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Monday, July 25, 2016

braincation


I think it's time to admit I've been stalled in a deep funk about my writing for the last 9 months. It's still creeping along, just not going public. I noticed I went through a series of phases about it, like denial and displacement and all that, but I'm sort of coming to embrace that this Year of Suck (which is a double whammy because I was looking forward to it for so long) is a thing I don't need to pretend isn't happening or apologize for or fret about messing up plans or whatever. It's very simply just what it is, a year of suck. I can only apologize to people who've asked me to write for them, and people who wait for more installments in other places.

I'm so very tired. My pain has been increasing for months (that's a good thing, means nervous system is healing), I'm worn out from handling years of so much stuff for other people, I'm finally starting to SLEEP regularly (I hadn't done that in 20 years), and I think my body has taken the bit and said NO MAS to the ol' brain. No more wild exuberance at 4 a.m., no more juggling 5 projects and an ADHD child, no more super me being there for everyone while I'm micro scheduling nutrition and rest and I'm the spooniest one handling all this stuff. No. More. Till. I've. Had. Some. Real. Rest.

I think I'm going to spend my week with the laptop unplugged and see what happens. This means no facebook messaging (don't get that on my phone, guys), no blog updating, no minecraft, no research and studying, no checking on things...

I've processed a lot of stuff this year. Just loads. Getting an adjustment disorder with anxious mood diagnosis last fall after finally processing stuff from years before probably means I'm still processing. I was so super trained through childhood and an abusive first marriage to simply shut down that it's taking years to get it all opened back up and dealt with. I've been through days that have felt so excruciating that I'm not sure how I even keep breathing.

I think what I'm realizing is, I can't just keep pushing through it. I'm stuck in it, I need to let it keep processing. I've been going through mini-shutdowns over and over, thinking in black and white terms, but the middle ground might be just walking away from public for a few days and hopefully not panic about missing all the neat stuff going on out there. Distraction, while very helpful during intense days, is a shutdown vehicle, and something is trying really hard to coming through my heart and soul right now. Now that I know I'm handling the neurontin ok and have private touchbase in place, I think I need to step back and let it on through.

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