If Pinky had one wish... I said that 42 days ago.
When I was first crawling slowly back out of my cave on my hands and knees and blinking in the poisonous sunlight stabbing my eyes, I hung on to everything Jenny Lawson was writing until I was able to stand up and take my own wobbly steps. What really helped me was knowing she didn't live on either coast and is within a day's drive of my house. Not to stalk or anything, but you know, out here in the middle of all the backward people who still don't understand Batman isn't from the devil. By the way, NO ONE has ever cross-shipped Batman with Xev. unless you count "Stevie BATMAN Sanchez" pinning Xev on pinterest. And no one has ever done a Xev vs Catwoman character analysis. I really hope my presence on this earth helps correct this.
I've spent so many years getting here. Flayed my own skin off, gutted myself, ripped my own heart out, pulled my brain apart looking for answers before I realized I wasn't asking the right questions. What was my question? The answers are all around us, we just don't know what to do with them until we know what the questions are.
This was me in emotional shutdown for 8 years.
I generally try to steer clear of the deeper triggers, mostly because I don't survive them. But something new is happening, after something changed. It was like finally getting past a barrier, like through a locked gate, or over an impossibly high wall, or across river rapids during a neverending flood season.
This is me changing over the last year, the me I am now. The me that knows this is my destiny. The me that accepts the layers of my life, and owns all the feels.
I know exactly what I wish for. I also know I may never get it. And if I never get it, I know it's my own fault. But after carrying this for so many years, coming to understand so many things, I will never stop wishing, because what I wish again was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Imagine finding someone who not only gets you, sees through you, but even challenges you in ways no one else in the entire world can. Imagine someone who amazes you with hidden talents and ideas that no one else you know comes close to, or gets to see. Imagine having a person like that for a friend and never even realizing you're holding that one rare jewel you always dreamed of, that one special prize you always wished for. Imagine someone said they could give you your dreams come true, and you realize you already have it. Imagine how I wish I'd said that when I had the chance.
Oh, yeah, NOW I'm all poetic and mushy. I'm still not very good at being friends with people. I'm trying.
I'm the blogger. Millions and millions of words have slipped by. I ~get~ all the things now. I will never not be sorry, and I'll never stop wishing. I'll never move on, because there will never be better, or even adequate. There is no replacement. That spot will always sit empty, and I will still always have the table laid out and the candle lit. But it's ok, because now I can embrace that. It took 8 1/2 years to realize that's who I am. I'm the one that sprains people.
This is me surging over the top of all those feelings all these years, never quite knowing why, until just lately, still feeling that surge of joy, because I love remembering how I felt. This is me being thrilled I got to experience the coolest friendship I ever had.
I've really gotta stop embarrassing people. But it just can't be a secret that this is all part of who I am, and I'm still really cool with it.