-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Monday, April 13, 2015

self consumed egomaniac

Most of my life has been spent in an extreme lack of self awareness, so I never expected to hear words like 'narcissism' and 'exhibitionism' from assessment professionals, even long before I started blogging publicly. What used to be considered flaunting has become a vital self selling skill during my lifetime, and as this goes against every grain in my natural born Mennonite background and Asperger's diagnosis, I've worked very hard over the last ten years to overcome the inhibition against sharing myself to the world.

I have an edge, thank goodness. Stage fright means nothing to me, because I can't see myself. I seem to have been born without an inherent self-correcting feedback system that helps me socially map where to fit, how to behave, when to prompt, why a cue is important, all lending to a bungling social klutziness that makes the rest of you seem like idiots in my straightforward black and white world. Learning that my egocentric tunnel vision has likely been my strongest ally in surviving abuses and neglect was eye opening. Basically, I have survived rather intact because I'm too socially stupid to get it.

Hang on, we need a big-word break. Where did I put the latest motivational poster I found? Here we go, click this for gigantic, in case you need inspirational wallpaper.

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Everything I am doing online is for me. It started a long time ago with boredom and massive amounts of pain, and if I couldn't find something to amuse myself, I created what I wished was out there. Back then I never thought about who could see what I was doing, didn't care if I got comments and usually turned them off, and more or less giggled my way through the neverending internet gif joke, stickman death, Easter bunny zombie creations on deviantart, and practically absorbed youtube into my brain like an amoeba sucks little dots into itself.

My turn. I'm not good at all that stuff, so sometimes I felt sad that I couldn't add to the things I so much enjoyed. What I'm really good at is being irritating. I love to pull a string here, flicker a flame with my breath there, watch other people come alive when I touch them. I suppose after a lifetime of reclusing like a hermit, it's good to feel like part of the human race on our special little planet.

I've been extra special weird this month. My hardcore lurkers are probably picking up on the encryptions, easter eggs, and operatic formula, the rest of you are lost. I usually make it easy- you come and go as you please, not a big deal if you miss something. Not this month.

As I was working out a new writing style last year for my actual BOOK (no, it's still not done yet), I lightly bemoaned to myself how much more fun a book would be if it could be more interactive, like I make my blogs. Well, guess what- I'm apparently pre-interactive. When the book comes out with its own encrypted sections, they will tie in directly to my blogs. Does this mean the reader must work harder? NO! This means the book will also contain easter eggs, and readers who have gone on this journey with me all these years (yes, believe it or not, a handful of my lurkers go way back, and no, they're not family or friends) will have ohhhh moments as they read, remembering stuff I'd hinted at in blogs now being hinted back at in the book, put the them together and voila, mysteries solved.

Don't worry, the blogs and book will still be able to remain standalone for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about. You know, stuff that happened long ago in a far away land, rippling up spacetime and tearing up lives.

However, since I've wrung this latest epiphany half to death lately, I'll most likely be going back to the regular blogging as a distraction thing while I work privately underground. I'll end now with a brief power point back into real life, real time. Thanks again to everyone who has checked in keeping up with all this. MWAH, love you!

No, I'm still not sleeping. The night before last was a fluke, apparently.

My eyes are making little picket signs.

My house is full of baby cave crickets.

I'm still in love with Sherlock. I know! Sherlock!!! I'm still as stunned by this as you are. Fans are so adorable. If you need some really fun vids today, I piled some up yesterday. You're welcome.


  1. I have been blogging for as long as I can remember. Even if I don't post stuff, I'm typically still writing or jotting down ideas. At first it was to clear my head and organize my thoughts, but now I write just so I can remember stuff. Brain damage of 2011 destroyed my ability to remember stuff. I love my smartphone because I can take pictures of anything and everything, and I can write wherever is convenient. Anyway, my point is, blogging is cool.

    1. =) Some people laugh at bloggers, but I can't say enough for the skill set I've grown over time putting my thoughts into order. I have also been through brain recovery from a virus hitting my central nervous system. I can't imagine never being able to get back what I lost during that time. Thank goodness for writing things down! <3