So everything turned into a letter, and then I wanted to put a p.s. on, and still every day I want to go back in time and hug her. Her. How will I never not be consumed.
I used to be a really mean person. I didn't know I was mean. I could be cruel without blinking an eye, never realizing I was holding someone's heart in my hand, pulling eyes out one at a time like toys with a sharp claw.
I know she cried. I never knew if she knew I cried. I still don't know. One other person held me together through several months of agonizing over her and couldn't take it anymore, and then I floated away.
I'm beginning to understand that the scars I helped create might be too deep and still too painful to allow anything more than ce message dans une bouteille.
"My name is Karfo Mashet. The children of my planet are dying. My people, the Vorm, have launched me into the unknown vastness of space in order that I might contact intelligent life, who can help us learn how to fight the devastating Macomarian plague which threatens our entire race with extinction. My body, frozen in this suspended form, will drift through the cosmos in desperate search for a cure. Please, kind strangers, help the children of Vorm."
"COMPUTER: Alert, alert, approaching object detected, organic, possibly intelligent. Revivification sequence activated
(The man opens his eyes)
COMPUTER: Repeat, approaching object detected, alert, alert, approaching object detected, organic"
"(The capsule crashes into one of the Lexx's eyes, and is totally destroyed)
Aaaaand the cryopod blows apart unnoticed on Lexx's hull in much the same way people used to crash right into #aspienado. (By the way, I have closed captioning, pretty sure that's the Children of Guaram. One of these days I'll go plug it in and look, but it's 6 a.m. and I'm being lazy getting stuff off the internet.)
That's not what happened, but it's a picture of how oblivious I used to be, and sometimes still am.
A handful of people will see my stoicism as they watch the coming year unfold. I will keep going back out there, alone and naked on a world stage, believing with all my soul that it's important and that I need to be good for people. Mentally, very deep inside my head, she's holding my hand. I'm believing with all my heart that I'm not really doing this alone, and I'm praying good thoughts go with me.
I've done and gotten through much harder things than this, but that doesn't make this less hard. I can do this.
now is forever- Read that.
I love her.