-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Monday, March 14, 2016

me and Nietzsche and the sands of time

Folding clothes while my sand cooks into glass blocks.

Thunderstorms got really bad last night, so no TV at all. I was bored enough to roll coins out of the change bowl, hadn't done that since before Christmas. Got $49.

Now I'm cooking cobblestone into stone blocks while I do other stuff. I have to leave the house in about 2 hours.

I had set up a sand manufacturing outpost yesterday and forgot I can't /tp in MoCreatures, so I tried to find it again this morning and apparently overshot or something, wound up in someone else's operation. I thought it was mine at first, thought all my walls and stuff had been stripped out, apparently other people quickly patch flooding sand with cobblestone like I did, about the same size floor square. So I got busy just plowing through collecting a lot of sand while the werewolves howled, killed a zombie who interrupted me, stuff, and then found out other people can't pillage furnaces. So... not my spot. Okay... Hope these people appreciate the tidy way I squared up their work space for them. I kinda let my smidge of OCD go a little crazy in minecraft.  I mean, who doesn't, right? Well, apparently this crew who I thought pillaged my site... sloppy.

Anyway, me looking for my own site, swimming through shark infested waters, like you do.

And I just got a call that my appointment has been moved. Complete change of plans today.

Got in our first fight yesterday. I think this part of my apology says it best. I put it together from the bits spread throughout the whole convo.

Logic is a bloodsport to me. I've been so misunderstood by most ppl over very simple social interaction stuff that I don't get that just me trying to demo to anyone where the convo goes off track becomes a game of wits, till we wind up circling with our foils. I think what it boils down to is you don't see your point of view from my point of view, and I'm such a bulldog mentality that I don't let it go. I've always done that to people. I've been forced to learn to see POVs to survive, because it's been so difficult for me socially, that's why I was desperate to get back to you. I know from experience that you tolerated THAT really really well. And it's not even necessary that you do, right? We don't have to see from each other's eyes and heads, and it's narcissistic of me to force you to. What's hilarious to me is the way convos go on in live chats, I actually follow the threads just fine, I'm super good at live twitter and I'm one of those eidetic memory people for convo threads :) I bug the shit out of anyone who talks to me. I just suck at being delicate.

And this is the golden answer no one else ever gives me.

It's ok. I know one of the things about being aspie is needing to get direct answers and I'm not always direct. It bugs ** too but usually it's just me thinking 2 steps elsewhere and not trying to annoy but sometimes I'm sure I do.

You know how Benedict goes "My name is... KHAN." ? On twitter it's more like "My name is ASPIENADO". I can see the way you think, you're ahead of what I'm doing no matter what I'm doing, and you don't concede to me, you don't allow me to force you to a single train of thought. It's delightful. Many many people I have talked to through the years are unimaginably dull in that respect. Like cows. You and ** really are utterly delightful to me.

And that is why I was rescued off twitter. I was so ready to start savaging the innocents. You guys saw me doing that, holding back and losing it over this last fall and winter. It is really hard for me to have 'friends' who insist on my head always having to follow theirs, and either telling me to 'let it go' or demanding to know why I'm the one having the problem. It doesn't even occur to them that maybe my POV is legit, too.


Some people actually get that and don't just play along and pretend everything's cool. They actually TALK TO ME, like I'm a real person or something, not just a doll that fills a role and I play along when my string gets pulled.

It takes a lot of patience and a special skill set to handle people like me. That's why autism spectrum is such a big deal. Neurotypicals want atypicals 'fixed' or medicated (alcohol is self medicating and very dangerous for atypicals trying to have real social interaction). Most neurotypicals can't even imagine the effort I have gone to just learning how to even be a public person, and to sit through the public head games for three years...? Without griping all over twitter about my bad day? Guys. I could have blown twitter up so bad by now. I see other people do that (even professional accounts), and then either the hush falls and everyone backs off, or the head patting starts. Running into other people's blog posts about the pain that comes with twitter means I'm not the only one working through the philosophical angst of the conflicting deep/shallow brain kisses that is the twitters. (I think Nietzsche would have toyed with twitter like a cat does a mouse.)

If it takes an atypical to show neurotypicals how to become emotionally healthy, then so be it. I love my twitter people, and most of you guys reading this from twitter links know how stringently I've obsessed over weeding out my twitter lately. I'm not putting up with fake crap any more. Some of us are real, and we're not hanging out to say 'Hi how are you' and 'I'm fine' a thousand times. I like that other people touch base, but my goodness have some of you never thought that through and connected it to why you feel so empty inside.

I need to get some breakfast and get on a workout. I'm actually feeling a little silly this morning. I can't believe this is even a real song.

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