-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Tuesday, July 19, 2016

if you could see the dots

I generally don't care about impressions because I still think they're just a 'possibility' count and not actual 'eyes on', but I really like that my July top media tweet has passed my June top media tweet. These snips click back to source tweets, which don't have the pic addy in them.

June- Remember, this is during a live tweet of the hottest show on TV.

July- This is ME. My own stuff, not a live tweet, just me, and more likely had eyes on actual tweet. The tweet that followed it giving actual location link to the post got 148 impressions and some sweet stats on my blog that day, which means impressions translated to engagement.

Again, impressions means "Exposure is the total number of times tweets about the search term were delivered to Twitter streams, or the number of overall potential impressions generated. When we say "impression", we mean that a tweet has been delivered to the Twitter stream of a particular account."

It's not anywhere near the most viewed post I've made, but I think speaks well for what I'm doing.

Why is this important? Because as much as I write, and as much as I've shared about my stuff, I still have days where I believe this public hanging on and moving forward is just a hokey game I made up that really doesn't mean anything and it would be so easy to let it all go and just never share any more. It would be so easy to slip away and never notice the effect of leaving it all behind.

But I know better. I've left it all behind before. I've seen the numbers jump up and down, I've seen years of dots pop up on maps, I've seen what I know is out there- lurkers looking for something to hang onto. And I am one of you.

I know there are loads of you out there that will never make real contact, never let anyone know you're on the webs looking for people and watching them live their days, never say "I love you" and "Thank you" and "I miss you" because you're afraid or too sad or don't believe they'll care. But you know what? They lurk you back. I know I have old friends out there who check on me, just like I check on them. I finally found someone yesterday who stayed underground for years, and I just want to say I love that cute house, the flowers, the scrapbooking (such an artist!), and I'm sorry I was so dumb years ago. Yes, I know, that person might never see that sentence with over 700 posts on Pinky blog now, but at least I said it, and it's important because she's a real life person who was there for me in real life and you know me, I suck as a friend.

I finally found a couple of other people, too, from high school. I'm pretty sure they'd have no idea who I am on the webs, but they were nice to me (that's actually pretty rare in my real life), and it was nice finally finding them and seeing they're ok and have families and other things going on. I still haven't found this guy yet. This is the guy I faked a date in high school with (my only date in my entire public school career) so his mom would back off, and he told me I have good lips for lipstick (which eventually inspired my 100 Girly Questions Survey).

I'm all nostalgic since I started the neurontin. This is day 11, and it seems like all these people are popping up in my head now like I wanna go back and give them hugs and stuff. Life is hard, some of us got through some weird stuff together, and our moments are unique to us. We lived on the same earth in the same space and shared the same time, and none of that is gone. For some reason, the neurontin is making it all fresh again, and I'm seeing things through much older eyes and wondering how in the world I got this far at all, and maybe I was just really really lucky to have these people in my life when I did. Or blessed, however you want to look at it.

Some of us have only one or two real friends at a time, and it's excruciating to go through life changes and lose friends, for whatever reason. It's important that we don't let go thinking we have no friends. They're still out there, wondering about us. Maybe they can't see us or find us, and maybe we can't see them or find them, but that doesn't mean someone isn't thinking about you right now. Don't let depression lie and tell you no one ever does.

We don't always make it easy for people to check in with us. Life is busy, schedules are all over the map, tiffs and disagreements make things weird, and we kinda hide so we don't get shoes thrown at our heads and stuff. (Some of us step out and throw shoes and duck back in, that's kind of a bad habit.) But there are sparkly dots out there on our earth in our time who really do think about us, just like we think about them.

I have a revolver map at Lexxperience.com. I've never put one on Pinky blog because I know some of you really like your privacy, but guys, this blog gets 3 times the traffic that fan blog does (revolver maps only shows about a tenth of all time views blogger says I have, which means repeat readers, which is really super good), from all over the world, people who know me from fandoms and social medias and real people I know and just lots and lots of dots. I know what I'm saying about lurkers. If I can get that many dots being a weirdo, imagine what you would get if you opened up being a real person with a real life for your friends and families to check on. I mean within reason, right? There are so many of you following me who live with depression like I do who don't believe people care because someone isn't responding or commenting or checking in asking how's it going, but if you could see the dots... You would know people really do check on you. Facebook and twitter don't let you see that. Just because people don't jump when you update, don't ever believe other people don't care.

If you make it hard for people to find you or be part of your life by forcing them to out themselves just to see what you're doing, you will always wonder why people "don't care". People read Pinky blog all the time, and barely a soul ever 'replies' to me about the content in private, no one carries it into convo elsewhere, and for all intents and purposes, it would seem like my content is being ignored outright by people I care about the most, but it's not. I give people their right to privacy by not forcing them to interact. I get the whole incognito thing we all live with, the masks we keep in place, keeping the inner turmoils separated from the outer interactions. Sometimes crossing those streams just winds up with a lot of really misunderstood and very hurt feelings.

Pinky blog is like a present to people. I don't know how else to be good for people or be there for those I care about, so I do what I can with Pinky blog. I've been very surprised this is what it's turned into, because this wasn't part of the original plan coming back out public, and yet this is the most successful thing I've ever done. Being real is the most important thing I've ever done on the internet. I'm very thankful every day I'm part of a group of good people who help model that online.

Honesty- I'm having my typical heat index headache on top of a seasonal allergy surge. I'm already taking what meds I can, so I just have to deal. I'm going to put on a little music and go work on today's chore list. Hugs to all you guys who are having trouble dealing right now.

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  1. You've said it all. There's little to add. It's comforting to think that people might get as nostalgic about me as I get about them. I didn't think they cared. Thanks. :)