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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Sunday, February 14, 2016

another quick summary for the fly by nights, bcuz dragging it out on twitter is stupid

Been awhile since I was called psycho, lol. Too bad the tweet is gone. Yeah, yeah, the mutual block thing, we've both still got other accounts. He knows I know he knows I know he deleted the psycho tweet so I couldn't screen snip it and frame it somewhere.

he probably really has one
One of the things I brought up with psyche guy this week was how a few people mistakenly think that just because I keep staying friends with them in the shadows of their depressive debaucheries, they conclude it must mean everyone else will surely find it amusing, and suddenly they come out of a closet and start publicly destroying themselves like it's entertainment. I truly apologize to the internet for that. I've really got to stop talking to people on twitter, just stick to the little hub of sane friends I already know.

why yes, yes you were *running away really fast*
I knew I was an alcoholic. I went to church wasted and dared anyone to broach the perimeter and actually deal with me, and no one ever did. I was stoned out of my mind one day showing my little girl how to push a chair up to the stove and put her dolly pan on a burner and I really put food in it and turned the burner on. I thought it was so cute. See, drunk and stoned people think things are cute. It's hard to grasp how far over the line one gets when one can't see the line to begin with. I'm like that with legitimate prescriptions, too. Doctors pull me back off stuff so fast that I just stopped taking anything. Some people run naked up a street (srsly know someone arrested for that), I just start smiling at people and wondering where the knives are. My family will vouch for that. You don't wanna see me get happy on meds. It means my inhibitions are gone.

big red flag if a twitter follower is actually doing this
if you don't comply you get called psycho and cussed out
rage on, tweeps
I think the cruelest scariest thing about me is that even with a glitchy brain, my memory is fantastic for things I see written out, especially with time stamps. Being able to pull up convos for people who don't remember having them in the first place goes back years, and it's always the last straw. It creeps people out that I remember stuff they wrote in forums and chats and twitter and they don't even remember writing it, and bing, I find the proof really super fast. The maze of words on the internet is my home. I live in here. I watch the bugs crawl and the people blink in and out and more and more words show up. I'm that part of the Borg mind that never lulls to sleep.

I've mentioned a fan actually showing up at my house, right?
50 Things About Me (number 7)
there you go, something to read
the point is I wrote that in 2008
it actually happened in the 1990s
I've had internet friends hanging on me for many years
you're not my first, you won't be my last
That being said, a few of you know I'm trying really hard to stay away from the Pond of Death and clearly failing, so it's probably best to just stay focused on the Lexxversary and keep following Kai around for awhile in minecraft. The hardest things to catch on about me for non blog readers (and even some regular readers)-

1- I have Asperger's and I'm not talking just a little, my diagnosis is "Autism Spectrum" (yes, I have a legal diagnosis from a real psychologist) and my GAF score on a good day was 51-60 so if I'm not talking, just keep walking

2- everything about me comes through a thick static of nervous system dysfunction and pain from both fibromyalgia and a really bad car wreck plus years of brain fail recovery from a nasty virus that hit my brain in 2004, imagine that on top of aspie overload, and if you can't, like I said, keep walking

3- everything you need to know about me is already on the internet, and there's a featured post to the right if you really really really hafta know more, plus a nicely organized list of archives and other blogs I work on

4- if it's bugging you that you don't know right now about what I'm doing right now and what's happening around me right now, maybe it's not me, it's you. Because that's weird. I've said several times I'm not an emotional butler who answers to the whole world tagging me in notifications, and if anyone wants to know what's going on, Pinky blog is here for that. It's clearly linked in my twitter bio. The reason I networked ALL of this stuff is to make it easier for family, friends, Lexx fans, other fans, Pinky followers, other aspies and auties, basically everyone to find who I am, what I do, and where it's all going.

I should probably note here that I'm actually not a cat person
I think I'm confoozing ppl with cat pix on my blog
these are here to be amusing
they also click out to more amusing stuffs
I do have friends on the internet. They're awesome and check up on me when they spot the floundering in the water part. They know me well enough to do that. How did they get to know me well enough to do that if I don't talk to people? Good question. Being observant is a good answer.

If I put everything out here on the webs (which has been a lot of work, but necessary to the overall goal of conveying what it's really like being a person like me, because some people out there actually want to know because they have friends and family like me that they don't know what to do with), then everything you want to know is here or linked from here. If you are too lazy to click a link and read, I am too lazy to talk. Goes both ways. Besides, the people who really know me know I never shut up once I get going. You could be trapped in hell with me forever and I'd keep grinding away at your brain, like some kind of Sarte experiment. I call it Pond of Death.

ppl who know me irl know the trewths-
I'm a sucker & easily manipulated
over & over & over
there is a pattern...
if I'm not a cat person, who is the cat???
I've been called psycho before. That part doesn't bother me. I've been called different and weird all my life. I've been picked on, beaten, humiliated, mocked, walked on, used, manipulated, left behind, abundantly lied to, and a gun held to my head, much of this by people who have called me friend and even some family, so excuse me if I feel jaded. However, the reason you're still here is because I was sweet to you once upon a time, perhaps even for a stretch of time, and you thought that was nice when no one else was talking to you. Because that's my ultimate failing, you see, noticing when other people need someone to talk to them. And that is the error of my ways. I genuinely like people and care enough to take a little time, and for the love of God, why it keeps backfiring is beyond me. I've been working on this problem with a psychologist since 2007, and I'm starting to sift down to maybe I'm super deficit noticing that little red flag waving around saying this is a bad idea...

I mention sometimes that there are people who watch everything I do
that wasn't a lie
I see humans the way humans see dogs and cats and other pets- you're all part of a quirky thing that I enjoy watching. People watching is a real thing. And I have a sociology degree. If I were a little pixie floating around in a ball of light, I would be attracted to emotional strays. I would adopt them and make them mine and we'd all be snug and happy in a nice little place called the internet, loving each other. But there's a risk with bringing home strays, isn't there? You never know when a dwarf rabbit will suddenly morph into a 'giant' breed. (That actually happened in my life.) You never know when your dad is going to shoot your dog while you're away at college. (That actually happened in my life.) You never know when a fox is going to trot into your yard and kill a mama hen and orphan all her chicks. (That actually happened with Scott right there in the yard.) See, people are like that, too, full of surprises. You can't tell looking at them or talking to them on twitter what things will be like down the road. Sadly, I love my humans, and when it gets weird or sad or even ugly, I really don't know what to do with them, because they are autonomous beings and the reality is I allowed another person to get into my head and my heart and mess me up. I have a long history of that, because I'm aspie and have a legitimate social deficit and actually believe people when they tell me stuff.

we're all magical on the internet, aren't we?
Imagine if your dog or cat could talk and you find out they'd been lying to you all this time about something like preferring the neighbor or really hating the way you do something around the house or feeling disappointed in you about something. Imagine them smoothing it over with cheery lies, not to make you feel better, but because that's the way things are done in 'friendships'- everything depends on lies to keep working out.

Aspies are like Vulcans. We suck at lies and abhor them. We don't get why there are two sets of everything, one is the lie in front of the other that is the truth. And then when we point it out or want to know what's really going on, we lose friends.

if u cannot survive w/o lying to urself, plz to seek professional help asap
if u cannot survive w/o lying to ur friends, the word is not 'friends'
How am I doing? I said it right there on twitter. "Get in line Im having a shit week 2". I'd rather not have to say that on a public feed, but that's what happens when people get pissed about me shutting them out from private access to me after they've demonstrated that they say one thing and do another twice in a row. For that I was told I'm a fucked up psycho. How am I doing? I'm not going to explain my head to a random question in 140 character convo threads, that's ridiculously lame.

I'm actually doing quite well. Got a fantastic starter post out last night for my Mantrid character 3-parter summary, my pain level is down a bit (yay!), yesterday was just plain funny because it felt good to be called a psycho again after all these years (by someone who still has no clue who I really am, bless his wasted egocentric heart), and I have Valentine sacks for the kids if they come over today and The Walking Dead is on tonight, huzzah!

By the way, I'll use anything and everything for writing prompts, so that's basically what this was. Keeping the ol' bean oiled up and worked out. This vid was restricted for awhile, seems to be back. Enjoy it while we have it!

1 comment:

  1. You are in good company. The latest comment directed at myself was shortened to "cray cray"
    Putting a smiley face at the end did not make it ok or better Patrick!
    Being neuroatypical is not a choice!

    ReplyDelete