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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Monday, March 28, 2016

restructuring

 photo fbsillybetter.jpg Aaaaand statcounter went to sleep on Pinky blog on the 25th. That's actually pretty funny. You guys don't know why. Anyway, while I broke through 51,000 over Easter weekend, statcounter is swearing I've had zero visitors. I'm pretty sure it's related to a blogger update and I've got to go reinsert the code now. I'm still too lazy to go fix it. I'm such a tracker slacker nowadays.

Taking a puddlejumper out for a spin, like you do. You guys remember Stargate Atlantis? I feel like I'm mapping terrain on an alien planet, making notes of interest for later. And this planet really does have baddies, much like wraith. I'll have to be careful while I'm discovering an amazing civilization here.  Kai says I can upload a singleplayer world to share when I get it the way I want. I might do that. May be awhile, though, still just getting through this last hectic week before I have room to breathe.



I spent several hours typing real words yesterday and now my hands ache again. That is work. Doing my Seradge exercises helps a LOT after all that ASTYM. Today was my last day of occupational therapy on arms and hands. I assessed out at about the same strength level, but my pain level has gone down dramatically.  Thursday I follow up with the surgeon and see where I'm at. I'm hoping I go back into therapy for neck/shoulder/back/arm sometime later this spring, as per my neurologist. I saw someone go through shoulder replacement, I do NOT want to ever go there.

Totally forgot to mention this happened the other night.



Here is the next morning for context on the very short bars because it looks like nothing else is happening.



And I finally figured out it was this.




Of course, that number is nearly 20,000 now, thanx to @kenjeong retweeting me. We've been watching Dr. Ken religiously.

This next is a random thought that popped into my head earlier this morning.

I think a lot of people have the idea that confidence is what inspires us to do something, and that having your confidence shattered makes it impossible to get it done. I've found the opposite to be true. I have no confidence at all and just do stuff anyway expecting it to go wrong or something because it seems like everything always does. I'm going to quote myself from confidence-

There is no such thing as confidence. I've never been confident. I'm not blogging because I feel confident. I hit that publish button and cringe every. single. time. I have learned that it doesn't kill me. Yeah, I still have a few panic attacks, once in awhile one will last a couple of hours and you don't see me being cartoony around my house, but I believe this is important. We are all important. I believe that feeling confident is a lack of feeling something else, just like my lack of stage fright due to an extreme lack of self awareness because I'm a little deeper on the Asperger's spectrum cannot be called confidence.

I think oversharing is a cool thing. It's about time we told each other what's really in our heads. If people want to read it, fine. If they don't, they can click to something else. It's your blog. Do what you want on your own blog within reasonable legal limits.

I have recently migrated into a 'safe spot' where I can have private support without it turning into a public debacle. I have relaxed so much. Relaxing isn't the same thing as gaining confidence, and it has nothing to do with getting confidence back. It doesn't take much to shatter confidence, even if you're at the top of your game, and it doesn't take much to find confidence, because it's easily manufactured in the form of chemicals going into our brains.

This part is different now. Pay attention.

I am confident in other people being more capable than they think they are, and being more in tune to what's going on around me than I am.

Pay attention again, here's where it gets good.

Being confident in other people being capable and more in tune doesn't mean they really are.

And here's the clincher.

But as incapable and out of tune as I feel myself to be, look how far I've come.

I kind of failed theorems and proofs in high school and sucked at logic in college, but I'm pretty sure I just conquered it right there.

Modernized a cliff dwelling. I've walked around the Manitou cliff dwellings in real life, still use a locally hand woven wool blanket I bought in the museum gift shop. That was a very long time ago, though, before they had it all set up like this for tourists. I'm sure it's even cooler now. It didn't have sidewalks and railings like they show in the pictures now, we had to hike up to where they were.



I need to go do stuff. I want you guys to remember though, like she says, we were all born to be here. It's not about being brave first. It's about doing it anyway.

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