see what I did there

Everything I'm doing in public online is normalizing mental health stigmas.

If you are an avid reader of Pinky blog and possibly even super lurkers continuing from previous blogs, you probably already get this.

If you are new to Pinky blog and it kinda looks all over the map and wtf, I am openly sharing what the inside of my head is like. This includes things that most people would never dream of sharing because they fear ridicule, haters mocking them, and judgment from loved ones and friends.

I'm not just writing words about it.

I'm not just posting memes and youtubes and resharing other people's words.

I'm not just compiling analysis and assessments and pov and judgments based on a personal agenda, i.e. asplaining to 'normals' what it's like being whatever dx they're curious about.

I am a complicated mashup of several dxs that include physical and mental disorders. Basically, I'm an autie spoonie depression blogger with some atypical quirks for autie spoonie depression bloggers. I grew up with questionably mentally stable parents (I'm putting this kindly, I hope), with religious culture clash, with social culture clash because of where I lived, with added traumas from my childhood lifestyle and a friend being murdered in college, with multiple injuries from a nasty car accident, with a first marriage to a very mentally ill pedophile, and with loads and loads of other things that are part of my life because family and friends have their own stuff, too.

The reason I'm sharing this way is because I realized a few years ago that simply writing out all the words that I think is explaining things actually epic fails to successfully reach the general public at large. Simply talking about autism barely even touches all that, and I'm pretty sure that is where we're all missing the boat conveying autism experience to the general public. I use my autism as a survival mechanism, and it seems to be working very well, although, yes, I have outstanding fails in my personal history.

I'm watching auties all over the world doing that now, writing millions and billions of words explaining.

I think we've said it. It's all out there now.

Now it's time to sift your personal stuff down to demonstrating. Show the world what is really in your heads. Don't just explain it. Don't stifle it all into "I'm autistic". Turn it into "I'm human."

I've said this many times. We all have something. Some of us live with multiple somethings. No one escapes this. Every single one of us on this planet is hiding a stigma of some kind, is living with something hard that goes against mainstream grain, is dealing with life and death and allthethings, and is going to die. Other people blaming conditions as being problematic things to solve is our mission- Change the world so that stops. Change that pov into loving acceptance. None of us actually asked to be here, none of us controls what we are born into, and I'm pretty sure the whole point of that is for us to make it to our final deathbed leveled up into wise wizard changing the world with miracles of attitude.

We are here to do something, be someone.

Don't dream it. Be it.

That came from a wise crazy person in a TV movie (I've never seen the play) and was originally ripped from a magazine. trivia

Now, go blog like someone's life depends on it. Lotta really sad and anxious people out there looking for ways to stay here and not opt out of life. We are the light shining in the dark for each other in a great big web world connecting all our brains now. We can do this.

nervous wrecks waiting for the inevitable

This was yesterday.

photo clicks back to original source

This is today.

When you're autie with multiple dxs

This is something I've been bringing up for a long time, just not in these words.
Depersonalization Disorder: An out of body experience

All the stuff in that article has consumed me much of my life. I've written at length on reality and perception, and have been openly being extra careful and letting people know when things aren't feeling 'real'. Friends on twitter may or may not be aware of this, depending on how often they might link over to Pinky blog, but that article kinda condenses things into a nutshell for me. This bit especially- I can tick every single one of these in this list.

What Causes Depersonalisation Disorder?

What causes depersonalisation disorder is not fully understood, but it is thought that it is linked to a chemical imbalance in the neurotransmitters of the brain. This imbalance may make the brain vulnerable to depersonalisation disorder when in states of extreme stress.

According to the Mayo Clinic, causes of depersonalisation disorder may include:

• Childhood trauma such as witnessing domestic violence or being abused
• Growing up with a significantly impaired parent, such as by mental illness
• Suicide or unexpected death of a loved one
• Severe stress such as relationship, financial or work-related pressures
• Severe trauma such as a car accident

I'm noticing it's much worse lately, so it's time for #transparency while I have a little time to share. I usually handle stuff on delay because of aspienado shutdowns, where I turn into Pinky Robot and don't have to feel all the stuff going on around me. Lately, though, I'm having to crunch some of that processing through a little faster as multiple deaths are rolling out and I feel oddly situated as a major player that's mostly not really inner circle, so I can't exactly be a wall flower and let it float over me, or float over it, or whatever floating usually takes place, but still vitally connected in sometimes crucial ways.

The best way I can describe the time jags are like when I'm playing on server and there is a bit of lag and my character gets jerked back a couple of steps and has to break a few blocks over again, or the lag might even spam a little, and the blocks blink in and out of existence no matter what I try to continue to do. If the lag gets bad enough, I time out and have to relog, which is what shutdown feels like. I don't often feel like I'm in 'real time' with other people, and have spent a frustrating lifetime figuring out this is what's really going on in my brain and that it's not normal. I'm so used to it that I take it for granted, and I've only really started talking about it the last few months. I mean, I shared the big reality break from 2012 that was a result of a supervised double hormone crash off meds that took about 3 months, but that went beyond my kind of normal lag/jag stuff. I'm not having a med or pain crisis to the point of causing this again, but emotionally *bam* I'm getting knocked off track a bit more than usual and it's really catching my attention lately.

I am still struggling to keep broken bits of timelines in some kind of order around certain parts of my life. I'm still attempting to reconstruct through old bits of papers, like my college class schedules, or a list of work experience I kept around for resumes that included to-from dates, or even like the time my oldest daughter suggested I look in the toilet for the year I got married because we built the house that year and toilets are dated- no wonder I thrive on social media timestamps. I can't blame the time jags on anything specific, because my brain is wonderfully adept at some things, but time itself slips out of my grasp. Y'all know I get my days, weeks, and even months mixed up. Well, it's kinda worse than usual this year.

So this weekend has been really tough, some of it was very public because we lost a friend but a lot of my personal stuff wasn't, and today should have been a typical epic fail mode where I forget stuff and stumble my way through, but it never happened. No, today was brilliant, I got all the things done, and I handled everything beautifully. But I wasn't 'me'. At least not the usual me. The me from the old days took over, the me that got me through high school and part of college, the me that showed back up in a new morph and got me through the 5 grueling dark years before I pulled myself back together with Pinky.

I knew as I was pulling out of the driveway this morning that she was back. I was cognizant the whole time and I (the 'me' who is typing this) pretty much sat back and let it all happen. I didn't fight for control, in fact, I was relieved and grateful. I hadn't seen that side of me, to use a phrase, take over like that in a long time. The me who survives no matter what.

She has a name. I very rarely ever share it. The morph part has a very public name. I don't often use it, either. Together they are very strong, and I say they because I didn't feel like I contributed to that strength. Normally we all fit together and we are 'I', but today, I definitely switched out for awhile.

I begged my mom to take me to a psychiatrist when I was in high school. In college I walked into campus counseling and asked to be tested, because I told them I felt like I was crazy. I have been assured a number of times by several professionals that I'm nowhere near crazy (I passed an MMPI just fine in college) and that I'm handling life rather well. Inside I feel like a messy wreck, and I don't feel like I'm handling anything well at all. My current psychiatrist mentioned I'm feeling dissonance between what is real and what I feel is real. It goes a little beyond the kind of self flagellation that people do when they're down on themselves, but the weird thing is I don't do that. I have never done that. That's where the narcissism has come in really handy. I don't think I'm all that and a bag of chips, but I do think I'm an important person in people's lives, and I believe my being here on this planet is important and supposed to change things, but that only works out if I get off my butt and actually do stuff that makes a difference, so it's really rare for me to fall into a self pity pit.

I believe we are ALL important and here to change things.

I believe it's ok to believe this, and I'm pretty sure that's what's kept me going. Reality is what I make it, and the reality I create around me is my 'real'. It may not always mesh with other people's 'real', but at least I can be part of other people's lives.

Pinky has been wrestling all the snakes back into the peanut can, but I don't think that's going to happen now. Claudia burst forth today, bringing Jacky with her, and dayam if stuff didn't GET DONE. I would wish I could be like that all the time, except when I'm in Claudia mode, I'm usually pissed and don't give a f* about whatever, and I'm kinda tough for people to take like that. Jacky brings an undercurrent of dark emo med addict withdrawal kind of personality, and together they kicked ass today and told me not to worry about it.

That was my 'real'. I didn't fantasize, I didn't make up internal dialogues, I didn't think about it, I just sat back for awhile working on word stuff like I love doing. And now this is me practicing for getting thoughts organized before the book goes out. Lotta people out there analyzing autie stuff half to death, and I am soooo way past omg I'm autistic. Let's apply it to #allthethings now, shall we? And ppl who read my stuff, don't rip this off and run with it on your own stuff asplaining it all out for the noobs like you own it. Own your own stuff. This is my stuff. Everyone needs to get on personalizing their stuff. Really tired of this 'we' crap. (I changed that last word, Claudia was trying to take over.)

I am the cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me. -Kipling. My tagline since 2007. Bluejacky: Existential Aspie

pink stultify

Burned out tedium, basically. I can't believe this is part of a real pronunciation series and that they spent a whole minute saying this word over and over.

This clicks to much less 'reimaginative' than the article purports.

I mean, I really was looking up 'pink stultify' this morning. That clicks to a wild assortment of imagery and even more new words. I was so surprised. Anyway, here is your basic stultify definition.

I have been feeling like this for awhile. I know a lot of it is adjusting stupid meds and being worn out with real life flinging me around and slapping me against buildings, and it's not anyone's fault. It's not the same thing as feeling bored. Also #transparency, kinda dealing with the death thing on several fronts, so aspienado shutdown is in full effect. Lotta emotional juggling going on.

These are the current repeater hits (hi, France) and they are stultifying to see, so I'm playing games, like how many sentences can these titles create if we smoosh them all together?

summer syllabus
swearing off
resuscitation
brain coffee
Vivendi
shut up!
vigils galore

Although Vivendi is swearing off a summer syllabus, brain coffee resuscitation is helping him yell shut up! through vigils galore.

Anyway, 98% of my traffic this last week as been that France thing, and Brazil and Ukraine barely even blip once in awhile any more. It's like being in one of those weird super obsessive relationships where you find out the exes quietly got axed or something. It's also opening my eyes to the kind of wonky reward systems I create for myself, and how personally I take mundane things getting in my perceived way.

the marble arch

I stopped today to hold a flower,
And the world blew past me.

I sat awhile to watch the sky,
And the world didn't even notice.

I forgot to eat, forgot lots of things,
And the world didn't care.

I grew still as glass and faded from view,
And the world was oblivious.

I didn't join the happy people,
And the world didn't ask why.

Today there were frogs in my house, fireworks in my yard, lots of scary rain blowing electricity out, blurs of noises and activities and busyness,
And I didn't ask the world to stop for me.

I don't know how.


I think this last verse was left off-

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

swearing off

I can't even describe the weird sick nerve headache I got all over my body about 30 minutes after my body discovered the quarter chip of baclofen was all it was getting. Thank goodness it passed or I'd be curled up in a ball. I've been on a quarter pill for 4 days after a half pill a day for a week, and 3/4 before that, etc. That's how super med sensitive I am. I can't even just drop off, I have to grain it down like I did getting off benzo meds. I'm doing my best not to pile drive my face into a food mound. I poured the coffee out after my second cup so I wouldn't go after a caffeine substitute.

That was yesterday. This is today.

Accidentally deleted the rest of that with a slash maneuver instead of shift. My right pinky is so klutzy.

Last night's shock is still ripping around my head. I think we can agree she was the best of our twitter gang, and the least deserving of an early fate. I think it's hitting us older ones a little differently because she's the same age as our own kids, and with her baby only a year old, all the meemaw feels. I appreciate P letting us know. A lot of people just delete all their stuff and/or disappear without anyone knowing what happened.

#Snarkalecs. Always.

Atlantis

This think review is the original, which I'll be copying to SyfyDesigns here.

Pix click back to sources. Ancient Aliens screenshots from my TV will click back to their History Channel episodes that were broadcast.

Very early on coming back out public, I was picked up by a little gang who did Stargate Atlantis (SGA) watches in a chatroom at SyfyDesigns. Stargate Atlantis is the second series in the Stargate franchise, a natural continuation of Stargate SG-1, and a precursor to understanding Stargate Universe. The franchise was based on an original movie that came out on 1994, which itself appeared after a long dry spell in scifi in the movie industry. Despite initial boos from critics, the Stargate movie, a French-American film originally released through MGM, won a number of awards and is considered a break-through film.

Of course, Stargate Atlantis is based on the legends and myths of Atlantis that we have around the globe, and just as SG-1 reimagined and explained the reality and science behind our myths of all the gods throughout human history, SGA reimagined and explained the reality and science behind the legend of Atlantis, which turns out to be a very real city that once existed on earth, but actually built like a spaceship that could pick up and leave, and wound up deep beneath an ocean on a planet in another galaxy. An SG team is sent to investigate after discovering clues on Earth, and the series rolls out from there.

The entire Stargate premise starts out with and heavily relies on pyramids, circular stargates, and loads of symbols. While the show looks to be about the gods that star in our myths, the undercurrent is always about the gates themselves, the advanced technology, translating the symbolism from other languages, and how our world militaries learn to cooperate while building trust and relationships with other races of beings in our universe. There are good guys and bad guys, ultimately explorations in points of view since good and bad become smeared, and also the gods themselves, but this kind of stuff happens in scifi shows across the board, so I'm ignoring it here. I'm not going to discuss characters and plots and the entertainment industry. Rather, I'm going to discuss reality and how fiction fits into it, particularly the Stargate franchise and our Atlantis myths.

Our Earth has real pyramids. Lots of pyramids. Lots and lots of pyramids. Just about anywhere you go on our planet, we have pyramids. Sometimes they're called mounds or temples, but oftentimes we find that they are really pyramids. The funny thing about these pyramids is that they seem to line up with constellations, they seem to lay along ley lines, and they have been permeating cultures time out of mind. They are utterly mysterious, making no sense, relics seemingly without purpose, and if you're keeping up with the archaeological sciences at all, they are turning out to be very, very cool.

The creepy thing about the Stargate franchise is that they were using pyramids complete with accoutrements for entertainment before some of these things showed up in very real science. While Star Trek gets a lot of credit for pre-inventing our modern tech, pyramid discoveries are flying under the public radar, and they're way bigger than automatic sliding doors and cell phones. If you were to check on all the latest pyramid science buzz going on around the globe and then go back and watch the entire Stargate franchise, the hairs would go up on your arms and neck. Real life is getting spookier and way more entertaining than all the scifi out there. Guys, we are living it.

Right off the bat, I want to bring up the SG-1 episode where a scifi show called Wormhole X-treme is based on the Stargate program using leaked info, and "The Air Force had decided that while being a breach of secrecy, the show could prevent any future leaks of information about the Stargate program from being taken seriously." This is not a new idea. I grew up alongside the entire Star Trek franchise, and I'm not the only person in the world who feels like it was a great way to not only get ideas out across all borders and boundaries, but lead the way into a new kind of world cohesion in the form of fandoms. I don't know whether that was intentional, but I believe it certainly is now as I watch world sync happening over the Doctor Who and Marvel franchises. Entertainment is leading the way in a new kind of world citizenship like human history has never before seen, and at its roots it started with television shows about star travel.

I'll interject that some of you know I also grew up in a household heavily steeped in end-time prophecy, UFOs, conspiracy theories, numerology, and Atlantis was among that. Because I'm trained from childhood, it's probably natural that I come to the conclusions I do, but I want to make sure we don't beg the question. Which comes first, conspiracy theories or mysteries? Because the conundrums are out there. Blowing off the conspiracy theories doesn't make the very real conundrums in human developmental history go away, and it's very interesting that the conspiracy theories are turning into very lucrative entertainment nowadays, which manages to both plant more seeds in all our brains and callouses us to taking the questions seriously. All we have to say is You watch too much TV.

On SGA, the SGC put together an international team of scientists and a special ops U.S. military team to travel to the lost city of Atlantis in the Andromeda galaxy. The CGI is fantastic and well worth the watch. The wraith were an unexpected twist and I'm still not keen on them, but the idea blossomed into adaptive DNA and from there I was fully on board. It's really too bad the wraith and goa'uld never meet, that could have gotten brutal. At any rate, humans survive all the obstacles and bring Atlantis back to Earth in the end.

So let's talk about Atlantis. The myth is still very real, kept alive through sometimes bizarre enculturations, but some historians do not discount it. Myths have a way of coming alive through archaeology, and we are living in a stellar century for discovery. Our modern tech and equipment are getting better, our dating techniques are getting better, our historical analysis is finally getting better as different science fields collide and integrate, and most of all, our world sharing in real time is phenomenal. We've never been able to put so many minds to so much work on the same things all at the same time like this before. All these things are very real and ongoing, so to say entertainment is creating a bunch of dismissible hooey is very misleading and exactly what it's there for. One of the big concerns with discovery is how disruptive the truth would be to society, right? We hear it all the time in fiction shows- hide the truth so we don't freak people out. But still they keep freaking us out with some really wild and crazy entertainment, and we're taking that just fine, so I feel like entertainment is either being used to callous us, or it's being used to slide truth under our radars. That's right, a conspiracy theory about entertainment itself. It's not new, guys. I heard conspiracy around entertainment as far back as The Electric Company being used to brainwash the next generation (now your grandparents), starting from childhood, so this is really old stuff. Personally, I'm not against using entertainment to brain train, although it's simultaneously breaking down barriers and building up other barriers, so it's a bit confusing, and part of the growing pains I talk about in other places.

One of the biggies lately is The Curse of Oak Island on the History Channel. That is one of the top ten conspiracy theories worldwide, ranking just under Atlantis and the pyramids. The myth behind Oak Island is that the Templar Knights hid something down a shaft that is so difficult to get to that it's taking years, millions of dollars, and industrial equipment trying to get down there. I'd say this borders on Atlantis frenzy. Growing up, I can't tell you how many times conspiracy theorists erupted with We found Atlantis! and it always fizzled out. Well, Oak Island is still going. It's not fizzling out.

Along the way to archaeological findings are weird conundrums, like some kind of tech in seriously wrong layers of time, which creates all new time travel conspiracy theories, or threatens to shred the human development timeline that anthropologists have already set up. This is nicely explained away in TV shows like Stargate Atlantis, of course, but the fact is that these conundrums still exist whether a TV show makes them up or not. What's creepy, honestly, is when fictionalized TV shows predict real life before real life happens, like an entire franchise spending years brain prepping us for the latest revolution in archaeological thinking, and here is where I intro Ancient Aliens.

Before I go any further, I can't help interjecting that so much of our own space program shares the same project names with entertainment companies, and all these names are from gods that come from the stars. Something to think about. I can't help thinking that documentary style archaeology is supplemental to fiction in a way that continues toward specific concepts being seeded into our minds, since one show is produced by a company that has the same name as a spaceship in another show, and I could really go to town with this if I dragged pop music into it seeming to use prompted buzz words across a number of artists and song titles, like 'satellite'. One could argue that these are all common anyway and therefore not coincidental. I say fine, let's move on.

Ancient Aliens is a documentary series consisting of a team of scientists and historians from all over the world coming together to work on the conundrum that may be behind all other conundrums and may be finding answers by putting pieces of the entire jigsaw puzzle together in a way never before possible. Now that we have satellite views of earth, space telescopes, world class computing, and millions of brains trained to problem solve, we are going back through all the old conundrums scientifically and remapping our thinking. It's no longer acceptable to brush inexplicable conundrums off with the idea that primitive peoples were actually capable of things our modern technology is not. Embracing that as ludicrous is key to moving forward. I can't help thinking what great timing this is with not only the Stargate franchise, but with.... Minecraft.

I'm about to show you something really funky. If you are a minecraft gamer, all of this already looks very familiar. Our world hosts real archaeological sites filled with giant building blocks. Have we come full circle? What do these sites have in common, and how did they spring up all over the world without technology sync? The repeating patterns are undeniable. I think both Stargate fans and Minecraft gamers can appreciate this kind of significance.

But what really tied it to Minecraft for me was this bit.

Much of Minecraft is about block hardness and grief damage, and one of the three specific common blocks aside from cobble is andesite, which can be polished and used in construction.

Minecraft creator Markus Persson is one of those virtuoso kids, a genius already programming at the age of seven. How in the world did a game even come into being that looks like a mimicry of real life Ancient Aliens sites? I myself live in rugged country near state forests, and I can't get over how realistic this very simple concept is. If one really wants to get into conspiracy, one could also drag modern magic and alchemy into the discussion, which is exactly where Ancient Alien technology sent humans reeling for generations, it would seem. I'm sure this is a very odd coincidence, but it happened, and here we all are noticing it.

Back to Atlantis. These are symbols found on a very real crashed craft that was hushed up for years. No one has ever identified the origin of this craft. What is the point? This meant something to whoever put it there.

One of the mantras of ancient archaeological sites is "as above, so below". Ancient builds across entire continents lay out like constellations. Among the questions that instantly invites are why, how, and who in the world even thought of doing this?

Needless to say, I'm very much enjoying the 12th season of Ancient Aliens, click that to see full episodes yourself. Not paid to link that.

So the obvious question I'm leading up to is- Are the Ancients getting us ready for what's really behind Atlantis through entertainment and gaming? Are we being prepared to become world citizens with plug in jobs that include terraforming, big building, and coding? Will our militaries become work units in much larger collections of travelers, and will our ability to problem solve be the standard by which we level up in a new lifestyle?

Maybe our grandkids will have the answers to all this. By then we could all be plugged into the Matrix and never know the difference. For all we know, Atlantis could simply be Earth, lost to the heavens beyond, which cryptically brings up even more scifi shows about hunting for the planet of human origin. Why else would we be fought over and protected from catastrophic events in ancient history? And better yet, why are we so obsessed with it for so many generations if none of this holds an inkling of truth? It's almost like we keep being prompted to remember...

the boss of all of us

Well, isn't this just cute. Woke up to my Google search bar being on front screen of my phone and all my apps rearranged, so I just put things back the way I wanted. Booted Jawn up and G+ is on my main toolbar now. Interesting, I had pulled a G+ app out of a folder onto my front page phone screen last night, so I guess apparently I gave Google my permission to walk in and own all my tech, even though the only thing I've synced is accounts, NOT my tech. I said a long time ago that Google will eventually own our coffee, too, so remember I called that on April 18, 2015.

If you want these lyrics in English, go to the youtube description and paste it into translate. I found it apt, plus I love the original 'Lemmings' style music kind of hidden in the song until nearly the end and suddenly you hear it around 3:20.

vigils galore

An example of proper emergency awareness spelling- The residents at that residence are under a tropical storm warning. Just pointing out that that an emergency preparedness post alerting residence to storm vigilance might want to make sure the residents know it's about their persons, not their properties. No biggie, just flipping through the medias keeping an eye on county and metro alerts going over my Batman. Might be having a storm watch party, I seem to know a number of people scattered between me and all along the Gulf Coast.

So I started another singleplayer while I wait for a couple of the moc server worlds to go through pregen, and so far I've made it clear to the nether with moc mobs in survival only and not once have I died or tp'd, although I finally got tired of the creepers and turned mob griefing off. I've logged over 900 hours on that multiplayer server since the update in January, and I've done so much hands on build from scratch under duress that I don't even think about mode switching any more even on my own private worlds. It's been about a year and a half since I leapt off the twitter train compulsion into the brain glitchy madness of living in a server (you know it's bad when you actually think "I'm hungry" and then grab a 'snack' out of your inventory and keep playing...), and I know some of you are yawning and some of you are going oh thank god she's off her Sherlock kick now (I'm not) and some of you are just done with me because I left the twitters, but I am sooooo not gone.

#transparency Real life stuff, yo. Tropical Storm Cindy has officially set off Houston Metro warning bells, so meemaw nerves. Also, many big feels hither and yon as one family extension is feeling the loss of a loved one, another is pending with complications rippling around family members helping (I saw a pic of that knee gash, yowza, how do you even still have a kneecap, man O_O), and the other family stuffs sprinkled around the facebooks, and is June just a hard month, or what? Seems like it always is for me, and naturally I'm getting my days all wrong for weeks now because I always do that this time of year between Mother's Day and my mom's birthday. Just today I had a sudden jolt at an expiration date on a package of baby back ribs in the fridge, omg how did I let them sit that long, oh yeah we wound up switching up the Father's Day thing with another family thing, so our BBQ got moved, but if I don't wanna chuck that entire package I'd better cook those up TODAY, because the 7th was ages ago, surely they're still ok sealed like that, and yes, they cooked up beautifully and none of us are sick at all. But it wasn't until after we'd eaten that the date on the package finally got through to the other side of my brain and I realized that 7-7 isn't 6-7, because this is June, not July. *burp* Oh, well, it was delicious.

It's funny, I'm to the point of having some difficulty even speaking sentences out loud this evening (autie brain), but I can casually fling off a witch and her pet spiders while I dismember a zombie while I outrun a silver skelly while I flay a werewolf on my way back to the chest I dumped all my lapis in while I'm hauling my whole stash of diamonds and obsidian around because I'm an idiot determined to get that enchanting table made. Things were a bit slow until I realized the only way I was going to get a bow was to stay off the bed and get some spider string, got the bears and big cats cleared out, or none of that dodging around in the dark would've worked at all. I think the flame wraiths and manticores are a bit slower in singleplayer, but I probably just jinxed myself and watch me die 40 times tomorrow. At any rate, I seem more capable of the logistics of hauling buckets of lava around danger zones than I am of keeping track of my personal planner, so here we are 2/3 the way through June and last week I thought it was still May and today I mistook it for July, so I guess I'm in my usual zone.

swimming in the kool-aid

Started last night.

Hello again
How are you doing
What do you want from me?
A new beginning
A magic ending

And then I woke up. I never found out what the last line in the stanza was, probably something about to rhyme with 'me'. It was a simple song, light piano, kind of like it was being sung on stage, young female voice in semi darkness. It's occurring to me that the reason I'm not fond of musicals is because I go through processing my life as musicals so often in my dreams. Some of them are cool, though. Beats dreaming in cartoon. I've done that a few times, it's unimaginably creepy realizing my brain can adapt me into a 2D medium like that. The minecraft dreams are awesome, like the entire world really is minecraft, but apparently tonight was musical night.

I'm still in very slow med taper, and even though I got 100 on my sleep score last night, tonight is horrible because I cut the dose a little again today and I'm hurting all over and it keeps waking me up in weird ways. I know it's nerve receptor pings making my brain feel things too much, getting the day's processing mixed up with real life sensations. It's not real, yet real enough to drive me out of bed over the suckage.

The obvious move would be to just take the stupid dose and feel better, but the side effects have gotten so ridiculous over the last 6 weeks that I really can't wait to be done with this stuff. I rarely get edema, usually from meds messing me up, and I certainly didn't have it before I started this one. A month of not realizing it was screwing my blood sugar is very slowly cleaning back up, and since that kind of stuff affects skin and hair on top of turning my inside fluids into a syrupy glue (visual for all you diabetics out there still eating junk and brushing off your A1Cs), that means everything in my body is having to clean house, and stuff like that typically takes about 3 months. Also, this is the closest I've ever come to feeling like I could develop congestive heart failure, which would be even bigger suck, so yeah, this med screwed me. I can take a little taper withdrawal, but not without torturing you guys along with me.

I haven't checked pinterest in awhile. I know people live in there and never come out, but is 22.5K monthly views normal/average for a really dormant account? I think I've pinned about 5 things in the last 6 weeks. I'm having a hard time believing that's a real view count.

I see they've spiffed up their analytics since I checked last, oh what, maybe a year and a half ago? At least.

Ah, yes. "Impressions." We all know what I think of impressions. Not actual eyes on, but the possible eyes on that could have seen these pins via certain feed parameters being engaged.

So that makes my top pin this month being a Star Wars pin more credible. Out of 12K 'impressions' it got 65 actual saves.

I still can't believe this one is my all-time most saved/shared pin, and even has 30 comments. But yeah, nailed me. (Scorpio)

This one has always been my most clicked. I loaded it myself, and the stat thingy says this pic is on 5.99K boards now. It has nearly 9000 total impressions since 5 years ago (I actually dated it in the description) and 40 saves in the last 30 days. Pinterest has labeled it a 'rich pin'.

This one had twice the impressions and triple the saves over the last 30 days, but it's not a 'rich pin'.

And I'm bored now. I took a real pain pill, the ibuprofen kind. I haven't had one in about 3 weeks because my doctor pulled me off these, too, but at least it's not addictive and it's helping cut the extra chatter down to a mild nausea. Maybe I can sleep now...

And now it's today.

I have a very long day. Moved a chiro appointment 3 times, so I'm long overdue. Then I broke a tooth (don't worry, no pain) while my dentist was on vaca and I got a call yesterday that they had a cancellation and can get me in today, and thankfully all this stuff is in the same town so I won't have to run all over creation. May as well hit the Walmart over there while I'm at it.

My head has been like Cirque du Soleil nearly this whole year already, and whatever I'm treading in feels more like a big mess from the Kool Aid Man tripping and spilling himself all over my world. My queue of work to do online is petrifying into glyphnotes. Get it? Glyphnotes. Nevermind.

Anyway, my jetsetting crew is healthy, we're past nearly all the big holiday stuff, I'm actually looking forward to 4th of July, and hopefully all other transitions about to hit go smoothly and the tech hangs in there through it all.

Time to go fix a tooth. Ignore this cover frame, the entire thing is a megamix of artists and WoW.

I should be nature blogging

This is wussup in between the storms here. Sunny days are actually pretty rare this year and no guarantees whatsoever. You drive up the road without an umbrella on a pretty day, joke's on you hauling groceries back home.

I love my yucca. It's grown into a twin, but this is my fave in my whole yard. It's at least 7 feet tall now.

I'm kind of allergic to Queen Anne's Lace, but it's beautiful and I love seeing it. This one is up to my chest. That's right, so is that grass. Too bad I don't have a buncha money to buy that lot across the road and stick a buffalo in it, but we're zoned against livestock anyway. *le sigh*

The butterfly bushes are popping out. There's a massive purple one in the background that hasn't bloomed yet that makes the whole yard smell like someone spilled a vat of honey.

The gladiolas normally pop out right around a week or two before the 4th of July, like nature's fireworks, just a tad early this year, like the irises being done before Mother's Day instead of just in time for it like they usually are.

Duking it out with Kaspersky, two browsers, and an update that only took one second once I figured it out, in the meantime was like pulling teeth just loading 4 pix for 30 minutes from two different devices. Not sure why that didn't slow me down earlier when I slit a vein and wrote out a full confession in blood. (That's writer talk. I didn't really slit a vein or write anything in blood. That would've screwed up my keyboard.) Whatevs. I have no regrets. *other mes slapping me behind the screen* Just hurry up and world sync the tech already, these corporate wars grinding my tech incompatibilities to a standstill are getting really stupid.

I'll be in Valhalla if anyone needs me. Unless the internet keeps browning out from all this rain.

summer syllabus

I couldn't settle on one. I love them all. Click to get lost in snake memes.

Started this yesterday.

I finally ran into the Pinky Guerrero porn stuff. In Google search, the name Pinky Guerrero lists that particular site at the bottom of the 4th page. You'd think it would rank higher, but the 10 seconds I saw looks so mediocre that I nearly laughed. Page 1 is me and other Pinky alternating all the way down the page. She ranked very top spot, which is reasonable since a career is on the line, and I applaud that. I'd almost feel guilty enough to let my own Pinky stuff go except that then she'd be all alone with the Pinky porn stuff and no one stopping it from infiltrating her own ranking, probably landing it on page 2. What really cracks me up is a convo between me and @Vodstok ranking higher than the Pinky porn. I'm uber failing to tweet very well this spring, and that 3 1/2 year old convo still ranks higher than porn.

THAT cheered me up. I'm not exactly in a funk, just really tired, I think.

So yeah, I made a syllabus for the summer since I'm all spoonie jetsetter and doing the fail thing a little too regularly. You know, forget to wash a load of clothes after I specifically say I'm going to and then articles of clothing that we need are NOT cooperatively happy to make our worlds brighter, and my brain hammers me the rest of the day with YOU HAD ONE JOB. Entire days just fall right out of my brain. I'm not sure how Tuesday was suddenly Friday (but not Sunday?) even though I distinctly remember Wednesday and Thursday but they feel like last week, and really? Tomorrow is Saturday? Are you sure it's not Sunday?

I worked very hard for inch by inch progress over 5 years of physical therapy, and 2017 is this big backslide positioning itself at the top of a gravelly mountain and I can feel myself starting to slip. I got my arms back, and guess what, I'm losing arms again. I controlled that nasty sciatica flare and guess what, it's back. I regained so much freedom from neck pain and guess what, I can barely tolerate laying down again and I'm still exhausted enough to zonk right through 4 straight hours without an eyeblink (and no pills to help me do that). So I thought awhile and put all my skills and tools to work- assessed all the things, wrote out a care plan (I'm trained to assess and write out care plans, a nice thing to remember when I'm not too busy playing minecraft), and then wrote out a daily plan around that, basically segmentalized (blogger doesn't believe that's a real word) time slots for things that need to get done. These time slots include-

• at the very top of the priority list, an hour of purposeful DOWN TIME with elevated feet, complete relaxation techniques, and lower core maintenance
• an hour of basic chores around the house
• an hour of mild activity not related to work of any kind, like walking, stretching, core work, nerve glossing
• an hour of TV (I usually never watch TV during the day, so that pulls me away from the computer, which is notorious for spinal problems)
• an hour of media presence maintenance, includes accounts and dotcoms maintenance
• an hour of random organizing apart from chores, including money and calendar sync and spaceship space reallocation (clearing counters and drawers, etc), playlist rescues

That is 6 hours. That makes room for appointments and shopping if I have a day in town, a nap if I need one, handling extra stuff like a phone call, other unplanned things.

Right, you noticed minecraft isn't on the syllabus. 😋 I'm minimizing time on. I didn't realize until I discovered I could insert a stat bar into my blog header that I'm over 800 hours into the Mo Creatures server since it came back up at the beginning of the year. I think that counts afk time, and I do get up quite a bit while the launcher is still going, but it still looks pretty bad. It works out to over a solid month of game time, or if it were divided into 40 hour work weeks, that would be 20 weeks of logging in to work, or 5 months of work. I'm basically spending 40 hours a week logged into a game to keep me sane in between doubling my work and stress load this year. Once I realized that was happening, I automatically started putting time back into actual WORK. Well, you know what I mean. I don't get paid, but I pretend it's time investment toward a wealthy future. I can dream. Dreams are more fun when they're possible.

The really fun part of this dream is that if I can pull off what I hope I can, I've always wanted to buy into a Sonic franchise because I think it would be hella cool to say I own a Sonic. I've had the area picked out for years, and if it got approved I would be considered a major business developer in my area. I checked into requirement specs years ago, standard (when I last checked) is $1M in cash or collateral. I know it's possible to make that if I keep after what I'm building, but things are hard and I feel like I took a few gap months while I handled my brain playing trampoline.

I miss my old routine, but even before all the big changes this spring, I knew I was getting way too comfortable in my rut and becoming nonproductive. I may not be able to handle a lot of stuff, but I can still be productive every day. A bunch of little things over time adds up to a great big thing that can look pretty amazing. Learning to channel this into a process made me feel strong, and letting that slip back away is making me feel very crabby.

So focus is back on recovery and maintenance now that the med problems and pain control have finally been properly taken care of, and with maintenance comes the work again. I love working. I need to work. I dreadfully miss evening television and live tweeting, but I manage to catch up in between minutes here and there, and I'm still here, lurking around.

Now it's today.

Ok, got interrupted, lol. Bunny is my favorite whirlwind. Anyway, was about to say it's time for #Snarkstock2017 and I'd be lurking through the feed, but my evening was immediately capsized and then I realized I was fatigued enough to go to bed early and really SLEEP and maybe I'd better take advantage of that.

One of the requirements medicare has for equipment rental is keeping my sleep score at least 70% every night, and I very rarely slip down to something like 69%, so I'm winning the CPAP game, especially since 7 nights out of 14 are usually over 80% and at least 3 of those in a 2 week time span are over 90%. I haven't slept this much in YEARS. *I like it.* I still can't imagine sleeping 8-10 hours a day like some of you insist is mandatory or your day sux, but the whole 4-6 hours on CPAP and sometimes another 2 hours after that sans mask is changing my universe into something a bit more congenial. That does NOT mean I'm easier to talk to or my mood swings have lessened. Those are their own challenges, tied to the horrors of existence on a cellular level, but at least sleeping more cuts down on my awareness of that.

Anyway, focusing back on the plan stuff, my original thesis during my Resource Planning degree was very ambitious. My family moved to the Ozarks when I was a teenager, and I've spent years next to Branson and fondly call it my back yard. This is a big tourism area, and my kids grew up working 'on park' (theme parks) and the kind of high traffic retail that comes with tourism. I remarried into a family that migrated from up north, so when I traveled north with Scott and saw Mall of America, THAT became my thesis goal, to write up a proposal for a second Mall of American in the Ozarks (which would have been a huge load of work, possibly leading to a lucrative career), so I obviously think big. I can't help it, I've always been like this. I should be on a star ship mapping galaxies. So it's not really a stretch for me to think it's possible to own a Sonic. It's not a stretch to hope I'll one day be able to travel a bit, fly across the pond, as they say. The hardest part is believing I can do this (whether it comes to pass or not) and continuing to work toward it, even though it's grueling and taking some time. I'd rather work toward something than sit back and let it go, bury myself in something and no one misses me when I'm gone because I was a whiny soul about how life is hard and pain sux and my lot in life is to suffer. That attitude can go blow.

My father-in-law next door is on hospice, very literally on last watch, and he got up this week, made it outside, and tried to kill a big snake. When I'm at death's door, I want to be just like that. I want to get up, haul myself out into danger, and kill the crap out of something scary.

Working on something, this is my fave mood music for a few things. I don't really share what's closest to the vest, but it's a long time coming and I've been hinting for awhile.

on a complicated fence

On a Disney princess scale, I think Bunny fits this pic the best.

Ok, so I'm beaten at my own game for click bait, it's funny and creepy and totally puts me in the hotseat, so here we go, what is really in my head. #transparency

Forgive me for being so slow, but blogger stats are pretty vague, and it took awhile to even notice at first, then took even longer to filter and decipher into probable wussappenings, and now it's just obvious. 7 simultaneous post hits every 45 minutes.

I'm not on enough to catch clean hits very often, but I got an idea few days ago to check real time response, and the turnaround was so fast on Vivendi (never before linked ANYWHERE) while other posts stayed static over many weeks with only minor changes that I guess just whispering on Pinky blog is a big deal.

I've been pretty open with contemplations, personal beliefs, etc, but I have yet to share my trail of thought winding around how it all fits together in my mind. So here we go.

I've stated before a few times that we got Dish specifically to get the Sci-Fi Channel specifically to get Sliders after Fox dropped the show. On MGM on Dish is where I first saw Stargate SG-1 and Lexx originally air in the U.S. I love both shows. When MGM dropped them, they both slid over to the Sci-Fi Channel, and then Friday Prime was born, adding Farscape to the line up.

I've also written across several blogs how I grew up with a doomsday parent, my dad immersing me in end of world prophecies, UFO and other alt-science theories, numerology, but very staunchly biblical aka anti astrology. He believed in stars lining up, but not in them having personal meaning in our lives kind of thing. Along with that, I was hard core trained in debate, chess, and killing to eat from a very young age. By the time I was 12 I could argue rings around people and skunk nearly anyone on a chess board.

My dad has never felt comfortable with my intense draw to science fiction. I love everything about scifi. One of our most candid disagreements was about finding out Ra and the other gods were real characters in Stargate and how that would poison my mind. My dad is the kind of guy who would drop anything to listen to Billy Graham, and he was been freakishly obsessed with the rapture all his life. It consumes him. I finally vaguely confessed on Pinky blog that I think my dad may have been exposed to a brain training technique at a young age, and I based that largely on his memory as a young boy of being warned by church ministers (in the wheat fields of Kansas) about being grabbed by strange men. Don't follow them! Don't listen to them! Many years later I'm finding documentation of Mennonite men being excellent choices for special ops training because they were broken early as children (obey!) and grew up killing. So... maybe my dad has a point. Maybe his obsessions are because of a real thing. Maybe there are a few secrets locked away in there that will go to the grave with him, because no one can pull them out. It's like he's got an automatic switch that takes over, and then we're talking about the rapture again.

I love Star Trek, and one of my most seen posts is a devotion piece to Jim Kirk. I have loved the idea since I was a kid that there could be a World Federation, and that we could put all our resources together to go do much cooler things. I grew up with the entire franchise and it very strongly impacted my life, especially Mr. Spock. Turns out I'm autism spectrum, and I'm pretty sure that's why he became such a hugely popular character. So many of us either naturally identified with him or knew someone like him in real life.

Back to Vivendi. I was working at Kohl's when Lexx was airing on the Sci-Fi Channel, and Kohl's was among the first in the nation to use a satellite show to advertise a dotcom address. Back then that was HUGE. I noticed it immediately, MY store on MY show and the ability for viewers to hop right on the internet and start shopping while they watched TV.

I'm kind of a weirdo, aspienado apparently uses entertainment specs as an autism train obsession, and back then I looked up what was behind this new idea in sales across digital media. (That just sounds cool to me.) Back then the Sci-Fi Channel, along with Universal and others, were owned by the Vivendi company in France. I was fascinated that the French owned American media. Since then they've branched out into telecommunications and gaming, and it's been truly fascinating to watch this growth. Their history is a very long one, going back to the 1800s and now a worldwide power player in everything we all do, so yeah, kind of a big deal.

Vivendi and Lexx are tied in my mind because of how it rolled out like that. It seems indirect, but it's kind of direct.

I've written reams about Lexx. I own everything Stargate and Farscape and Lexx. I've been called a super fan by a number of people. Other prominent super fans interact with me sometimes on other medias.

Back to my stats. I say some very important and kinda deep things on Pinky blog once in awhile, and regular readers have probably caught on I'm not a typical scifi fan, not a typical Christian, not a typical gut reactor to journalism, not a typical neurodiverse person. I don't focus on any particular thing in my blogging but myself and how things related to me and impact me- basically, the path I took getting here. I'm not here to tell anyone how to live, what to do, or where to get off. The closest I get to that is when I say open your eyes.

The world is the way it is. Lotta different people out there fighting to keep things one way or change things into something else. Lotta big feels about who is bad and wrong and lengthy diatribes about why we're right or whatever. Lotta jumble and mirky water out there. Nothing is clear. People choose their focuses and stick to core beliefs they can't philosophically defend, but that doesn't matter becaus the most important thing is always us vs them and we're right, they're wrong.

What if no one is right, and no one is wrong.

What if we're all right, and we're all wrong.

What if the only way we can resolve any of that is to put ALL our brains together.

Mass media is already working on this. World sync and brain training are already happening. Seeing all the things and knowing each other is possible on a scale never before seen in human history. Beneath all the stories in entertainment is a common theme- commit to your people, focus on survival, forgive and love your own, and even join up with the perceived enemy, because the enemy turns out to be just like you, just stuck in a different situation.

There are groups on this planet doing their best to stop this from developing into- what? Human dignity on a world scale? World commerce that easily feeds all the people on the planet? Ease and comfort and health care and education support for everyone? Happiness?

Religious and political wars have been going on continuously time out of mind. Some say this is our natural state. I beg to differ. I'll agree that it's a natural human thing to need to fight to develop and survive, and that first world ennui might have something to do with no longer seeing real blood in our lives, yeah. But that's a superficial answer. The deeper answer to Who am I and Why am I here is How do I belong?

I'm not here to advertise or advocate for a group. Pinky blog isn't not paid or compensated in any way for link sharing. I personally don't endorse ANY decision without deep thought and discussion with loved ones, and I very strongly reiterate to keep reaching out if you need help. Keep talking. All of us need to keep being and doing and talking. No more secrets. Be the person you were born to be.

I have no feelings for or against Illuminati. I grew up with that word because of my dad. A lot of people fear that word, blow it off as a joke or conspiracy, or feel drawn to it like moths. Whatever. All I know is that it's been a part of my life since I was born, even though I'm not a member and I don't personally know of anyone who is. However, now that they have officially come out with websites, my stance on it is that it's a brilliant new way to moralize the church/state conundrum without political and religious affiliation. Modern Machiavelli. And if Vivendi is part of this plan, then you are already part of it too as a digital media consumer.

I've alluded to growing pains on our way to a better world. I see the conflicts in opinions and approach around the world as growing pains. I believe this is going to happen no matter what, it's been happening for a very long time already anyway, and you either get on board with this is just the way the world is going or die a bitter death complaining about everything around you. I don't condone, nor do I look away. It simply is.

The world becoming a better place on our personal level is about US. Who are we right now? What are we choosing to do with each day? How are we treating one another? Are we spreading negativity or love? Are we growing or wilting? Focusing on ourselves is the best way I can see to make the world a better place. Worrying about things we cannot control from where we sit only adds to the frustration and chaos.

I choose to focus on Pinky. Pinky loves scifi and fantasy entertainment. Pinky loves the stories.