embracing my sea

click for more hipster Jon

So this new BP med actually has a strong "nightmares" notation because it crosses the blood-brain barrier. So far they're not actually nightmares, but the dreams are extremely vivid. Last night I was in Mo Creatures running around (literally, in the game), and I paused by one particular very large wall face that happened when admin moved one of my claims from Haven to Valhalla, beautifully flat and tall and perfectly placed for a mural, and then the whole dream turned into Jon Snow discovering cement (imagine how thrilling GoT would be if it could be LARPed out in 3D minecraft) and Sansa wrangling with whether to have her men dig deep shafts to periodically throw someone into with a load of cement. Like Lord Baelish.

Ok, that was fun, accidentally published this already. Fumble finger hit tab and next thing you know I was ripping through the schedule widget without realizing it. Those of you who get emails, sorry about that. Live blogging.

So Bae is a creepy guy. When I got to the part about putting him in cement, I was actually jumping in with pointers on how to maximize one's cement shafting pleasures and showing Sansa how to use mode 3 (spectator) to float through the cement and see the bodies. We can't really use mode 3 on Mo Creatures, but we aren't leveled up for cement, either, so it was a really exciting dream. I was kinda sad when I woke up.

I've been having some fun with extra joint pain all over my body this year, especially feet, and last night one of my feet ramped up into #alltheattention, and then I remembered having eaten a can of tuna, which I rarely do. Ah-HA! I think I can put a finger on the problem now. If you guys don't know the gout diet, there you go. My dad is a very healthy Mennonite and still gets gout really bad, and we had to really sit on him one year to stop eating so much purine rich food. I've completely stopped sending him smoked salmon for Christmas, which makes him sad. Anyway, apparently I'm genetically predisposed and extremely dependent on dairy for my protein intake, and when I deviate into enjoying beef and fish, I sometimes hurt all over. There's nothing I can do about it, and I know better. And yesterday I ate a can of tuna. My bad. But at least now I have some kind of clue why 2017 has been a bit suckier.

I wanna thank a couple people who kept me from totally freaking out yesterday about my kid and her kid being right in the middle of Houston. I managed to get through the weekend ok (my blood pressure was off the wall) and even got through Monday in fairly good shape, but yesterday I maxed out and hit the ol' wall like a bug, splatting my upsettedness around. I personally know a couple of people who've completely lost homes, know a number more who are either displaced or hanging tough swimming around their houses, and having been around a few neighborhoods down there in person, it's really hard to watch it on TV without eventually being knocked over with the fact that it will never be the same again. Even though all those people are actually ok and safe, their homes are ruined and their lives will be upside down the rest of the year, maybe much longer. When your bank and post office and work are all under water, what do you do? When your power is out and there is no plumbing and you can't just hop in your car and fill up with gas, what do you do? It'll be a long time before all that gets back to normal.

I don't know how, because in years and storms past my kiddo's house has had water lap up to the door and knock (hi, may I come in?), but this year they are somehow in the middle of a very small dry patch and even still have power. HOW? I don't know. But we all know that doesn't mean everything is fine and dandy. Schools are out, work is flooded, power could still go out any time, mosquitoes are about to become a huge problem, and all the spiders and snakes are probably finding their way to the little island they're on, doesn't that sound fun.

Need to get my focus back on. I'm with you in my heart.

narratives

I don't take naps, she thought bitterly.
I don't take naps, she thought sadly.
I don't take naps, she thought triumphantly.

Many of us have said it would be cool to have theme music following our lives around. I've always had a sort of book narrative in my mind since I started reading in the second grade. Nearly everything I do comes back around as a descriptive narrative while I'm doing it, and it's so automatic that I've learned to mostly ignore it. It's like part of my brain is devoted to transcription, and is part of the real time lag processing I go through. I don't think it matters whether it helps or hinders, but it certainly gives me insight sometimes.

My #napclub events slowly dwindled starting on April 1st, and since three weeks ago today have completely stopped. I don't dare. I need to be awake by a certain time every afternoon, and even if I had the time, I know from the past that stumbling out of the house into traffic to pick up a child in not quite awake mode isn't good. The word harrowing has sprung to mind a few times, in fact.

My narrative this morning is coming from a long night of disruption, thank you mandatory blood pressure med switch, whoever's fault that is. I still think it's a strong arm demonstration between big pharma and medical and insurance contracting. No idea who's in charge, but someone wants a nationwide sweep off an old med. I've been through this before. Sooner or later it all settles back into place, but sometimes not before a number of people across the nation are roughly affected. These things don't make the news.

I see it as a wake up call. Shake it up, get that rut cleaned out! We may not like it, but it forces us to think and adapt. Adapt or die, they say. I doubt that's the actual intent, but it's a reality for many of us on long-term meds.

Anyway, as I was folding clothes out of the dryer this morning politely not listening to my narrative roll out, I realized what I'm hearing from my brain is YOU CAN DO THIS. And I can choose how I go forward. I'm too lazy to be bitter, too bored with myself to be sad, so what the heck, triumph. I'll take it.

This is the longest stretch I've gone in years without #napclub when I need it. This is me not only surviving, but thriving, and even running to keep up.

I don't take naps, she thought laughingly.

THIS is why stats are cool

Once in awhile I get a real referral link showing up that either doesn't care if they're anonymous or are simply unaware it exists as an option, and today I got hit from a daum.net (Korea) search "i'm wondering how you are", and this old post of mine (next pic) shows up in a list of other posts that are actually pretty cool (looks like I was on page 6, but still in the top 100 worldwide for such a vague search), so I'm going to share a few of the ones on page 6 with me. Each snip clicks to the original post it came from.

You can see why I love synchronicity. An algorithm sprung to life from one human brain typing words into a search bar, and next thing you know, my brain is sandwiched between other brains sharing cool things. I would probably have never seen these other people or known their lives but for this one person using a Korean search engine (the hit came from inside the U.S., so I'm wondering if someone is feeling displaced and very lonely, I'm in a huge college area), and like magic, we are all part of each other now.

Let's skip a few now, this one really caught my attention further down the page. I'm very moved that this is a real thing no matter what country we live in or where we go.

This title. 😁

I love my stats. I love seeing where my view hits come from, love seeing into other souls searching through the long days and dark nights for something that feels real and helps make getting through another day a little easier. We're all out here, together in this invisible soup of radio waves and satellite pings. We see each other through a mirror, darkly. We don't see other people watching us, unless we check our stats.

I love my stats. I love that real people find me when I feel lost.

Great, now we need something gooey here. I'm not really feeling gooey. Oh, here we go.

the basics

Started last night.

Ug, my internet is so screwed this evening. I kept trying off and on for an hour to get an easy download and kept timing out so badly that I couldn't even pull 3 minutes of video. I tried to get on server and it was so difficult just completing login that once it took nearly 5 minutes just for chat to show up. I've got a live draft coming up in a few days, will I be able to even attend? I might wind up having to just auto draft this year. Our broadband host is offering discounts, so it's not my laptop, it's not our setup or router, it's everyone on this service. We're basically hostage since no one else offers service to my house.

We got a ton of stuff accomplished around the house today, though. Major space reallocation around the kitchen, buncha stuff moved upstairs, one major appliance sold and another installed, closets and drawers and cabinets organized.

It's difficult to tell where I am with therapy progress on the atlas/axis cervicocranial thing. The nerves around my face that went numb in 2004 and then redeveloped all new maddening itching and tingling and numbness for years afterward seem to be waking up. All that is lately replaced with extremely tender sensitive areas that seem to feel normal otherwise, but I can only guess since I haven't felt what normal is since I was 19. It's coming across as kinda painful (think scalp sensitivity where it hurts just touching your skin, but all over my face too, almost like I'm bruised or something), but it's also actually kinda feeling like the nerves are able to feel more correctly for the first time in years. A lot of the painful ear stabbing sensations have nearly stopped. The tinnitus is unreal and my sense of smell is going in and out like it can't decide. I had lost quite a lot of my sense of smell and taste years ago, and it's interesting when I suddenly notice something smells really good or I'm hearing something I hadn't noticed before. My hearing used to be super awesome, like 110% on hearing tests, and then I went through the nerve fail and could barely follow tv because I was like so consonant-dyslexic with my real time hearing processing, and now I'm keeping up way better again without having to pause every other sentence making sure I heard it right. The first season of Continuum five years ago was so difficult to audio process that I was pausing after nearly every sentence. @bonenado got a lot of gold stars that year for being so patient with that. (The broohaha years ago over an interview transcription I did- no one had a clue how labor intensive that was for me, and how many total hours that took.)

The hope is that this will also positively affect all my nervous system going on down, like arms and legs. Still difficult to tell, but there is enough relief overall, however vague, to keep a thumbs up on it. The hardest part is the local area itself. When I whiplashed just beneath my skull (usually how people wind up paralyzed or killed), I damaged so much soft tissue that it got really swollen in there and laid down enough scar tissue to prevent my C1/skull area to sit together properly, and I have lived with that horrible nerve pressure for decades. If you need any kind of context, this is a good site to check out.

C1 and C2 Vertebrae: The Basics Behind the Worst Spinal Cord Injuries

I never talked about this for years and it took awhile for me to start getting really honest on Spaz and Pinky blogs about it after I committed to physical therapy a few years ago, and even then no one knew quite what the real truth was when I first brought it up. Between a chiropractor (started 2007) and a physical therapy team on hospital campus, it has taken ten years now to reach this point, where we are able to successfully work on this area directly, and it is still very slow work. Before I started this, I reached a point of needing help with everything, including self care, and had plunged into such long illness and terrible depression that I didn't believe I would live much longer. The pain itself was rough enough, but piled on top of it were complications galore, which I've been untangling on my blogs. It's rough and parts of it suck because I'm really feeling that nerve reverb as the pressure is slowly being trained back off and the nerve tissues continue to heal, BUT I'm so busy now keeping up with everything going on in my house, how can that not be a miracle? It's still so very hard, though, and at what seems like a dead run.

And now it's today.

Pain can be a wonderful teacher, a powerful motivator, and even a good friend. Pain has been part of who I am since I can remember. I've chosen pain over relief based on cost/benefits so many times, and I'm proof that really deep hard unremitting pain can be survived. If there is one thing I absolutely know, it is pain. I can see it in others, I can read it in animals, I can feel it when I'm near it. I will have a few things to say about pain and the cruelty some use to inflict it as a learning/teaching tool, as an entertaining toy, as a regenerating profit cycle, and as one of the despairing anguished who cried in the night not knowing if my existence was heard.

In the meantime, I'm quietly growing my wealth on the game server and even more quietly building beautiful things while I very, very quietly keep molding the real build I sculpt out of words.

Oh, yeah. Sploit and Batman are still on high ground with #Harvey. I can't begin to describe how stressed out I was going into this weekend. I'm finally starting to relax a little.

I am loving this vid. I can't believe how buried on youtube it is and how few views it's gotten, because it's very cute and really quite good.

free associating right off the blog

Don't click this. Ok, click it, but I won't be held responsible.

Well, it's just getting funnier and funnier. Even between the pinky porn searches and the 'blog like a pro' series pinterest board by other Pinky that continually peppers the search engines and sends AI content reapers my way like flies desperate to get rich on the bot maggots they bomb me nonstop with, Rick Lagina still wins grand prize hands down for sending me an interesting amount of very measurable traffic. Doesn't matter what, Rick Lagina death, Rick Lagina dies, Rick Lagina married, Rick Lagina sex... No one ever seems to get here wondering whether he actually found anything or what his net worth might be, it's always death and sex, in that order, the much larger percentage being death. I slack off and barely look over here at Pinky blog for a month, and Rick Lagina is just dripping off my referral walls like something in a bad Halloween movie. If I started writing Rick Lagina fanfic I'd probably go viral overnight. I could find ways to keep bringing him back to life and stuff.

Original photo is from this recap article

You know it's a fair bet that if I'm still running behind in Game of Thrones and my fave Friday night shows on Syfy, there's still no way I'm caught up with The Curse of Oak Island. I can't believe how often I've seen certain eps of PJ Masks, though. Where are the adult pajamas? I'm so brainwashed by now that I'm wanting the full coffee mug collection.

O. M. G. SOMEONE MADE COFFEE MUGS.

I probably had other stuff to say, but my mind is super blank. Well, it just goes super blank when I want to make words to share stuff, so maybe it's stuff best kept inside right now. How about a meander through youtube suggestions? This actually came up tippy top.


And from there it was all downhill, like the old days before minecraft.





New StrongBad vids!!! Here's the latest one from yesterday.


Wo, I find I suddenly have the TV. Bunny is gone...

back to school

See that?
Ain't nobody else got time for that.

New season, new syllabus. (Syllabus post collection here.)

The world revolves around tiny people. It's subtle, and you probably don't notice it unless you have a tiny person in your life. For instance, Game of Thrones. Not tiny person viewing. If you have a yappy 4 year old in the house who can't sit through a 15 minute favorite cartoon, there is no way you're making it through Game of Thrones. May as well DVR that b*!c# and put a bag over your head, turn off twitter and facebook for 2 days and plug your ears at work, only to have someone casually BLURT THE MAIN SPOILER IN A GAME SERVER CHAT.

😂 I'm laughing. I laugh.

Yeah, if you don't have a tiny pet human in your life, you really don't have a clue just how much the world actually bends around them. This one recently flipped from daycare in the city to small town pre-K. She's like super savvy #handleallthethings to the staff, but a little fuzzy on the cool rural stuff the kids around here take for granted. Like buses. omg she thinks the school bus is the coolest ride ever invented in a theme park, for realz.

But this is about my new syllabus, not hers. Remember how I used to boing out of bed and hit the blog every morning? All that cool disciprin and focus and GET TO WORK!! ? That's gone. Well, except for today. Today I'm starting off with the Weather Channel because other kiddos being out of school for Harvey. Anyone else noticing that the mid-alphabet hurricanes kinda push for more attention than the other ends of the alphabet? Alphabet philosophy is an extra credit course this week.

This fall's syllabus is the most rigorously strict schedule I've ever had since 2006 because I'm winging around 3 other schedules and filling in the holes. There's is Papa's work, mama's work, and Bunny's school. It's my job to make sure there's no #foodfail, #laundryfail, or #pickingupBunnyfail. I'm pretty good at my job most of the time, but we've had a couple of #facepalm days in the food and laundry departments, so I might not be getting a + after my A even if I can keep my grade up. Right now I feel kind of at a B, but that's my personal dissonance problem and I try not to let it bother me.

For example, I'm having to balance OCD laundry compulsions with fibro flares, and I learned long ago that fibro flares are more controllable if I can let myself shut my eyes and just do stuff without extra steps. You know, like sorting. Just throw all that laundry in there! Don't worry if it's wadded up! Who cares if it's lights and darks and tiny things with big heavy things? Who cares if the sox don't all match back up after every single load? (You guys have no idea how hard that is on me...) (Srsly, bcuz everyone else in the house wears matchy sox.) (If you don't yet have context, see #PinkySox.) (That search thread goes back to January 2, 2015.)

One of our biggies this season is Communication. Our current skills include Hit and Miss, Forgot to Tell You, Nearly Mentioned It, and Oh Yeah. Tutoring from yours truly is on the fly as needed, and I'm sure the cinnamon thing will be a joke for years to come. They'll learn fast if they want me to shut up.

Part of my curriculum includes another round of intensive work on my nervous system challenges. 3 days a week focus on cervicocranial junk. Since I haven't smashed anyone's face into an info screen, my family is unaware of the big dealiness of this kind of stuff, and that I'm handling all their stuff on top of my stuff. They are unaware of how I feel about this being a last ditch effort before I wind back up on heavy meds and possibly big surgery that would complicate our lives really fast, since original cause miraculously didn't kill me. Their plates are very full and they're handling loads of stuff I thankfully don't have to handle myself. Like jobs. Car problems and car shopping. Paying bills. Somehow.

Today is a field trip to my massage therapist. I will be driving myself round trip about 30 miles, and I will have roughly 2 hours of 'free' time before I pick Bunny up from school. Then I will have (if the day remains typical), 3 hours of Bunny time. We're adapting into a new afternoon routine. Come home, put on play clothes and wash our hands, get yummy food started for supper, help with laundry (she loves laundry so far), and then settle into an hour of TV and an activity like matching or coloring. By the time other big people start arriving, I feel pretty done and do my best to escape to my room, where I set up a little tech center. I'm getting good at minecrafting in bed.

This weekend is extra credit. I'll continue watching the hurricane coverage and hope my other kiddos keep power and don't get any water damage. It'll be a long weekend for me.

Since I've covered Pain Levels 101 in other posts and even other blogs, I'll spare you that. I'm relying on sheer obsession to see me through this semester. I don't even care if I'm in in a fantasy world. Survival is priority. Cut to video!

my whale

I haven't been touching base very well this month, have I?

• My sleep doctor gave me permission to take breaks from my CPAP when allergies make my face puffy.
• I've joined the millions in athletic shoe fail who suffer muscle rupture. Mine was tiny and under the inner ankle. Being careful now.
• No more awesome one week shags just before a whole summer of ponytail fail. Really feeling that one.

My time orientation kinda feels worse this year. Had the date wrong on the eclipse, despite reminders up in my face at every turn. Threw a bag of chips away that expired Nov. 2017 and later realized it's not 2018 yet. Have reworked all kinds of scheduling multiple times. August is suddenly gone, too.

I think part of the morefail around me is because I'm a little deeper in the writing again. That and being on a much stricter Bunny schedule now. After school we start Papa's supper. Last night was hamburger helper. She's four, she can learn how food happens. I was cooking from scratch by seven. Today we will construct a pie with those refrigerator rolled up crusts and a bag of apples. Easy peasy.

Still doing the atlas therapy thing. Not getting worse, but the challenge of real life on top of it has been... challenging. There has been no stopping and resting, no real recovery time, no coddling of the nerve reverb. And I don't have time to stop and think about it.

Had a flashback this week. I really do miss this era of my life sometimes.



Me and my editor irl.

my new fave pants song

Y'all caught that, right? When I said 3 weeks till the eclipse. I was wrong, it was only 2 weeks. I have repeatedly checked with my people irl and online, and for some reason I can't keep in my head that it's really TODAY. I will do everything in my power not to miss it, lol.

Sorry not checking in very much lately, thanks for checking on that. We all got through last week and kind of quietly going whew, hoping it doesn't attract any more attention from the cosmos for target practice. I think we'd all like nothing better than a normal week for a change. Oh, did I mention car fail? Yeah, that on top of all the other stuff. I think there was more, too, but I buried myself in my game server and accomplished many things, because internet was finally back up.

I have 10 minutes to get out the door and way too many things piled up in my head, so...

the mighty pen

I started this about an hour and a half before midnight two nights ago.

I should probably be paying more attention.

I only found that because I couldn't keep a game server up and wasn't quite ready to pull my brain off the screen yet. As far as I can tell, a specific something kinda boomed in a particular couple of areas that was most likely Lexx related. Oh, nothing, just deep underneath the surface mining ores 'n stuff, glancing up...

I've started asking this question of a few people around me in real life and online- If you knew you could make $100,000 over the next 2 years, would you let anything stop you? And then when I move on to Would you let your depression stop you?, the response instantly lets me know they know exactly what I'm talking about.

I believe I am capable. I believe I have worthy material. My stats let me know once in awhile that other people think that, too. I have things to say that have garnered interest from nearly every country on the planet, some of the most specific hits coming in on posts leaning out over that not-quite-saying-it edge on religion and politics. Well, today it may have been about fandom freedoms and politics.

I don't share all of what I really think on blogs. As I inch closer and closer to hard copy print merch, it's becoming more clear how much impact I could possibly have. Original intention was to have impact, yes, but originally, I never even dreamed of how much impact just a few blog posts could have.

I love author bios. It's cool finding out that Orwell was unimaginably ill with tuberculosis as he was writing 1984. It's comforting finding out that a favorite book here or there took ten years to write. It's weird wondering what a generation or two after me would say if I ever really did make it. It's horrible thinking it will all go to the grave with me if I don't get this done.

I haven't been this emotionally and physically drained in years. Fatigued, yes. More crippled and suffering, yes. More sick and afraid, most definitely. But too tired to care... never. I don't recall ever reaching this point before. Even when I got close, anger would always push me back onto my path. I'm too tired to be angry any more.

Revenge is best served cold. I'm beginning to see a new interpretation of that. I think it's often meant more like a well-planned revenge works best when the temper flaring is out of the way. I'm wondering now if it could also mean revenge is best served when it is no longer even cared about. I'm noticing a new freedom growing in my mind. The tireder I feel, the less I worry about consequences or perfect timing or the money that's gone into it. By the time I get this done, I'll be so worn out that I'll still be a completely normal person living a normal life trying to get back into an occasional live tweet, like what I did never even happened. Big deal, right Neal? Oh yeah, that book thing. I'll be more concerned about how far behind I'm dragging on a TV show or whether I can keep up with other players on a game server.

Now it is today.

And I don't have much to say. Scratch that, I have reams in stack overflow. I've been writing on anything and everything I can lay hands on when tech is down and I'm spread thin across the maps. Back to school pens and spirals are my Christmas, all boiled down.

I'm to the point where I don't believe any author that actually manages to write on any kind of schedule at all has enough family life of some kind going on. #fam When I arrive to my deathbed, I definitely won't be regretting that I didn't stop continually over and over in the middle of paragraphs and sentences and thoughts to respond to people I care about on all sides coming to me for anything and everything.

The love is so very real. I hope to God I get this done.

I brake for nothing

So 5 major life change things happened right after I made out a work schedule with a countdown for the end of August.

• Bunny broke her arm.
• We got strep.
• @bonenado's work finally sold, after 3 years, and changes hands on Tuesday.
• Bunny enrolled for pre-K in a local school, and that starts Wednesday.
• I started a new and very different therapy schedule.

So we've been in nonstop transitioning and acclimating mode for the last 2 weeks, and this coming week is #ALLTHETHINGS rising to a great big crescendo.

And, of course, that's not even counting the whole week of internet browning out from more weather and the latest big W10 update that had me scuttling for disk space. And through THAT I managed to keep up with a game server economy flip and got my player shop updated. Somehow. Like by relogging every 5 or 10 minutes at several points, or rebooting the computer over again after hourly cache and temp wipes in between brownouts and disconnects. You know how many times I've seen this just trying to blog a little?

Clearly nothing stops me from doing what I want even when I'm caught in freeze frame. Me and Jawn irl, fighting over keyboard control. You didn't see me lose my internet connection after nearly every single sentence and then for 30 minutes straight just before posting. I'm having to finish on my phone.

Did you plug it in?

The struggle is real.

It's been a long week. I've been pro-wrestling the game server today just keeping internet long enough at a time to execute and complete one or two actions, such as properly signing a player shop chest or reaching a teleport destination before another abrupt disconnection. The brownouts have been so bad around the house that I could see the microwave dim just trying to make a cup of tea. We haven't actually lost electric at all, but it's like my whole house is on 1980 level power support, and my router is definitely feeling it. Blogger will go 4-5 minutes telling me it can't auto-save as I go, so imagine me pulling off not only keeping up with the economy flipping in game, but ramping my wealth from 25K to I think around 113K before I finally gave up awhile ago. Meanwhile, the continual brownouts assured that I'd be frustrated enough to spring out of my chair getting all the dishes and laundry caught up before the weekend.

And I'm having a headache.

I recently started another therapy schedule, this one focusing on cervical atlas and axis. I don't know why no one's ever thought of this before, but since I had a SEVERE whiplash when I was ejected from a car flipping at 19, no one's ever actually looked at it like this among the plethora of x-rays, CTs, and MRIs over the years for nasty trigeminal and cranial nerve pain and migraines that even had people doing random spinal taps on me. At any rate, getting a proper look at that area, if you are actually looking for it and at it, shows an off-balance tilt and a slight cockeyed compensation. Yes, the bones are actually not straight like they should be, which means the soft tissues around them are taking turns swelling and being squished. In short, everything below that point is at the mercy of the nerve trunk and nerves in that area being compressed. I lived with what one doctor called a sprained neck for over 2 decades, basically a permanent charlie horse that took physical therapy 4 1/2 years to get back to kinda normal because it evidently affected and referred down through shoulder, chest, and even leg. But it's still a compensatory kind of normal, meaning that I'm still using workarounds to fake being able to live normally, which has been really interesting as I've watched professionals discover I can't feel large parts of the right side of my body while the left side hurts quite badly, and they're telling me the right side is actually worse. Meanwhile, I've had problems swallowing for years, and have brought it up a few times with various doctors. I've had my entire face and head go completely numb. I've lived with nerve fail coming and going in my left eye (couldn't make tears for 3 years), left ear (unremitting stabbing pain in my ear drum), and crazy itchy spots that was all I could do not to tear my skin off for months, and this is the first time anyone has ever said hey, let's really look at this area.

So through the rest of August I will be doing very specific atlas therapy, followed with clinical TENS. Like any therapy, several hours or a couple of days following will have me feeling 'beat up', which is normal for every therapy I've ever been through. Pain reduction is the overall goal, but along the way, nerves are going to respond to every little thing as things change, and I know I will go through pain changes and some pain referring, and even if I'd say I actually experienced the pain level being lowered, I would still feel 'beat up' and sometimes cry. To me it's more like a relief cry, like when you're sick and start antibiotic and then feel gross as it kicks in, even though you know you're getting better.

Being an interactive emotionally well adjusted person during this kind of pain focus (on top of autism, which is a sensory overload issue at the heart of it) will be very challenging. I'll do my best, but if I grind any of you up into hamburger and feed you to rats and then grind the rats up to stuff into snake skins for kielbasa, please accept my apologies ahead of time, because you'll probably feel unforgiving later. Like I've said here and there in past posts, if I'm not talking to you, it's probably a good thing.

I'm getting an 'out of disk space' warning. Sorry, no youtube today. I don't even care, this week has been stupid with my laptop and the power brownouts.

like the old days

So I put "race of intergalactic beings without pinky fingers" into a search bar and came up with these goodies-

Get Along Without a Pinkie? It’s Tougher Than You Might Think 12-15-08 kinda old reflection during a suspected writer's block
ANCIENT ALIENS? Mummified three-fingered 'non-human corpse unearthed’ 6-22-17, rather fresh one here
Say goodbye to pinky toes 9-18-14 NOOOOOooooo

Why are you doing this, you ask. Because my internet is too slow and sucky for gaming, I reply. Oh, you say. Yes, it sucks, I say.

Three weeks till the big eclipse, guys. Hey, I stick up for the picked on. Also, click for more, because if you're reading Pinky blog, you're probably as bored as I am. #10 is awesome.

I just discovered that "panki y el guerrero" is a thing. Hm. Moving on. Oh, here we go, press the Bored Button. Meh. Wo, lol, I come up in an 'Elon Musk' search.

Ok, here you go. you're my lobster Not a clue in the world why that particular post got associated with Elon Musk in a search. The only time I even mention him here in Pinky blog out of over a thousand posts is on base reality. If someone dragged my writing into comments somewhere else, I guess thank you? Kinda weird how this one worked out.

I'm actually looking for the post I made once with all kinds of doo-dads to play around on. Super facepalm on it being impossible to find, even with all the tags I use.

Ok, I'm worn out now. I've looked and looked and finally just ran into this vid I salvaged on a Pinky post on Xanga. "I could easily write 10,000 words on the magic of the old days"... I'm going out on this one.

in line for the #AprilUpgrade

I have no idea how I even got into the live tweet, much less pulled 5800+ impressions on a hot world live tweet with scattered hashtag feeds going a million miles an hour between less than 1 ms on internet ping speed with a nearly used up data plan on a nearly dead phone, but it felt sooooo gooooood. I've had better tweet nights, but it's been MONTHS, and I'm so hungry for a good run.

Right now I'm comparing that to chopping punkins on a server that rarely pulls over 30 people at a time... I really do miss the thrill-seeking. I'm wondering if I should take a hard look at my priorities again. I need to feel good about what I'm doing, and let's face it, the cost/benefits are eating me in a few ways. I love that I'm being creative, but I'm not loving that I'm disappearing. I love that I have a stress management diversion, I'm not loving that I'm using it to duck and hide.

I admit I've been a big bad jerk today. Well, mostly all in my head, but if it's all the same, guilty. I don't let myself reach the bottom center of the black hole of feeling selfish very often, but I went there today for a few minutes and very thoroughly disgusted myself. Then I beat myself up and shoved my face into a new playlist, and I was all fixed by the time Sharknado 5 came on.

I sometimes do that on antibiotic. First 24 hours I can be a real bitch. I managed to fold most of it back into myself before it could leak out anywhere, mostly because I'm seasoned enough to know I generally do a lot of apologizing later and it would be stupid of me to let it go there if I know it's coming, right? But I did whine in the last post, which is facepalm, so thank goodness everyone bailed mid movie because it's not their thing and went to bed. I'm afraid I'm the only real Asylum fan in the house, and I think this is the first of several years that I've missed so much live tweeting.

Anyway, here's where I shoved my head and by the time I was done with this, I was all better. (I don't self harm physically, but I do torture myself mentally. It works.) If you miss stalking me up to the minute and I seem down, you might see a new playlist popping up on my youtube page once in awhile, and that's me dealing, like this one appearing today. There you go.

'cross the river

a friend's screenshot
clicks to server site

I am intensely bummed out about the storms that came through this weekend wiping out my internet to the point of 30 seconds of game play between constant disconnect and the kind of browning out that takes a whole minute to load a page, like I'm on dialup from the old days. Calling around verified that it's a neighborhood thing and we're not alone. My phone plan also has about an hour left of heavy use available to share over 2 phones over the next 2 days, so... no live tweet tonight.

I haven't been this close to hate the whole world venom in a long time. A long time. I've been needing this so badly, I can't even tell ya.

I could go off on a rant about how 2017 blows and whatevs, but that's pointless and temporary. All you guys reading this who still drink, smoke, pop pain pills, and whatever it is you do, throw one down for me. I'm off to sulk, sans comforts. I doubt there is a single thing anyone could say to cheer me up right now, so I'm turning off the tech so I won't flay anyone with my mind through the webs.

It's been a tough year. Where's my playlist? I've got work to do.

automated plagiarism theft

"I singsong sadness into something productive." That popped into my head last night.

So this is happening. Wrastain's tools: Unlimited content for your website

WordAI, guys. As near as I can tell (and the Master is back, right on cue, not sure if it's related), Pinky blog is perfect fodder for auto rewrite. AUTOMATED PLAGIARISM THEFT IS THE LATEST ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE MONEY MAKING SCAM.

And since it's automated, even the 'author' of whatever article being sold doesn't know what they just ripped off, right, unless they're the ones setting it to certain material in the first place.

Auto blogging is the opposite of those next new singing star shows. Those shows rigorously enforce actual talent to the point of stardom. Auto blogging is like reproducing other people's talents into rubbish and selling it off as original material. Auto blogging super sucks for the entire planet because not only does it clog up multiple servers with redundant material, it also clogs up search engines and ultimately our brains. Words are becoming meaningless in an automated society.

I hope this post gets auto picked up, auto rewritten, and auto sold off over and over until it saturates the world, because that would be funny.

Here is one of the feedback comments on their site- "I have all of my writers using WordAi to rewrite content for me and they are each making me over $100 per day."

Do you see why I don't "write for" other people? I've been asked to write original articles for big sites, well, wouldn't be long until those articles were rewritten and reproduced on competitor sites. I still have extremely unique original material that never gets copied except by real life translators simply because I've never associated with a content curating site that funnels readers to specific content. Think about it- if Pinky blog is able to see this stuff in stats just because this has grown into a big blog (and I created all of this all by myself), imagine what a content curate site is able to see. I would be swarmed into oblivion by now if I had never remained rogue.

Other than thunderstorms taking out our internet, still got my fingers crossed for Sharknado tonight. If you don't see me in the live tweet, I'll actually not have internet. Also, if 'Sharknado' and 'live tweet' actually get picked up and rewritten along with this article, double funny, right. 😁

gloriously idiotic

*holding breath* Has it stopped?

That regular 'heartbeat' you see at the beginning of the last 7 days, what I termed the Master's knocking, completely died out over the last 24 hours. This is the first time in MONTHS I have seen normal stats, i.e. real people coming and going. Several posts on the auto hitting scored well over 1500 hits apiece (one wound up over 2000, but I think part of that was actual traffic from a special interest group), and I am still so calloused from seeing fake traffic that I can barely believe real people actually hit them, but I see once in awhile that they really do. Also must've gotten picked up on someone's content curator on the 1st, that spike the other day was a surprise post from the past that had nothing to do with the auto hitting, and surges continued through the day to one particular post. Since actual posting had gone completely dead during that time, I can't take any personal credit for that at all, so thank you to whoever.

I'm doing my best not to fall into the "I'm missing Syfy's  Sharknado Week with the Snarkalecs live tweeting" abyss, but last night I dove into the #ToxicShark feed for a few minutes and absolutely loved it. I miss that so bad. Sharknado 5: Global Swarming airs this coming Sunday night, and I. WILL. BE. THERE. I still think the Sharknado franchise is the most brilliant all-inclusive contract collection ever conceived. Check out Sharknado: Know Your Meme.


Meanwhile, not quite keeping up live with GoT and several other shows, catching up when we can.

I've gotta mention that I finally caught a possible Stan Lee nod on Doc McStuffins. In one particular special hour-long episode titled Welcome to McStuffinsville, we learn that Grandma shares in Doc's secret and gives her a 'toysponder' disguised as a bandaid that transports them to a world of toys, and Doc is promoted to head of the toy world hospital. Along the way, there is a broken toy named Stanley who plots to break lots of toys in order to make new friends that will have to hang out with him. At one point a giant magnet is turned on, entrapping toys containing metal, and Stuffy turns to him saying, "Not cool at all! Stanley, you don't have to do this!", and Stanley replies, "I do, Stuffy. I do." I've seen that ep a few times because it's in Bunny's top ten, and today I happened to be looking away from the screen when that line came through, and I heard it- "Stan Lee, you don't have to do this!" and immediately flashed back on all the cool evil villain scenes, and everything about Stanley clicked perfectly into Stan Lee's superhero wisdom and how villains originate. The scene was absolutely perfect, and if you're a Marvel fan, just *wow*. I loved it. Oh, look, I found it on youtube. See if you think it sounds like Stuffy says "Stan Lee" at that spot, about a minute into this.


My brain is on Hyper Active right now, so I'm slinging thru some new uploads.


And some old ones.


Those of you who envisioned me sitting here buried in youtube, I've jumped up from this chair 8 times since I started this post, and paused each of the vids at least 5 times. Live blogging. I'm not sure how Sunday evening will go, but I've announced to my family that I'll be camped in the livingroom with my tech rolling thru live tweet feeds that will not stop for anything, and I imagine I provoked every Loki in the multiverse just saying that. That means any and all of the following list could happen during my attempt to focus on something I enjoy for 2 hours straight-

• death (srsly, how many times has someone in my vicinity DIED {or nearly died} right after I actually announced something, and y'all know I've got the blogs to prove it)
• dismemberment (hey, if a chainsaw accident can happen within an eighth mile of me on Father's Day, anything can happen)
• epic natural disaster (how many times has Missouri flooded this year?)
• epic tech fail (I will be risking a 4 year old {and other adults} walking by with liquids that hopefully have tightly sealed lids on them)
• epic facepalm (drama never stops, and if ANYONE jolts my family into sadness in the middle of my joy {looking at YOU, ex idiot}, I will def make you famous)
• various and sundry odds and ends just simply going wrong, because that's what the cosmos DOES

During that list I completely stopped for something else and then got up 2 more times. Start placing your bets on whether I actually get to live tweet Sharknado 5. 😁

I need to make Sunday a party day. I'll hafta think of some fun food.

I'm thinking chocolate pie with an ocean meringue. I may not get much more creative than that if I keep sidetracking into other stuff.

Most of all, I miss live tweeting my fave TV doctor who, by the way, actually has a medical degree. Wild veer down a youtube path there. See ya.

back to conspiracy school

You know how you wake up on a Thursday thinking it's Monday? No? Nevermind.

Yes, eight days since I posted here last. Many things have happened.

• @bonenado cleaned out a thriving black widow nest full of thousands of hatching babies from under Bunny's slide. Innocent childhood joy, gone. She also went to the fair and saw lots of cool farm animals and hit the carnival rides. Aaaaaand a few days later she fractured her arm about half an inch above the wrist when a climbing adventure went all wrong. Turns out gravity. Yeah, we're learning basic physics. They don't teach you that stuff on PJ Masks. I blame Luna Girl.

• It's not all Bunny stuff. I had a stupid reaction to mustard and did a 4-day pred burst that resulted in a super sweet pain cessation while I was on it, so I had a really fun day out shopping with the kids for the first time in months. That, in turn, is resulting in Bunny being super thrilled that it's all about getting her own super cute bathroom remodel upstairs. Wait, it's about Bunny... hm.

• I didn't want to throw away some strawberries (that I bought for Bunny), so I invented a new pie that is barely being nibbled and will wind up in many more ingredients being thrown out, as well. Hey, go big, right. I'll leave you to wonder how it all got purple. There's cream cheese in there, though, so maybe it's ok. Oh, someone ate more, surprise.

• Back to school shopping! That was exciting. I got an awesome new mouse, a cool new t-shirt, an actual real dress blouse (from China!), and new curriculum. I have a stack of conspiracy fiction books my dad would be thrilled to believe were true. I've been too busy minecrafting to actually open them, but they're there in case the bug bites. Oh, yeah, Bunny got stuff, too. I'm very envious of her lunchbox.

• Some of you are wondering if Papa ever gets anything. Bunny got him a unicorn shirt for his birthday, sweet.

• I may hafta do something really nice for him this weekend. We'll be married 24 years on Saturday. Maybe I'll harvest some extra punkins on Mo Creatures and buy him a Fortune III enchantment book. Too bad we can't get stuff like that in real life. I refuse to buy lottery tickets on general principle. He's been donating to wealthy winners for 2 decades now, but I think it should stay more local, like maybe donating to a chiropractor for all those years spent in college helping people recover from, oh I dunno, falling out of trees... We still debate over strength of will vs injuries and arthritis issues.
• 
  
• Wait, are we done bullet pointing? I need to run out the door, see ya.

In honor of both back to school and the poor souls who Facebook shamed, I think we should all take a quick education look at human education. Personally, I think flat vs round is blown apart with a big smash of holographic string theory that will itself eventually become quaint, but that's a whole silly blog post unto itself. I believe I hypertorused a cat once...