-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero
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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Wednesday, December 16, 2015

on the brink of full spacecat

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Today got unbelievably hard. Didn't realize how fast I was going down, first hint was a phone call about missing an appointment. ??? Yeah, between two calendars and a planner, that's not a good sign. A little later was the fumbling around until I could barely get my arms to work at all. By 11:30 I was clearly nonfunctional and could barely even spell. Spent the afternoon getting through the kind of overwhelming sickening pain level where you just wanna throw up or go unconscious, and there is absolutely nothing you can take or do to alleviate any of it.

And all through that I watched this happen. (Yes, it keeps climbing as I write this post.)

I know, right? Makes this morning's thing about the other tweet thing kinda funny now.

Normally I get anywhere from 20-70 impressions on regular tweeting, sometimes over 100 on a hashtag day or if a get a couple retweets, maybe near 200 if Holly retweets me. My highest impressions generally range 1100-1500 over a couple of weeks or a month. I very rarely see ANY tweet of mine take out a top 7-day in a few hours flat, and this one even shoved into top 5 for the last 28 days.

I was just stunned watching this happen out of the blue.

I'm sorta pulling through the worst part now, and no fever, huzzah! This means I'm probably still in the autoimmune clear and it's probably just a super aspie-spoonie shutdown from all the neuro reverb after PT yesterday. I can use my hands again. They keep telling me how bad this is and using words like 'severe', but I'm so used to pushing through whatever pain I feel that going into actual physical shutdown is hellishly depressing. And then watching that tweet exposure go crazy like that caught me off guard and I kinda lost it for awhile.

People come and go off the twitters. Some of the spoonies check in, some don't. Some go visibly missing from regular interaction on hashtag games or other stuff and never make a peep until they pop back out for a day or two maybe a month or so later, leaving friends to wonder if the real life stuff they don't elaborate on finally took them out. It's really hard to watch people go MIA, especially around holidays.

I can barely hold my phone the last few days, so I'm not tweeting a lot, but as long as I can keep my fingers moving while I rest my arms on a keyboard, I'll always be on a blog. I'm not sure what drives me to hang on, but there is something about a glowing monitor in the dark that comforts me like nothing else.

I may not get a lot of public visible response or interaction, but this week very clearly lurker spiked in all directions, and my people are about to get serious. Several have checked in with me and touched base already, and it felt so good to talk to people again who really KNOW me and the fandom.

2016 is going to be really challenging, and I'm going to do everything I can to stay healthy and keep up. Walking Dead picks back up in a couple months and I intend to keep live tweet reviewing, and I'll be Lexxing all year because of the Lexx 20th anniversary. The new Star Trek movie will be coming out next summer, definitely wanna be ready for that.

@bonenado has asked if I can handle a theater for the Star Wars movie this month, and I said sure, I'll go in stoned on xanax and wear my sunglasses and ear plugs if I have to, but there is no way I'll be functionally coherent enough to do anything like drive for maybe 24 hours afterward, and not because of the xanax but because I'll be in solid aspienado shutdown. If today is any indication how the rest of Christmas will go, I'm on the brink of full spacecat. Funny that it's happening to the day again, according to timehop.

Anyway, I am moved and touched and even went into a weepy little meltdown for a few minutes earlier this afternoon because it was so unexpected and Lexxquisitely timed. Some of you are looking for lost mates the same way I am, wondering where they are now, how are they doing, and all I can keep saying when I'm asked directly is that I can see some of their locations still showing up on lurker maps, so they must be doing all right. Even those of us that scattered got close in spite of ourselves, and we'll never stop caring about each other. Imagine Janika dealing with other people's feels while Pinky is still steeped in all the feels from the #blogwhore love letter stuff. So many feels.

I love all you guys.

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