitment and we'll be an awesome team. We hope a few moc friends at least jump back in to help us gain claim rights, even if they don't play much, but getting the main claim is the biggie.

You guys didn't see me getting up 20 times through all this to do stuff. And then walking off for awhile. Need to get this outa my way now. Quick, look over there!

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